Saying no to the neighbors

by Julie

We have been incredibly lucky with neighbors ... until now. A family just moved in downstairs and I know we aren't going to let Colter play with the little girl, mostly because her mother routinely tells her to shut up and has lots of nasty nicknames for her. While the part of me that wants to protect the world would like her to find a second (kinder) home with us, the part of me that wants to protect my son knows that he's likely to get in trouble by picking up some bad habits she's, no doubt, inherited from her mom. I think we can explain this to Colter. But how in the world are we going to explain to this kid why Colter can never play?

Comments

[Kelly]

So sad. But you seem to be looking at it from a very realistic and clear perspective-and that's a wonderful teaching for Colter and for you and your family. In the end that's all we're truly responsible for-keeping house with our own family. It's sad when other people can't, and we can't help. Thanks for sharing, wise Mama.

[Julie]

Good point, and it makes me realize I sort of sidestepped the issue. We've included other kids in our lives whose parents sometimes make some different choices than we would. And we establish the same sort of ground rules you describe, setting (we hope) a good example and introducing Colter to the reality that all families are different. But in this case, we're unwilling to open the door to any interaction with this family. They treat each other in really hateful ways and even if we could offer the kid a haven, It'd be extremely uncomfortable dealing with the mom and grandmother (who already lives nearby and is very familiar to us). It's a case of the sins of the grandmother being borne by the grandchildren. I feel guilty (and wouldn't want to bear the brunt of my grandparents' sins), and yet, in this case i feel like we need to build a high fence. It's sad to me that I feel unable to deal differently with it and also sad that they make distance the most appealing alternative.

[Kelly]

Oh boy, that's such a tough one. I've gone the route of including such a kid in our play and mostly it went fine, I just made it clear to him that while he was in our home or with us that certain behaviors were not acceptable and that we speak to one another with respect and kindess or he wouldn't be able to be with us. I waited for things to happen in the moment and I made sure I supervised all play. The boy actually really seemed to brighten and enjoy his time with us and to feel proud of himself making better choices. Not sure if he exhibited them at home...Ty actually didn't pick up anything negative but imparted a sense of justice to the kid that made him feel proud too. Don't know if that's helpful, and I'm not suggesting you go against your instincts at all. Best of luck with it.