Hold the phone

by Mindy

Ha. I hope no one minds that I’ve piggybacked my own post onto Marcia's—it started out as a comment, but got so long that I thought I’d better started calling it what it was!

All I can say is that I have been the recipient of more pity, mingled with wonder, awe, and possibly doubt as to my decision-making abilities than I can describe in this space. We had three children in the space of 4 years, and this never fails to get a reaction. People either think I can't do math or grasp the basis tenets of biology, or they think I'm rediscovering my Roman Catholic roots, or they think I'm some sort of empty-headed ninny who actually enjoys the chaos and lack of sleep (I do, by the way). I have actually worried (please don't revoke my DotMoms membership here) that having so many children in that amount of time would make people seriously reconsider whatever impressions they had that allowed them to believe that I was a sharp, competent woman, rightly entrusted with my current level of responsibilities.

Having said all of that, I think I clean up damn well for someone operating on a piddling allowance of "me" time. I have a few other things to say as well:

1. Fat does not describe the state of our bodies post-childbirth (no matter how distant). Those bodies are miracles of production, nurturance, and efficiency. I have never seen a kitchen that produced anything worthwhile look all neat and tidy and pretty afterward.

2. Dull does not describe a new mother, ever. How can it?? There is so much going on in a new mother’s world that it would be impossible to describe it with any accuracy or coherence to anyone who has not experienced it for themselves. It’s a club you have to belong to in order to be worthy of the membership.

3. Acne? For the love of little green apples, acne is an astoundingly small side effect, considering the tumult of hormonal activity going on inside a mother. I remember once reading somewhere that a pregnant woman was as different from a non-pregnant woman as a woman was from a man. Think about that. If our bodies, on autopilot, mind you, can effect that kind of revolution, we should really be sprouting tentacles and spewing bubbles into the air, so the appearance of a few spots hardly seems a drastic consequence of becoming a parent.

4. Ignored?? No mother is ever ignored, and if she feels she is, it might just be misplaced priorities speaking. (Btw, I am almost two years past my last birth, so if I offend with that, please be assured that I was a weeping, confused, irrational, misprioritized crazy person for at least half a year after each birth.) I have never, and I mean never, felt ignored by the people who mattered since becoming a mother. (Those people both being defined by those who mattered, and those who did not ignore me. It sort of became a self-defining nomer.)

5. Bored? Never. Too much to do to be bored. There were times when I thought I was bored, but looking back I think it's more accurate to say that I had not yet fully accepted my new reality. I was rebelling against the total, instantaneous switcheroo in priorities and responsibilities that becoming a mother entails. I was slow to accept that I could no longer choose my own entertainment, my downtime, my company, my feelings, my appearance, my emotions, or my status. Before, I could have chucked it all and gone to live in Bora Bora, because although I was a wife and employee and daughter, I could in theory still take off without changing who I was.

Once I became a mother, I realized (albeit very, very slowly) that from that moment on, no matter where I went or what I did, there was someone else tethered to me in an incredibly delicate and important way. Everything I did from that moment on would in some way affect another human who was not capable of doing anything without me. Even if someone else did for my baby, the fact that it was someone else and not I would have ramifications if it continued so long or so frequently that my child noticed it and remembered. Everything I do has the potential to become etched on my child's consciousness and his persona and could influence the development of his superego, for better or for worse. Anyone who willingly dons that mantle will never, ever be described by me as fat, dull, spotty, ignored or worthy of being ignored, bored or boring. Anyone who takes on that honor and that responsibility will have my everlasting respect, honor, and gratitude, and be accepted into my heart as Sister.

Comments

[terrilynn]

What a fabulous post. I have often thought that the one thing that I was least prepared for when I became a mother was that invisible web that is there. No matter where I am, what I'm doing, or how far away I am from my son, we are always connected. It's an awesome gift and a tremendous blessing.

[Amy]

This may sound simplistic, but I think it's all in the way you look at it. I like the way you look at it, Mindy.

[Marcia Lynx Qualey]

Not at all! I'm glad to see someone else gets as worked up as me. And at five months and counting, I love having this little butterball tethered to me.