Wednesday mourning

By Lori

The end of my Mommy Days is near. And I can't get rid of these tears in my eyes.

When I was five months pregnant with Emma, I negotiated a work-from-home day. I was being courted for a new job, and telecommuting was one of the things my boss offered to keep me. It worked.

I spent her first year stressed out, both at work and at home. Life with a newborn is hard, and going back to work after six weeks certainly doesn't make it any easier. And the at-home day was a blessing and a curse. It meant one less day of day care, a day I didn't have to feel guilty about leaving her behind. But it also meant crazy juggling. I brought home lots of work; the last thing I wanted was for anyone to feel like I was slacking. So I frantically returned calls when she napped, edited with her on my lap and vacuumed when I could get away with it.

Three and a half years later, it's my oasis. Emma calls it her Mommy Day. There are days, of course, when I've got a lot going on and can't spend as much time with her, but mostly, it's her day. We bake cookies and run errands, paint and go for walks, make frequent library trips and read many, many books. We spend hours engaged in pretend play. In short, we do whatever it is she wants. And that's the way I like it.

Next week, I start a new job. It's a great move for me, personally and professionally. It's a more visible role, more money, doing something I'll love. The office is flexible and the folks already know and love my daughter and husband. But I'll have a staff to manage, so I just can't work from home regularly. I'm not bitter about it; I know it's what the job requires. All of the reasons this is my dream job far outweigh giving up Wednesdays.

Emma will spend an extra day in the care of a young woman we've handpicked for her. Both of them are excited about the prospect. Adam keeps reassuring me it'll be all right. But my mind is overrun with clichés -- my heart is being torn out, I'm leaving a piece of me behind. But for all the overused ways I can say it, one thing is true. For the first time, I feel like I'm choosing work over my child.

I know it's right. I know she'll be fine. I know I'm lucky to have had all these years of alone time with her. I know the pain will pass.

I know it's just a day.

Just a day.

Just my last Mommy Day.

But allow me these tears anyway.

Comments

[lawmom]

My husband just had his last Daddy Day for a while. He teaches and spent the summer keeping our two girls (3 1/2 & 20 months) home from daycare two days a week. Everyone loved Daddy Days--including me, even though, I admit I was totally jealous. They made cookies and went to the pool and went to the park with swings. We had thought Daddy Days would go on for quite a while, but Daddy was offered a great new job and it made sense to all to take it. Still, the girls are asking when Daddy Day is again and I think my husband is wondering too.

[AGK]

(((HUGS))) You'll be OK, but it's darn hard! I start a new job next week, leaving working at home again, and I am very sad about it. I love being here for every moment I'm needed. Realistically, I'll only miss 3 hours of the children's waking hours, but it's bedtime that will make me the saddest...

[emily]

I am about to go back to work full time after a few years off.I'm not sure how Seth will handle it either.I know it's useless to tell you"not to worry"or that"you'll be ok",because you are a mom,and you will worry.It's part of your job.I hope the transition goes as smooth for both of you as possible.

[pinayhekmi]

Very touching piece. Useless to say, "don't feel guilty or bad" but there, I have to say it. Don't. You're doing the best you can.

[Goldberry]

I was going to say pretty much what Jo said. I'm sure that you will continue to make "special" time for your daughter. She will always love you no matter what, because you are her Mommy.

[Jo]

*sniff* Oh goodness, I am understanding your struggle. I am in the middle of where you were these past three years; it's hard as heck. You are doing the right thing by yourself to take a job you'll love. Your little girl will always be there, and you will find a way to make another day or part of just as special as your "Wednesday's" were. Perhaps you could have Mommy Mornings on Saturdays? Just the two of you? I know what you are mourning now; change is not ever easy. I wish you luck, and do keep us posted -