I'm the youngest of three children, and at times I was bitterly resentful of having to go to bed earlier, or in any way being excluded from the older kids' activities. The time I demanded of my mother "Why did you born me last?" has gone down as a family legend.
So, of course, I worry that Nicholas is being short-changed. He will never experience the world revolving around him the way Daniel (our firstborn) did as an infant and toddler. Our attention is almost always divided, wondering what trouble Daniel is getting into, even as we blow loud smooches into Nicholas' soft belly. Or we leave Nicholas sitting secure -- but alone -- in his high chair while we respond to Daniel's urgent "I need to go potty." And whatever toy attracts his interest, the odds are good that Daniel will come flying across the room to grab it away and insist "He doesn't want to play with that!"
He benefits from having more experienced parents, but the lessons we learned from Daniel don't always quite fit Nicholas, like Daniel's hand-me-down clothes.
All the childrearing books say not to compare siblings. Are there any parents who can honestly say that they never do it, not even in their heads?
It's a kind of doubled vision. When I look at Nicholas, watch him crawling around the floor, pulling up on the couch, eating the stale Cheerios he finds buried in his car seat, I see both him and my memory of Daniel at the same stage.
They are so similar and so different. Daniel sucks his middle two fingers; Nicholas sucks the two closest to his thumb. Both delight in chasing the cat. Nicholas makes endless wet raspberries, a sound that we never heard from Daniel.
These types of comparisons seem harmless, a way of cherishing both boys. But do they gradually turn into the more insidious comparisons, the labeling of one as the "smart one" and one as the "artsy one"? One as the "social one" and one as "the shy one"?
Do they turn into the exasperated question "Why can't you be more like your brother?"
Editor's note: Elizabeth is a new DotMom. You can read her bio here.
Doubled vision...I like that; it really explains how it feels. I just had baby #2 and find myself using baby #1 as a point of reference for everything, from looks to sleeping habits to spit up. I hate the idea of comparing them but then baby #1 is my only baby experience so I can't help it.
I have a relative who I think veers too far towards not comparing her daughters; you can't pay one girl a compliment without complimenting the other on the same thing, for instance. I have sisters and I think kids know a little comparing and contrasting is normal and expected; you wouldn't want to be just the same as your siblings, and you can handle the truth even if it's not always flattering to you.
Posted by: Andrea | September 30, 2004 at 10:54 PM
as a mom of four, ages 7-20, I have witnessed many years of similarities and differences... some are physical (ie. two have blue eyes, two have brown eyes) some are emotional (#2 & 4 are "drama queens")... I try to celebrate their individuality as much as possible by spending time alone with each of them... age appropriately...once a month for the eldest, and every day with my 7 year old son...
Posted by: lisa | September 26, 2004 at 11:02 PM
I just console myself by figuring that the world will revolve around Jonah later in his life, when his big sister heads off to college, and he's got us to himself all through high school.
Posted by: Terry | September 26, 2004 at 09:02 PM
I just don't see how I could not note and enjoy (and even be frustrated by) the differences in my two kids.
I mostly just appreciate the differences. Except for the fact that my son appears to be unable to figure out the potty. And the fact that my daughter cries everyday at school drop. I don't appreciate that. At all.
Posted by: Melissa S | September 26, 2004 at 03:48 PM