Expertise

By Melissa

Madison slept through the night at six weeks old. I'm not talking about the Dr. Sears version of "Sleeping Through The Night" that's something like four hours at a time, because I'm serious about sleep, and four hours does not count when you're serious about sleep.

She slept from 11 p.m. until 6 a.m., and by 12 weeks she was going to bed at 8 p.m. and waking up at 7 a.m.

We threw a party. A huge party with balloons and cocktails and a champagne fountain. We rolled her out in her crib and she waved affectionately at her public. I considered traveling the globe giving lectures titled "Getting Your Baby To Sleep Like She Really, Really Means It!"

Because I was obviously a pro! I knew all about getting a baby to sleep through the night. I would rid the world of the insanity of the non-sleeping baby and the entire Sleep-Deprived Parent phenomenon. (Which really is the cruelest joke of new parenthood. No sleep. Well I also believe the hormones are a cruel joke. And the pain of breastfeeding is also a pretty cruel joke. A joke in a "Ha ha, this is purely evil" type of way.)

I was so cocky about sleep, I decided to have my children 2.5 years apart. Surely I knew all there was to know about getting infants to "Sleep Through The Night Like They Really, Really Mean It!" Another child would be like getting an MBA!

Then Max was born and I never slept again.

I was looking over the little journal I kept next to my bed for writing about how things were going in that first year. According to the journal, nothing at all happened in Max's first year except he wouldn't sleep through the night.

That's pretty much all I ever wrote about. I realize now I had become psychotically determined to figure out how to get my child to sleep through the night. At least every other entry was about his sleep, and how it was seriously lacking.

To sign off I would write, incredulously, "Doesn't he realize I AM A PROFESSIONAL?"

All I thought I knew about infants and getting them to sleep was thrown out the window. The same window I imagined hurling myself from at the 1 a.m., 3 a.m. and 4 a.m. wake-ups. The same window my husband imagined hurling himself from while he was on duty.

What I realized at about month 15 of Max's life was this: I really didn't "make" my daughter sleep through the night. She wanted to sleep, and I certainly wanted her to sleep, and we were gloriously compatible in the sleep department.

I will say I watched her cues pretty well, and I learned how she liked her day to go, and I made sure things happened the way she liked them. Naps were at around the same time each day, she liked GIN Gimlets, not that wimpy Vodka version, I put her to bed awake (because cuddling was not on the "Turn Ons" list) and she cried for five to 10 minutes before she could let her brain shut down and go to sleep.

If I had really created a Sleeping Baby Empire (a book, videos, a world tour), all I really could have lectured on was "How My Daughter and I Work Together To Get Her The Sleep She Wants."

I was only an expert on that particular topic. I had no clue how to get your baby to sleep through the night. I had no clue how to get my second child to sleep through the night. Really, I knew nothing at all.

In the five years I've been a mother, I've only become an expert at not knowing a single thing. Even the things I know can change without warning. I'm always changing the rules and changing the way I do things, because my kids change and what worked for one might not work for the other. I think it also proves, once again, that there are a million right ways to be a mother, because it is all about what works for you and your child.

However, I do have to say, I am actually an expert at smiling and leaving my body while my son flails about and shrieks during an agonizing public tantrum.

I'm thinking about taking that show on the road: "How To Leave Your Body and Smile Vacantly As Your Child Makes A Public Spectacle Of You."

Because, I assure you, I am a pro at that.

Comments

[jenB]

This reminds me of my current most disliked question of my 5 month old: "is she a good baby?" NO, she is an EVIL baby! What people mean is does she sleep well? Is she a good little sleeper? People are obsessed with babies sleep habits and not just parents. The next person who asks is totally getting the EVIL baby answer. Fabu' post.

[Robin]

Lillianna slept through the night at 3 months. I thought that was so thoughtful because it was right when I had to go back to work 20 hours/week.
She was right on track with my schedule. How considerate!
Since she is our only child I am going to delude myself and call myself an expert on getting my baby to sleep through the night because there is no other child to contradict this claim!

[AGK]

Wonderful! My boys slept through the night very well from early on, so imagine my surprise when baby THREE didn't sleep through the night until she was almost FIVE!!! My area of expertise is actually knowing how to tune all the kids out so I can write ;)

[Jo]

What an awesome post, Melissa! Truly - I feared the whole sleep issue myself; I cringed at the possibility that my wee baby would be one of those non-sleepers. And then I was in a form of denial after Week #4 of Little Sleep, by Week #9 of Still-Not-Much-Improvement in the sleep department, and now, by God knows what week we are on (Liam is 6.5 months; too tired to do the math, LOL)I am a pro, myself, at accepting that sleep will NEVER be what it once was to me, EVER. He is still getting up twice a night: 11pm and 2, 3, or 4am. Sometimes it'll be three times. It's lovely. I am perpetually puffy-eyed and most often dreary. But he is a cute kid who hasn't yet learned of temper tantrums. So I go on. When we do reach that point, I will consult with you, surely. ;o) (Thanks for sharing your post - it was great).

[Marcia]

Well my kids switches roles; the first daughter had colic and screamed ALL NIGHT LONG until about the 3 1/2 month mark. The next daughter was a piece of cake in comparison. Both turned out to be terrific kids, for what that's worth.

Great post, Melissa. Really, you're outdoing even yourself. ;)

[rachel]

I'm convinced genetics has a LOT to do with sleeping through the night. I take no credit whatsoever for my son's sleeping. He's exactly like his father: they both seem to have an OFF switch that they just flip when they're tired. NOT having another one, for just that reason -- it'll inherit MY sleep patterns. I'm 31 years old, and I STILL can't sleep through the night.

Wonderfully written, Melissa!

[Lori]

I am someone who likes my sleep also. My daughter started sleeping through the night at 8 weeks old -- and now, at 11 months, sleeps from 8 to 7. My husband and I are embarassed to tell people this -- we get alot of dirty looks. We are scared about the second child. We think that she got born first only because her little brother or sister said, you better go out first because if I go out first, you're never going to be born.

[psquared]

oh please don't tell me that. Girl sleeps soundly now from 7ish to 7ish. Bambino #2 due this week....this child HAS to sleep, Girl took at least 6 months to be predictable. Now you tell me #2 could be worse....oh shoot me NOW!!!

[VJ]

Awesome post! Thanks for the chuckle and the realization we all go through that.

[Anne-Marie]

Thanks for reminding us once again (and we cannot be reminded enough) "I think it also proves, once again, that there are a million right ways to be a mother, because it is all about what works for you and your child."

BRAVO!!! Whether it comes to sleep, bottle vs. breast, pacifier vs. thumb, etc., etc., etc. that's the bottom line.

Well, that and your kid's temperament and personality...

[Goldberry]

Great. And I thought I was a professional. At about 4-5 weeks, my daughter was sleeping from 11PM until 5-6AM. It was AWESOME. Now she wakes up anywhere between 7-9AM after going to bed at 8PM (she is 18mo.). I guess for my next one, I better be prepared.

I have noticed also that my rules change as my baby grows. The way I do things change, too. As she grows, I grow.