Of duty and a son

By Angela

He's not yet old enough to take on a career, yet he thinks about it often. At 13, he's explored his future more than your typical young teenage boy. So when he came to me last week to discuss joining the military
service, I found myself torn for the first time ever.

To join the service is often thought of as heroic, a grand selfless duty. Yet, as a mother, I feel selfish. Not my son. Not my boy. Not the child I gave birth to. How could I ever watch him leave, knowing the danger, like so many other mothers have done over the years for as long as time can remember?

I looked at Scott, so full of hope and excitement... and I bit my tongue. I've always worked hard to teach my children they can be anything they want to be, accomplish anything.

When my daughter says she will grow up and be a prima ballerina, I don't belittle her dreams and tell her to be more practical, no more than I ever told Scott he couldn't be the first man on Mars. When my second-born son dreams of designing video games, I encourage it and tell him he can most certainly do that and we'll do what we can to help. But how can I now tell my eldest child that I don't want him to go be a soldier?

"You know," I said, "Camouflage really isn't your color. I bet you'd look really nice in those suits you could wear as a teacher."

It was a lame attempt, of course, but I didn't know how to say, "I'm scared. I don't want you to die."

I look at him every day, surprised that no matter how much I try to hold onto his childhood, he grows into a man right before my very eyes. He stands with me, back to back, measuring each new inch to prove he is finally taller than me, and I just want to turn him around and shake him until he realizes the military is not the right choice... for me. I'm his mom, and I want the control I need to protect him forever. But in four years, he can do whatever he wants, and I can't protect him anymore.

His current obsession is Japan and all that it entails - the language, the culture, the whole bit. And now he is exploring the service. I've already made the connections I know he will make any day now -- that he can join the service and travel, perhaps to Japan.

I want to pretend he won't be an adult soon, but pretending so far has gotten me nowhere. After all, I once
pretended he would be my little baby forever.

I don't know how military moms feel -- proud, scared, stressed -- but I know how I feel now with him just exploring the idea. I don't like it, pride of my country or not. When it comes to my own son, I'm selfish, and I fully admit it.

Comments

[Kira]

You beautifully put into words something I've been thinking about a lot lately. When my firstborn son was four and told me he was going to be a paleontologist, I grinned and gave him a thumbs-up. A few years later when he said what he really wanted to be was a meteorologist, I nodded and agreed that he'd be great at that, since he likes science and math so much. Recently he noted that the Air Force needs meteorologists, and my heart sank.
Um...how do I take that encouragement back now? Instead of brazen thumbs up, let's step back and consider what will a *safe* field of work.
But as you noted, kids will do what they will do. Pretending doesn't seem to help.
Darn it.

[Robin]

When I lived in Israel back in the 80's I had an Israeli boyfriend. Even though we weren't talking marriage at that point I already had it planned in my head that IF we did marry I would make sure our kids retained dual citizenship.That way when they were 15 I could take them "home" to the USA so they could avoid their mandatory service in the IDF. Girls and boys go for 3 years right out of school! I know SOMEONE has to defend the country but did it have to be MY someones??
Selfish? Who cares?

[Robyn]

Support his as you would with any other career he explores and hopefully he will move onto another...Whatever you do don't tell him NO, you know how most kids react to that! It is his choice and for you and him, I hope he chooses another career. Although, the option of a military career out of combat zones is always an option?

[toni]

Angela, you echoed excactly how I had been feeling. My first born son, Luke, took those aptitude tests the military gives to high school students every year and made such a high score (in the top .05% of the country) that they started recruiting him with a passion. He didn't tell me about his score (or that they had come to his school just for him on recruitment day). And he had long long been interested in being a SEAL. They not only offered him special ops, but assured him that he would be a team leader. He turned them down; as he explained it, "I don't mind giving my life for my country, but I don't want to order 12 other men to their deaths." He tried to tell them that, but they kept assuring him that he would be okay with it once he was in the service. He went to college instead. Now they're trying to recruit my second son and I'm holding my breath in fear he'll say yes.

[Jen]

Oh, I so totally understand and share your selfishness. My boy is only 5, but I fear, everyday, that he'll want to be an "Army Man".

I feel for ya, babe!

{hugs}

[Emily]

Love of country or not,I think every mother would feel this way.Proud...yet scared.And he is only 13...it could change many times between now and then.Lets hope it does!

[Susan]

Welcome to DotMoms, Angela!

Right now Teddy wants to be an entomologist - and that's just great with me. There's not much danger involved studying bugs. My husband's nephew just joined the Marines. He goes into boot camp as soon as he finishes high school next month. There's little doubt that he'll go to Iraq. I can't imagine how his parents must feel about that.

Some Dad - I couldn't agree more. I definitely wasn't offended.

[Hope Wilbanks]

Angela, I absolutely LOVE this! Nicely said.

[Marcia Lynx Qualey]

Well "some dad," you definitely haven't offended me!

And I'll tell you that what I'd dread as much as Isaac dying in a war is that he would have to kill.

Isaac risking his life for a noble cause, if that's indeed what it was, might make me scared and stressed and proud. But yes, Isaac being ordered into an unjust war where he might have to kill young-boy soldiers or citizens (women, babies)...that would tear me to shreds.

[some dad]

I know I'm a bit of an extremist and all, but I don't feel you should have to worry that your concern is more for yourself than for him. You have ample reason to be concerned about him for his own sake. As we've found out the hard way, entering the armed forces means entrusting your life completely and totally, not just to the current Commander-in-Chief, but to whatever Commander-in-Chief may be elected or nearly-elected in the future as well! I can't imagine taking that risk, myself -- not the risk of dying, but the risk of being forced to fight an unjust war and coming home with the blood on my hands that spilled from men doing nothing but defending their home. I highly doubt that's what any of our solidiers signed up for. So I hope your son will have time between now and then to learn more about what this country of ours really stands for these days.

Radical extremist crazy-person mode: off. I apologize if I've offended anyone; just chuckle me off as a nut.

Hmm. Has he considered carpentry? Marine biology? World-class chef... chefitude? chefship? chefness? :)