The worst job I've ever done

By Marcia

I lay next to Isaac a few hours ago, dangling a toy. My eyes drifted shut and my mind strayed to the stories I wanted to work on when he took his afternoon nap. The magazines that I might send them to. The responses that I might or might not get.

I started to wish that Isaac would fall asleep quickly and, even better, stay asleep for the rest of the day.

Shaking myself awake, I had to remind myself -- sternly -- that this was my job now. Thinking about it like that, I became deeply disappointed.

Qualey, I thought, when was the last time you learned a new song? Do you always have to sing him "When I'm 64?" And books. You've got dozens of them out there. You don't need to recite "The Very Hungry Caterpillar" every time the kid gets cranky. And Jesus, how many days in a row are you going to feed the poor guy strained asparagus?

Have I ever done a job this badly?

God, no. As an Internet journalist, I worked 16-18 hours a day, blearily calling sources, learning HTML, e-mailing viewers and researching, researching, researching. As a kindergarten teacher, I was no less dedicated, reading books upon books, spending my nights cutting out little shapes, planning new projects, writing letters to parents.

But as a mommy? If I were to give myself a performance review right now, I would probably leave the room crying.

Initiative: Poor. If she can coast on old tricks, this mommy won't try anything new.

Group work: Poor. She doesn't like the daddy to get in her business or, God forbid, have an opinion about their shared venture.

Attitude: Piss poor. Did you hear her joke that she was going to bury her son in the front yard?

Time management: Let's not even dignify this one with an answer.

Let's just say I'm not getting a seven-percent raise this year.

But then, I thought, maybe I have learned something after all. Maybe I've learned that not everything needs to be perfect, that sometimes -- if we just hang out and enjoy each other and no one gets killed or maimed or psychologically scarred -- then that's good enough.

Maybe.

Comments

[Allison]

Wow. I read this about a week ago and I keep thinking about it. I think my two children would not rank my job performance very well.

You put being a mom into very good perspective...

Thanks!

[Daniel]

For songs, I'd eschew existing tunes and make shit up as you go along. It's custom, it's a shared creation, and, luckily, it doesn't have to make a bit of sense. As an added plus, for those who enjoy such things, stringing together non sequiturs about excrement, MTV, and federal taxes can be cathartic and fun.

[Royal Mom]

I have an Isaac, and now a Xander as well. I'm just comeing out of the "dark place," as I call it, now at two months post-partum. The place where I keep asking myself why I chose to take on this job, and is it too late to change my mind? Thamks for the good read!

[Ice Queen]

If you get tired of "When I'm 64", try "I Got You Babe." It's a sure fire winner.

[MrBread]

My wife and I had thoughts like that. I had pretty much a 65% average in effort for much of the last 21 months, and many of the same problems you listed . . . but my daughter is the best-behaved, smartest, most adorable thing you'll ever meet.

So maybe it's okay.

[Meg]

You're a good mom just for thinking into it. And wow, you have a gift for writing. Isaac is a lucky kid!

[Robin]

It's all about being together. Whether you are singing "When I'm 64" (great song by the way)or humming your own tune or playing Mozart for your child it doesn't matter as much as YOUR mood and how you make your child feel. Happy mommy. Happy baby. Happy life!! Relax......you don't have to be "on" every minute of the day. You're a mom not a superhero!!!!

[Cathy]

I wrote today about my job as a mom as well. I suggest that while your child is still young, branch out as much as you can when you feel like it. My toddler refuses to vary from anything. During the day, we read the ABC book, at night, Goodnight Moon. Hang in there.

[Martha]

I could have written that word for word. I think we've all felt that way at some time. Right now I have a newborn with colic, and I feel horrible that most of the time I find myself just watching the clock hoping that he'll finally go to sleep.

[terrilynn]

Never underestimate the power of just hanging out and enjoying each other--that time is so precious and so fleeting.

And you know, of course, that if you were to deviate from "When I'm 64" or "Very Hungry Caterpillar" that your little one would be very distressed. Routine reigns supreme, says the mom whose kid wanted to hear me sing "Moonshadow" and recite "Good Night Moon" long long after I was ready for nearly anything else.

[rachel]

It's tough reading to a kid that young -- mine, anyway, just doesn't respond to the different books that clearly. Most of them he just wants to chew on or whack with the flat of his hand. The few he shows interest in tend to get read a LOT.

[Michelle]

Wow. You've echoed some of thoughts lately. I'm a librarian (now a SAHM) and I've been very lazy about reading to my 9 month old. What's wrong with me?