By Angela
"I need a hug."
I turned around, startled. I knew the voice, but the request was unusual. My 9-year-old son was asking for a hug. Brian never asks for hugs. Hugs are not his thing.
From the day he was born, he was shy and not very fond of people. Unlike his older brother who adored attention, Brian would cry when strangers would approach. In fact, he often cried when people he knew got too close. As just a wee baby, he knew he didn't like to have his personal space invaded, and I did all I could to help him feel comfortable.
I looked at him, a smile that reached all the way up to his bluish-gray eyes planted on his face, arms outstretched. I hesitated. The kid has a sense of humor. Knowing how much I like hugs and how much I tentatively try to hug him, I expected the punch line: "Ha ha, just kidding!"
Reaching down to embrace him, I quickly realized it wasn't a joke. Those were his arms wrapped around my neck. Brian's arms. The boy who said I wasn't even allowed to walk too closely in public. The one who squirmed when I did try to give private hugs. The very same child who grunted his love for me, so much so that I wasn't sure I had ever really heard the words, "I love you."
Within two seconds, the hug was over and he was looking around frantically to be sure no one saw him. Off he went, leaving me standing by in awe. It was certainly an occasion to remember, like a child who says his first words...I had received my first hug, initiated by him.
For the next couple of months, Brian's hugs came infrequently, only here and there, when he was sure no one was looking. They were quick, too…hit and hugs…and then he'd run. As he realized no one was standing by ready to laugh at him, his affection with me grew. While he still shied away from hugs others tried to give him, he was no longer scared of getting close to me.
Knowing better than to make a huge deal out of his hugs, I helped keep his secret between us. Sure, others saw him hug me sometimes, but it was not spoken of. No one dared say anything that would send Brian retreating back into his unhuggable shell. And as many times as he pretended to be put out, he would still hug me before the school bus came each morning.
I'm still not allowed to walk too closely in public, and hugging him when the bus is clearly visible is still a big no-no. But I'll take what I can get. It took nine years to get the first real hug, one offered by him and not taken by force, but it came. Because Brian knows he can trust me to be patient and considerate of his personality, I'll be the first to know when he's ready to come out of his shy little shell a bit more. And I'll be there with open arms.
That's a really sweet story. It's so obvious that you really love your kids--I also really like the sense of humor with which you parent them. :)
Brian reminds me a lot of me. I was one of those babies too--the one that cried around strangers. I was the toddler that would scream if anyone came near me, and my mom had to promise that no one would talk to me or try to hug or kiss me unless I came over to them.
I'm a lot better now than I used to be, but I definitely still have some personal space issues--I still don't always like it invaded. I don't mind giving my mom hugs though. :)
Posted by: Jennifer | May 13, 2004 at 11:27 AM
Angela what a beautiful story. How special those hugs are shared between the two of you. What a wonderful bond that lies there. Well worth the wait.
Posted by: Julie | May 13, 2004 at 07:41 AM
My kids let me hug them and we cuddle a lot, but they hate getting kisses. They say the kisses are wet but I offer to give super-dry ones and still, they don't like it. :)
Posted by: Marcia | May 12, 2004 at 08:50 PM
Beautiful. May Brian's hugs be plentiful in the future and your open arms not have to wait too long.
Posted by: Jen | May 12, 2004 at 12:36 PM
What a nicely written piece. My children give out hugs like candy, they seem to never get enough. But even so each one is special. Your such a patient mom and I'm sure brian knows it too!
Posted by: Helene | May 12, 2004 at 12:21 PM
sweet!I'm so glad he is able to open up to you more,and offer his hugs more freely.
Posted by: Emily | May 12, 2004 at 09:17 AM
I really didn't want to start my day out in tears but I read your story and I didn't have any choice! How beautiful.
Lillianna is a very hugging child but when she was younger and I would leave for work my mom would say, "Hug your mother good bye" and sometimes she said no. My mom would get mad and I would say, "I know she loves me. She doesn't have to hug me." I didn't want her to feel that people could tell her when to hug and kiss someone and that she HAD to do it. Her personal space would not have been her own.
You're such a good mom for being patient and for being able to take your cues from your child!
Posted by: Robin | May 12, 2004 at 07:15 AM