My favorite child

By Jenn

When I was a little girl, I remember asking my mom if I was her favorite. I was convinced that she would either agree that, yes, I was indeed her favorite, thus providing me with excellent fuel for fights with my brother and sister or she would say no, which of course would devastate me. I knew Mom would never devastate me. However, she had an answer all ready for me.

"I have no 'favorite child.' I love all of you equally, but in very different ways," she said.

What? Even as a child I knew that was a crock. Surely, one of us stood out among the group. Yet, Mom never gave me any other answer than that. (My brother and sister later confirmed that they, too, had heard that same answer when they tried to ask her that question.)

I promised myself I would come up with something better for my kids. Better yet, I would love each of them so much and with such passion, they would never think to ask the question. (Naivety is cute, isn't it?)

Fast-forward my life about 25 years. My son and I are snuggling, and he leans over and whispers in my ear, "Mom? Am I your favorite?"

I freeze and play deaf.

"Mom? Who is your favorite kid?" he says a bit more forcefully.

I run through my possible answers. I hear my mother's answer blaring in my head. No! I won't say that! I have had 25 years to come up with an answer. You'd think I would know what to say. So I look into my darling firstborn son's eyes and reply...

"Well, you know that Conner kid from down the street? He rocks! Honestly, I think he is my favorite kid."

Silence. And a stare that says he doesn't appreciate the humor.

Quick. Think. Think. What do I really feel? Well, I think to myself, I love each of my children so much more than I could ever put into words. Each one of them holds a special place in my heart that belongs to them alone. I don't love one of them more than the other. I love them all equally. Only, it is different with each one of them.

Then I hear myself say, "Sweetie, I have no 'favorite child. 'I love all of you equally, but in very different ways."

I guess Mom knew what she was talking about after all. (Just don't tell her I said that!)

Comments

[Jaedyn (Jay-den)]

I believe all parents do have their favorites weather we would like to believe it or not.It does hurt alot and the reason is because everyone just wants to be loved just as much as the other child. it really hurts the unfavored child because they do try but it is not their fault they just have to realize that their parents do not know the pain and disappointment that their children go through when they learn how unloved they are compared to the other. I am the unfavored one of six children i used to care so much but i've just been pushing myself away more and more from my parents so i dont get hurt any more. it is really hard for me to do that and feel this way. I dont think my mother knows my feelings and i dont tell her because i dont want to hurt her i am a very sensitive person and i know it and so does the rest of my family they also think i am a drama queen so no one takes me very seriously. I think ive been shutting my feelings off more and more from my parents which is bad because i do want a good relationship like my other siblings but i think it is impossible because of how things are, my mom gives my younger brother (13) most attention because he is her first and only boy and she gives my younger sister(14) more attention because she doesn't have as much friends as i do and she used to get made fun of my mom thinks she needs more attention and thinks that i have friends for that which makes me feel eaven worse because friends dont make up for a mother. my older sister(23) still lives at home and gets more attention because she is my moms first daughter and my mom missed out on most of her teen years becaus she lived with her dad so i guess she is trying to make up for it. I am 15 and i think i deserve more love and attention i feel like i will never be good enough i just want to be loved. but i am slowly becomeing more and more cold because i am subconsiously training myself to turn my feelings off. if i were loved more i wouldn't need to I feel bad for everyone else who has subscribed too i am truley sorry that you guys were and are so unfavored my heart goes out to you we all want to be loved.

[Kate]

My brother is 2 and a half years older me and everyone in the family (grandma, grandpa, dad and mum) have favoured him. He used to rub this right in my face. I remember being younger and my mum and brother would constanly gang up on me, pick on me and if i cried they would laugh at me. It has hurt me deeply that he has always been the favourite and even now that were older it still goes on and makes me feel worse. My brother went on drugs, got into 20 grand debt and crashed 3 cars and yet my parents are paying his debt, brought him another car and a flat in Manchester. I am going to be going to uni next year and they wont even loan me the money for the first year let only give it to me. My mother called me a bigger t*** than my brother and that is when i realised i dont love her. They say a mothers love is unconditional but i never received it. I admit i havent been the perfect child but i am a darn sight nicer and better behaved than my brother and yet i am the one who is hated. The black sheep of the family. I just dont understand!

[Crystal]

My mom is ingnoring me alot more lately. Grandma passed away but daddy sends Connor and I money once a month 50 dollars each. I have my on room now and Connor is right next door. Jeremie is so mean. He got kicked off the football team at the end of the year. I miss my dad. I have a little puppy named Sparky she is a little toy poodle I found myself. Daddy sends mommy child support. Jeremie does get 50 dollars a month from daddy. Daddy tries to love Jeremie but Jeremie is so mean and is so horrible to me and Connor dad still loves Jeremie as much as us but he doesn't understand Jeremie. I feel speacial because Connor and I are Daddy's angels.

[Amy]

Talking about being treated unequally, I am probably the most unlucky one. My mom had me when she was very young and then she left me with my grandparents, who raised me for my whole life. My mom left and moved on with new marriage (twice and then failed again). She came back to me with a new family and her new born son. She treated me like I was the other child but never a part of her family. She never paid for my expenses , never paid for my education and never support me in anything I chose to do. On the other hand, her little angel got everything. she never even raised us to feel like brother-sister, all she tried to tell me is how much she loves my brother, but certainly no praise toward me whatsoever.
I put myself through college and graduated with hugh student loan debts. I never got into drugs, I fought to live and stay clean from all those crazy things. I finally got a good job and be able to pay the bills....of course with no help from my mother whatsoever.
Today I got a phone call from my mom after no communication for years, asking me if she can transfer money to me for my brother's college for $60K. She wants me to keep that money for him until he graduate. I broke down in tears, it just hurt me too much. On the other hand, I have an outstanding student loan of $20K that she never pay a dime to help.
I just cannot understand how can we be treated so unequally and what is going on in her mind. Everytime she comes to me is always need some help with my brother, while she never lend me a hand when I needed.

I am going to become a mother myself very soon and I just can't imagine if I would ever do things like this to my own children. She is certainly everything I never want to become and it is just sad, but you can't choose your parents, but can I choose to let her go and out of my life completely now?

[mackenzie]

......ok i have an oleader sister and she aways got to do things first. and when i had a birthday it was good but hers was alwaybetter and when we had choras she got flowers and i didnot get any and i asked my dad, dad why did i did not get any flowers hed say o sorry did not have money and then i asked him for some gum he said no its to late and it has suger in it i said ok daddy and my twin sis says' can i have gumm dad says' sure!!!!!!!! i just sat there so i wish we can trade places once just once!!!!!!

[Crystal]

My mom has a favorite child. She has told us that. I am an triplet and am the only girl. I am kind of smart and I make straight As. My brother Connor makes As, Bs and sometimes Cs. We both are on the basketball team at school. We share a room and have bunk beds and we have our very own laptops from my grandma! I am 14 years old. Connor is my very best friend. Jeremie is my mother's favorite. we live in a 5 bedroom house and we only have 3 kids yet I still share a small room with Connor and Jeremie gets a HUGE bedroom. He has 10x more stuff then me. My mother doesn't even buy Connor and I clothes our grandmother does.(We are a high class family) Jeremie makes straight As and is not into sports but he plays football. Jeremie is vey mean to me and conor.

Jeremie-Prep
Connor-Skater
Me-Skater

[Cindy W.]

When my little brother and I were younger, we got along very well. He was my best friend and I was his. As far as I can remember (or perhaps I just never realized it before), sibling rivalry had never been an issue back then. However, as we grew older (I'm now 24 and he's 20), I have been noticing that our mother is playing favorite in an obvious way. I have always been the one who helps her out with house chores, etc., when all my brother does is nothing. My mother always gets angry when I don't do the chores, but when it's him, she never ever says a word. She hardly acknowledges even the nicest things that I do around the house, but when it's my brother, she just can't seem to praise him enough. She is always tough on me, but babies him pretty much all the time. She did say that she loved us both equally, but she also said that she preferred my little brother to me, the eldest child, a female, because he IS the youngest child, the baby, and a male. Coming from a strong Asian family background, my mother was naturally taught (just as her parents were taught) to think that a son is more valuable to the family than is a daughter.
This obviously saddens and angers me (I'm quite a feminist) every time I think about it. I think it is very important that I break such vicious cycle when I have children of my own because I believe loving your children should never be based on their sex, or on whether they are the first or last-born, or on anything else for that matter. Each child has wonderful qualities of her or his own and I think all he or she wants is for the parents to appreciate and love her or him for what he or she is.

[Kat]

In an attempt to console me after the recent death of my Father, my sister said "You know that you were his favorite, don't you?"....My brother agreed with her. The truth was, I had no idea. How could I not have known? Out of six children, I would have placed myself somewhere around fourth favorite child. Somehow I wish I had known, but I don't think I would have done anything different.
Miss you Daddy

[cindy]

You are full of it. Mothers do pick favorites and are just immature enough to show it. Children notice it, whether young or old. It is the good mother that would never show favoritism no matter how she felt. They have no business having children in the first place.

[Margaret]

My mom handled this especially well with the grandkids. My sister has a daughter and I have a son. So, my mom has a favorite Grandaughter and a favorite Grandson. I asked her one day in a sidebar: "What if I have a daughter. What are you going to tell my niece then?"

She didn't miss a beat, and said "I'll have a favorite Big Granddaughter, and a favorite Little Granddaughter."

I thought that was pretty cool.

[William Wilson]

All great comments, but what do you do when you are that unfavored adult child?
Growing up my mother was the same as most others I presume. When asked who was her favorite it was the same typical response. "I love you all the same." It was only later in life that she has shown more favoritsm.
I have a twin sister, and on my birthday I woke and hurried to the phone to call her and wish her a happy birthday before she called me. We exchanged birthday greetings and chit chatted for a bit , when I realized our mother was there at her house when she had not even called me. The worse part of it is that she had to drive right past my house to go to my sisters. Now I don't expect a gift from my mother but for her to have gone to my twins house and to have not even called me really hurt. After that incident, I look back and recall all the other occassions where she showed favoritism. Too many to list, but helping to purchase vehicles and taking my twin and her husband on numerous vacations while not even inviting me or my family to go are just a couple of examples.
I overlooked all these things because I had believed that it was different for a daughter than for a son and then I realized how stupid that sounds. She shouldn't do more for her or treat her better just because she's female and I am male and furthermore I know that's not the reason because I have an older sister who feels the same as I do. We both live far closer to our mother than my twin yet we and our children see her far less. My mother has been to my house maybe twice and I have owned my home for five years. Each time only staying for a few minutes and never even getting out of her vehicle.
I could go on but will conclude with this. My mother and I have no issues or ill-feelings between us, there has never been any occurrence to cause us not to "get along".
Today is my mothers birthday and because of my hurt feelings I didn't go see her or even call her. I guess I am feeling guilty for this because it is the first birthday of hers I have ever missed.

[Robin]

I was an only child for 11 1/2 years so when my sister was born I felt like she was my child too, as corny as that sounds. I felt maternal towards her so I was never jealous of anything. Now that we are adults I feel like she and my mom have more in common and enjoy "hanging out"(going shopping, spending a few days at FOXWOODS casino...things like that.) I'm not mad about it because I know mom loves me but I wish she liked to hang out with me. We just don't like the same things so it's impossible,really.

As for Lillianna who is also an only child. She asks me who I love the most. I tell her "There is no one on this earth who loves you more than I do. They may THINK they love you the most but it's really me! You are the best child on this whole planet...but don't tell anyone else. Other parents think they have the best child. We can just keep it our secret!" So sometimes when I smile at her she will whisper, "I know I am the best child mom but I won't tell anyone else. It's our secret." I do think she is the best...is that wrong? I never say perfect cuz I don't want that!

[Lei]

When asked to choose between my artwork or my sister's, my dad always said, "I like yours best and hers better."

[Jenny]

In my family it has always been the opposite. For years now I've made jokes (seriously, they're just jokes) when my parents are doing something with my sister that "Well, she is your favorite." My father always plays along and says, "Well, she's the better daughter," and I giggle with him, but my mother gets really upset and makes sure to say, "I don't have favorites! I love you both equally!" I love saying it just to get her goat. And the truth is, I feel incredibly confident that they do love us both equally.

I have a hard time fathoming though that, when we have a second child, I could love him/her as much as I love my first. It's so hard to comprehend being able to feel so all-consuming about someone else. However, I'm letting myself have the faith that when I do have another baby, that I'll look at him/her and everything will come rushing in.

[cassie-b]

Seems like all moms go through that question. And the answer you used (your Mom's answer) was perfect. Buzz and his brother were 7 years apart, so I missed all that sibling rivalry stuff, well most of it anyway.

[ME1]

When we would ask my mother, she would say, "None of you! I despise you all equally!" Then we would all start laughing.

I think that explains how I developed my sense of humor.

Seriously, her point was to show that it was a silly question to ask because she loved us all equally.

[anonymous DotMom]

I'm concealing my identity a bit because I think my sisters read this page occasionally, but I couldn't let this go by without commenting...

I was my mother's favorite. I know because she told me so (and no, I have reason to believe she never told my sisters the same thing). She worked really hard not to play favorites or let my sisters know, and I don't think they ever did. But I knew, and it was a peculiar burden on me all my life at home.

If any of you DO have a favorite child, don't tell them. It puts pressure on them not to disappoint you, and it can make them really resent you.

[Melissa]

I definitely have favorite things about one or the other and somedays I'm a little more keen on one. But then the next day it can switch and I think they each get their fair share of my love and awe of them.

My mother used that line on me too, and I always knew what she meant. My sister was a cuddler and a peacekeeper, I was more funny and outspoken (which while annoying at times I think my mother had come to admire about me) and my brother...well, my brother was absolutely! No Doubt About It! The Favorite!

I'm kind of kidding but seriously my mother adores my brother. She lights up when he enters a room and her immense pride in him is just blaringly obvious. I like to tease about it but honestly, I can understand it. He was her first child, she had him at 18 and just as my father went to Vietnam. I can imagine how strong their bond felt.

[Tiff]

That is good! I tell my daughter (even though she is an only child!) that, "You are my favorite 6 year old Baylee in the whole world!" I don't know that there was really a favorite in my family. Sometimes I secretly think that on my mom's side my grandmother likes me the best. (Ha! I sould like a 5 year old!) I only think that because I am the only one she calls all the time and I have always been really close to her. On my dad's side my cousin pointed out that I am the only one out of 11 kids that my grandfather gave a nickname to!

[AGK]

I play along. "You're my favorite first-born son!" "You're my favorite second-born son!" "You're my favorite daughter!" It works, and gives them something to feel all gloaty about. One day they'll figure me out, but until then ;)

[Emily]

My parents never favored one over the other while we were at home,but honestly,I feel they miss me more than the others....but I do live 4 hours away.They just seem to try harder to know my kids...but again,I think it's because they don't get to see them on a daily basis.

[Jo]

Being an only child myself, I never experienced that situation. But I wonder what I will say to Liam's future siblings...interestingly, I wonder what it will feel like to have more than one kid; I can't imagine what that love *would* be like!

[Marcia Lynx Qualey]

Susan, I know just what you mean, and I think that's just the way it goes sometimes. Some people are fated to get along better than others, even within the "supposed to be completely fair" family dynamic.

Of course, I love Isaac the best, but I guess his only sibling--being a boxer-bulldog mutt--never really had a chance....

[Susan]

My Mom told me when I was a preteen that she could always tell that her mother favored her sister. I wasn't sure I believed her until I saw it in action. To make it worse, I believe my grandmother also favored me over my sister. She would tell her friends the wonderful things I was doing and mention my sister only when my mother admonished her for not doing so. This made me just as mad as I'm sure it made my sister. I didn't really want to be the favorite. I always felt that it was so unfair to my sister - a beautiful, sweet, loving, smart, friendly girl.

I never once felt that my mother favored one of us more than another. I think, because of her childhood, she went out of her way to make sure that none of us felt there was a favorite child. I also honestly believe that she didn't have a favorite.

Sometimes I do waffle on this issue. Although I certainly do not love one child more than another, I do understand how a parent can relate more closely or have a better relationship with one child more than another. It doesn't mean the parent loves that chlid more but it may appear to the other children that this is the case. It's hard to put this into words without sounding like I think favoring a child is OK. I don't. However, parents are human and I don't think they can help feeling that way. As long as they don't show the favoritism, I think it's OK to know that sometimes they might feel it. It's not a matter of more love - it's a matter of, oh, I don't know - better 'chemistry.' (Definitely not in the sexual meaning - I just can't think of a better phrase for it. :) )

[Marcia Lynx Qualey]

You know, I recently read through some psych survey that claimed 80-some percent of parents prefer their youngest child.

Perhaps in adulthood, this becomes more true. I can name several families where there is one adult child preferred over the others. However, I can't name a single family where one kid is preferred over the rest.