Just beautiful, no "but"

By Jessamyn

My grandfather's first cousin -- let's call her Sue -- lives here in Chicago, and although I don't see Sue very often, she and my mom are friends.

When Sue found out that my Mom was coming to see us a few weeks ago, she said that she would really like to get together with all of us, and would particularly like to see Katie. Mom and I wondered beforehand if Sue would say something mildly abrasive during the visit, the way she often does (she often says things like, "Well, it's not that your hair looks bad, it's just that I liked it so much better before -- but it's your hair!"), but we were pleasantly surprised.

Sue talked about how beautiful Katie is, oohed and ahhed over Katie's ability to sit up on her own, and smiled in response to Katie's frequent smiles at her. She took lots of pictures of Katie, too.

And then, a couple of weeks later, I got a card from Sue. It enclosed a couple of pictures of Katie, and inside the card it said, "Katie is a beautiful child, but I sure hope she thins out as gets older. Maybe she could use some low-cal formula???" I think my mouth might have gaped open when I read it.

There are so many things wrong with those statements. First of all, Katie doesn't drink formula, she drinks breastmilk. Secondly, they don't make "low-cal" formula. You know why they don't make low-cal formula? Because babies don't need to diet! You know when it's good for people to diet? When their excess fat is unhealthy. Katie is healthy and happy and chubby. She is exactly how she is meant to be at this point in her life.

And I realized, after thinking about why Sue's comments upset me the way they did, how much I want to do whatever I can do to make sure that Katie feels good about her own body. I want to help her to feel confident and strong and beautiful and capable.

When I was about 11 years old, I started feeling self-conscious about my body. I started feeling fat. I remember riding in my dad's truck, looking down at my own thighs, thinking that they were huge, and feeling ashamed. I have looked back at pictures taken during that same time, and guess what? I was thin.

My parents didn't tell me that I was fat or that I needed to lose weight, which leads me to think that a lot of my insecurities stemmed mostly from outside our immediate family. So maybe if I want Katie to feel good about herself, I need to do more than refrain from criticizing or commenting on her weight. I need to do more than just help her learn healthy eating and exercise habits. Maybe I also need to make an effort to tell her, and to help her believe, that she has a good, strong, healthy body, and that she should be proud and confident. And that she is beautiful.

Maybe I'll have to make it a point to tell her not to listen to Sue.

What do you do to help your child have a positive self-image?

Comments

[sadiq mohmood]

dear:sir/madem if a person is 13 or 14 years old can he work in a store to make money and how do you make money

[sherry]

Oh my god. I am stunned beyond belief. Low-cal formula? I can't even imagine how I would react if anyone had ever said that to me about Hayley. I do know that once my FIL jokingly said to her, "We're going to have to put you on a diet!" when she was about 6 months old, and I knew he was kidding around but I worry about people making jokes like that when she's old enough to understand the words and old enough to worry that there's something wrong with her.

I'm not very confrontational but I need to learn to be for her sake in situations like that.

[Julia]

Babies are SUPPOSED to be fat. They NEED the fat so that they can grow things like bones and organs and keep that nervous system up to par. I think you should get your aunt a picture of a thin (starving, malnourished) baby so that she can understand the difference!

[Beth]

Jessamyn, I burst into tears when I read this entry. I don't know how many time (uh. a lot!) I've looked at pictures of your Katie, and just thought, "Wow, Katie looks so happy and confident. I hope she never loses that."

While we were out of town this past weekend, I heard someone make a similar comment about my absolutely gorgeous one year old niece who was eating cake at her first birthday party. It made me so angry and sad, I just spit venom. I told the person, "Well, people can lose weight. But chances are, you're going to die a critical, judgemental asshole. That's my niece, and she's beautiful, and it's her birthday!!!"

So, pardon my French, but screw you, Sue.

[Aidan]

Jessamyn, I know how you feel. Many times I have looked at my daughter's perfect little body, her chubby smiley cheeks, her round little thighs, and hated that she will probably at some point hate her body, or at least parts of it. I NEVER want her to think her body is anything less than beautiful, the thought makes me so sad, yet I've spent many a waking moment wishing my thighs were thinner.

Katie is absolutely gorgeous, and your aunt is a freak.

[Goldberry]

Oh my! I remember on my 16th birthday my Dad bought me Richard Simmons Deal-A-Meal. I was so hurt and angry!!!!! I remember this every time I look at my body. I AM overweight by a lot, but I am also very happy!! I am working on the issues!. My daughter sees me eating salads and she watches me exercise every night! We WALK to the park (I no longer push her in the stroller). I think parents need to be role models. I compliment and others around us compliment her. We teach her to take the compliment by saying thank you. My daughter is young, but by being her role model and reminding others that they have an influence on her, we ALL can give her a positive self image.

[Jessamyn]

Thanks, Kris & Robin! It seems like it's really going to be a challenge to help a girl grow up with a positive body image. Yesterday at church a woman came up to us and kept saying, "oh, she's big! She's BIG. She is SO BIG." And I thought, man, I am glad that Katie can't understand you - yet. Because when she does, it's not going to be enough for me to tell her that *I* think she's beautiful. I'm thinking that the "not listening to certain people, and certainly not valuing their opinion more than your own or your loved ones" is going to be a really important lesson.

[Robin P]

And that is why I always say, "I hate people!!!"
What a damn nerve she has to say anything like that at all. Obviously Sue has some serious issues. I would send her a container of jellybeans and label them "Anti-bitch pills" and tell her to eat 10 per day and maybe it will control her damn bitchy attitude. Tell her not to contact you until she changes into a nice person.

You can't take these kind of people seriously. I am sure she is insecure about her own looks. Low-cal formula indeed!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe if you drink a lot of water it will dilute your fatty breast milk.....lol!! What a moron!

As for positive body image, I just tell Lillianna that we are striving for good health not being thin. She is a peanut at age 7, 46 pounds and not an ounce of fat but I am overweight and working towards a healthier me.
I walk her to school every day and we try to eat good balanced meals. That's the best we can do. I tell her that it's the inside that counts and she agrees.

[Kris]

My jaw dropped when I read that too! Some people are so .... funny. Funny strange that is.

There's nothing better than a chubby baby, and they need fat for brain development. So the fact that she suggests low fat formula shows her ignorance.

My parents excelled at not criticizing me, so I think that's my No. 1 tool for protecting my kids' self-esteem.