From the inside out

By Mindy

Motherhood changes you. No, not in the way it gives you a firm grasp of the obvious, but in the way you fill up and the way you drain.

My psychological, spiritual, and kinetic wells used to fill up deep inside me, and others could tell just by looking at me how they were doing simply because my outside broadcast the levels. I could let the outer gauges tell the whole story in order to prevent the insides from draining away to nothing. Like red stripes on a coral snake, my outer gauges warned others to keep moving when they saw the needle approaching Empty.

When I was childless, I could well afford to preserve my inner tank. Feeling tired? Sleep! Feeling ragged? Don't shower! Upset? Don't waste precious energy reserves on smiling or laughing!

Now, just as my babies leeched nutrients from my pregnant body in the exact measure needed, my outer shell leeches reserves from my inner wells so that the surface remains glossy and bright.

In order to provide a stable environment for my children, I have to preserve the shell rather than the tank. (Pipe down, you in the back. Yes, we all need R&R for our souls, but I'm talking about an average day here.) Feeling tired? Use concealer! Feeling ragged? Have another cup of coffee! Upset? Smile when you say that!

I have a good deal more respect for the moms I saw growing up who seemed to enjoy motherhood's daily workouts and appeared able to parent with equanimity. Now I know better. Those shells may have been Izod-clad and Dentyne-bright, but inside, those moms were paddling furiously below the surface, muttering numbing mantras to themselves, and buffing that outer shell with a frenzied sort of love and devotion.

Comments

[Mellie Helen]

I don't think vaudeville originated the phrase, "The Show Must Go On" -- mommies did.

[Gail]

Boy, you hit the nail on the head with that one. I developed Rheumatoid Arthritis after having my first child 20 years ago. I chose to have two more children and am glad I did but there are times that it is close to impossible to keep the outside shining brightly. A divorce 12 years ago didn't help much either.

I am a firm beleiver that if you smile on the outside you will start to smile on the inside, too. And sometimes, it actually works.

[Jennifer]

How did you know I was feeling like that? Wow...and yes, sometimes it has to be enough that I'm awake.

[Lunasea]

Thank god for coffee. And TV so sometimes I can lay on the sofa while he plays. Sometimes just the fact that I'm awake has to be enough.

[Jo]

Wow. Very eloquent description of the dichotomy a parent might feel. There are days I feel drained; thankfully, though, most days I feel pretty together. I've always been a multi-tasker, so for me, craziness is the norm :) You're a great writer.