Virtual Rants

Treat Him Like a Dog

or Enter the Dog Whisperer

This post was inspired by Goldberry over at Silver Linings.

6am in the San Antonio airport I saw an amazing TV show called The Dog Whisperer. The Dog Whisperer uncovers behavioral problems that a dog and its master exhibit. Then he teaches the master how to behave in order to achieve a certain behavior from the dog.

How Much?

What would you pay for a pair of jeans?

I saw a pair for $262 last night. What kinda daddy's little rich brat, grown up into retro, disco freak from up-town would spend $262 for a pair of jeans that someone ripped the crotch out of just to replace it with a patch in addition to the oh-so-fake patches on the knees and butt?

I just washed my wife's jeans. They started falling apart a year ago and we'll sell to you for a bargain, say $150 plus a small shipping and handling charge.

I haven't purchased jeans from a department store in over three years, since we moved to Florida, so I went online to see what they cost.

This is what I found:

Sorry Tom You're Not a Fascist Self Righteous Butt-Head, But the things that you say sure make you sound like one

In my last rant I accused Tom Cruise of being irresponsible, rude, and glib. I also accused Brooke Shields of being an idiot and a hypocrite.

Attacking a persons character is not the best way to start a dialog, so let me start by retracting those statements.

What I should have said was this:

Your arguments are moronic, and your logic is flawed.

At the moment I'm having a hard time working my true feelings into this post without saying something like:

I wish you all the best as you stroll down ignorance alley, I just hate the fact that because you guys are celebrities, hundreds or thousands of fans will walk with you head long into a place that is so devoid of real logic,

Tom and Brooke, I hope an untreated kid with ADHD rips the heart out of your poodle for peeing on his leg

Tom Cruise is irresponsible, rude, and (look who's calling the kettle black) glib.

If you are not familiar with his interview with Matt Lauer, then read it on MSNBC.

Tom, in my opinion you are an idiot, and totally unqualified to talk about Ritalin. You are not a doctor, and from what I can tell, you didn't even attend college. I've done my homework and I can tell you that almost half of the boys in this country with untreated ADHD Will have been arrested for a felony by age 16. A host of other dysfunctions including marital discord, poor school and job performance, and the likelihood of drug abuse are statistically higher in untreated ADHD males.

And as for Brooke Shields,

The Best of the Worst

He shoots. He Scores! The Sixers win. The Sixers win the Safety Harbor 9 to 10 year-old championship. Well, it sounds great when I hear my son shout it as he drives to the hoop outside my window. Of course he misses the lay-up. So he repeats the chant over and over until he makes a shot … and the crowd goes wild.

In truth, the Sixers have yet to win a game, but ...

Four Eyes

What do you do when you see four eyes staring up at you (from your fish pond) where there used to be just two?

First you argue about what you are seeing.
Then you hit the web and google.

The short argument:

Me: look at this, these frogs are mating.

Julie: No they're not, that’s too small to be a mature male. That's a Mommy with her baby on her back.

Me: (eyes rolled back in head) Mommy frogs don't take care of …oh, never mind.

The google results:

First I found out that the large frog was a pig frog.
Then I found this… (click here) …It seems to be a popular sport.

What's your mismatched story?

Reason to Worry

Your search - "ويب النتائج 1 - 10 من حوالي 35,500 لـ g o o d b o y s f a c k . ( الوقت المستغرق 0.19 )"

This is far and away the most disconcerting and worrisome search that has stumbled across my sight.

Below is what they found:

Virtual Rants: Am I Being Too Hard On Her?

helping my kids identify g o o d friends from rotten, my b o y s are still going
thru this. ... Old Lady Bags is a great friend, just loves the word "f a c k". ...
roughdraft.typepad.com/virtualrants/ 2004/12/am_i_being_too_.html - 18k -

Note: I added some spaces in the words that lead this search to my site, and I eddited the comment on the post linked to above that had the word "f a c k" in it.

Is this the creepiest search you've seen?

French Toast, Just the Facts

Good clean fun for Francophobes and Francophiles alike.

Try googling this French military victories then click on the first link on the page. Read it, go back to the google results page and click on the second link for more entertainment.

I have to be honest here. I have held a grudge against the French since they denied us use of their air space to bomb Qaddafi's terrorist Libya. I don't hate all things French, just the government that allowed the illegal sale of arms to Saddam Hussein, and the French people's mistaken that they are superior.

How do you feel about the French?

Fish and Friends

Fish and Friends

They are both supposed to stink after three days.

I don't know, when I buy fish I try to cook it that night, and my very best (of almost 30 years) just left after a three day visit, without a hint of odor.

I think that the keys to this odorless visit, are the keys to our long friendship:

Number one, we respect each other.
We are both very flexible about most things.
We each try to accommodate each other.
Our strengths complement each others.
We share the same many of the same values.

Of coarse, being nice, having similar backgrounds, and enjoying the same type of amusements helps, but I think that respect and flexibility above all else are the keys.

Oh yes, and we often convey one simple feeling. "I am on your side. We are both part of a team. I want to be your friend."

What draws two people together is often a mystery, but what keeps them together needn't be. Friendships like marriage need to be nurtured, and both parties have to make an effort or it all falls apart.

I'm eternally grateful that we've continued to make the effort.

Thanks Will, and here's to another 30.

What do you think are the keys to a successful relationship?

Is He a Witch?

Circular arguments have always dumbfounded me with their innate stupidity.
When a circular argument contains a paradox it is just ridiculous.

Is he an alcoholic?
Denial is a symptom of alcoholism.
So if he denies the problem he must be an alcoholic.

This argument was used when I was in high school health class, and it can still be found in self help literature today.
Trial by ordeal take this one step further.

Is she a witch?
A witch will float, and an innocent person will sink.
So if she floats we stone her to death, if she sink, she drowns.
Either way she dies.

So I find myself cringing when my child SCREAMS "I'm not tired."
I'm not cringing because he is screaming, but because of the argument I'm about to use.

Is he tired?
I say "you must be tired, or you wouldn't be screaming it like that."

I know I'm right. But intuitively my son senses the circular argument.
He should just be glad that I don't apply the option of trial by ordeal.