The letdown when the milk lets up

By Jessamyn

Back when I was pregnant, I planned to breastfeed my baby, but I tried not to think in terms of a specific amount of time that I'd continue.

Katie was born on March 7, and within a few weeks, breastfeeding was going so well that I planned to keep breastfeeding her until she was at least six months old. And maybe, just maybe, I would keep doing it for a year. A year seemed like an incredibly long time, especially back then, when any individual nursing session could last for up to an hour, and could be followed by another nursing session not quite two hours later.

At the end of May I went back to work and started using a breast pump to express milk during the week days, and suddenly a year didn't seem so long. I didn't feel tied down the way I had at first -- after all, I spent much of each day, five days a week, away from Katie, and pumping only took a total of 20 or 30 minutes a day. 

Since sometime in June or July, I've been planning to breastfeed Katie for her first year, until next March. I was proud to think that we would never give her any formula. I was happy that I was able to do this for her. And, to tell the truth, I worried a little about whether it would be difficult to wean her. 

Occasionally, I even thought that I might change my mind and decide to breastfeed even longer. 

And then the milk stopped coming. I used to pump two or three times a day and take home two or three bottles of milk, but by August I was pumping two or three times a day and getting only a bottle and a half.

And then in September, instead of pumping for only 20 or 30 minutes, I was pumping for an hour or more each day, and took home only half a bottle total. To make matters worse, Katie started getting teeth, and with the teeth came biting, and with the biting came pain, resulting in no letdown of milk and removal of Katie from the breast. 

This was also when Katie started sleeping through the night, which meant there were no more midnight or 1 a.m. nursing sessions to keep the flow going. After a week or so of half bottles, I discovered that the reason I was pumping so much less milk was because some of the pump parts needed to be replaced, but by then my body had already learned to produce less milk than Katie was drinking. 

I tried to pump more often and nurse her more often on the weekends. I took fenugreek to increase the milk supply. It didn't help.

We started supplementing with formula. That's not such a terrible thing to do to your baby, right?

And yet when I found out Geoff had given Katie her first bottle of formula, I cried. I felt like my body had betrayed me. I felt like I had failed Katie. I felt like maybe I wasn't trying hard enough to pump enough for her. I felt terribly sad. I felt like I was overreacting. I felt like I was giving up too easily, but nothing I tried seemed to work.

It's been about a month now since we started supplementing, and our breastfeeding is gradually coming to an end. If Katie sees a bottle, she will always choose the bottle over nursing. Even if she doesn't see a bottle, the only time she is patient enough to nurse for any length of time is when she is half-asleep. Otherwise, she nurses for a few seconds and then gets distracted, over and over again. And she's back to biting again, which doesn't exactly make me want to encourage her to nurse more frequently, which is what it would take to persuade my body to make more milk. 

These days, she doesn't get a full nursing session even once every day (she usually starts biting or quits nursing before it's been long enough for the milk to let down). 

This is not a big deal, not really, at least that's what I'm telling myself. Katie never had any formula until she was over seven months old, and she is still nursing about once a day now. I am proud of that! Katie has gotten, and continues to get, many health benefits from breastfeeding. And it is almost as nice to hold her while she drinks her bottle as it was to hold her while she nursed. 

She still puts one hand up over her head and grabs at her hair while she drinks. She still pauses occasionally to look me in the eyes, and she still sometimes raises her hand to touch my face.

She still loves me just as much. 

And one good thing: it doesn't hurt at all when she bites down on the rubber nipple. 

I know all that. And yet... I never made a decision to stop nursing, but here we are, winding down. It makes me feel sad, especially since now I realize: a year wouldn't have seemed like a long time at all.

Comments

[baby sling]

Feeding your baby breast milk is the best way to love and care for your child.

[moby wrap baby carrier]

I am proud of that! Katie has gotten, and continues to get, many health benefits from breastfeeding. And it is almost as nice to hold her while she drinks her bottle as it was to hold her while she nursed.

[Debra]

When I was pregnant for the first time I read everything I could about feeding and baby care. I decided that formula was made by men to poison small babies and I decided that I would breastfeed for a full year. Then reality set in: my baby had a bad latch, I was in the doctor's office crying every day for 3 weeks, she never seemed to get enough, she was always crying, and I was always uncomfortable in public. My doctor was a strong supporter of BF so I continued. I finally gave in after 6 months. My daughter's personality changed almost immediately - she became happy, slept better, and rarely cried.
When my second daughter came, I vowed to be less rigid. Even so, I was plagued with guilt as I initially used both breastmilk and formula. Still uncomfortable with breastfeeding, I gave it up after 7 weeks.
At 6 months, my second daughter is happy, healthy, and sleeps through the night. I am now very happy with my feeding choices.
I feel that there is so much pressure on new moms to "do everything right". Everyone that you meet will have an opinion on breastfeeding. I even had a perfect stranger berate me in the mall when I gave my 9-month old daughter a bottle.
In my opinion, mothers should do what's best for them. Happy mothers make happy children, and we should not have to give in to others' ideas of "what's right". BF works for a lot of people, so does formula. The babies will all be alright in the end...

[Jessamyn]

Thank you, everyone, for your comments. I don't even think I realized how good it would feel to hear from other people who have felt the same way. It's not that I need for the situation to change - I know that Katie is healthy and happy, and I know that I did the best I could. I'm not sitting around feeling despair about any of this. Most of the time, I feel good, but there is a small part of me that is sad. And it's nicer than I knew it would be to hear someone else say, "Yes, I know. That's hard." So thank you.

[Michelle]

I think we are so idealistic before we have kids, we just have no idea what we are in for, no matter what people tell you. Before my first daughter was born, I was going to "do everything right". I was going to have a natural childbirth, and spent 3 months going to Bradley classes with my husband. I was going to room-in at the hospital. After all, one is not supposed to get sleep when one has a new baby, and to expect such by sending your baby to the nursery was criminal! I was going to nurse for a year and never resort to formula. Crying it out? No way, not for me or my kid. No TV. Blah Blah Blah.

It all started to go out the window about 4 hours after my water broke and I didn't go into labor. I tried laboring without pain relief while on pitocin for 4 hours, and finally couldn't take it anymore. I got the epidural and aaahhhh, relief. My first lesson in "doing what works".

From the moment my daughter came out she was high need and never slept well. After hours of dealing with her crying (and they say colic starts after two weeks ... HA!) and getting no sleep, I sent her to the nursery so I could get some.

Then there was the issue of nursing. Hannah was 9.9 pounds and was HUNGRY! No waiting for my milk to come in. So here comes the formula. Just until my milk comes in, right? Well, let's just say, when I quit nursing her at a year, I also quit giving her formula.

The first year after Hannah's birth was by far the hardest year of my life. And what I realized is that you have to do what's going to work and what's going to maintain your sanity, and not beat yourself up over the decisions you make, as long as it doesn't harm your kid. Most of us are full of the best intentions, but sometimes they just aren't realistic, and when we can't live up to them, we feel like terrible moms, forgetting the most important thing we can give our kids is love and a feeling of comfort and safety.

Now that I have another child, I am much more relaxed and try and remind myself that I will never be a perfect mom, but I can always strive to be a better one.

[Nicola]

What an emotional time. Congratulations for making it work as long as you did. And for not giving up. Even now, you're still nursing her when you can and when she'll have it. Its not always your choice.

I worry about the same issue. My son is 9 months old, he still nurses lots. I've been back at work for 3 months now and I only pump once each day. I was told that this would decrease my supply. So far, no problems, and I've actually had to express less at lunchtime to decrease the supply a bit because I was getting too full at weekends. Still, every day I worry, every day I wait for that full feeling in my breasts so that I know its ok, I know I've got milk, I know that I'll have plenty to feed him when I get home and during the night. I love weekends, especially long holiday weekends, when I can nurse him all day and I know that we're in synch, we're ok in the breastfeeding department.

When the time comes to call it quits, or when something brings about the end, I will feel so sad, but your story has made me realise that its not a "one year" or time limit issue. Its an issue of "I did it, we did it, we are both better for it. Now its time to move on to bigger and better things". Congratulations.

[Amanda]

I would be equally sad if this had happened to me. I recently stopped pumping when Alex turned one year old, figuring cows milk would make my life easier. It didn't work out that way. Turns out neither of us was really ready to stop nursing during the day. I miss it and he fights the bottle every weekend. My nipples hate me.

I'm pretty damn sure there's just no right way to go about this particular task. All we can do is our best.

[Elise]

I think you did great! I breastfed exclusively until my daughter was 4 months old because I had so much trouble pumping. My third pump broke (after the first two had also broken) and I just couldn't deal with pumping anymore. I had never been a prolific pumper even though I had tons of milk for my baby, and when the equipment kept failing, I just couldn't do it anymore. We supplemented with formula until she weaned herself at 10 months. I was glad for how long the breastfeeding had lasted, and I felt okay when it ended. Like you, I was sad the first time she ingested something other than my milk. But I quickly got used to it and it worked out really well for us.

It was a hard decision, but I think we did the right thing for our situation. My daughter is happy, healthy, well-nourished, and extremely affectionate, so I feel very proud of all of that. It sounds like you have a happy, healthy little girl too - that's the most important thing! And a happy, healthy you.

[Ellie]

I breastfed all of my children except the oldest. (she was allergic to formula, thus the nursing of the other 3) I gave up reluctantly each time. The point is, I did have to give up each time or I would be like that unfortunate women in my LeLeche League book (early 80's edition) that was still nursing her son at age 5 in case Armaghedan came. Nursing is sweet but the time comes when all must let go. And pumping milk? You should be proud of yourself you were able to do it for so long. I could never get more than a couple of ounces when I pumped.

The church nursery ladies always hated me.
Take care. Ellie

[Pam]

We're going through the same thing with my son Zach, almost 9 months. My goal was to BF for 6 months, but had challenges producing enough milk for him at first (he doubled his birth weight at 4 months!) Once we got the hang of it and I saw how easy it was, I thought I could handle a year. Then I got sick for 3 months with a sinus infection, and the medication dried me up some and work picked up and I could only pump once a day and I needed to go on anti-depressents. So he feeds about 2-3x per day with me, and loves his bottle as well. I would rather him get formula than be subjected to the medication I've had to take, so it's a small sacrifice for me.

Congratulations on making it this long! Do lots of cuddles and feed her the bottle yourself, and you will still connect with her as she gazes at you.

[MelissaS]

"We started supplementing with formula. That's not such a terrible thing to do to your baby, right?"

How could feeding your baby ever be a terrible thing to do to your baby?

You did the best you could and this is how it worked out. The good news is formula isn't poison. The sad news is, you're right. Emotionally it isn't the same as breastfeeding.

I know it's not the same but a happy healthy baby is always the result of feeding it no matter how it gets in there.

I'm sorry though it didn't work out the way you'd hoped.

[Jo]

Oh hugs to you. That is such an emotionally tough transition. I BF my son for 6 months, and the last night we did it, I cried with him in my arms. Months later, I missed it and wished we could have gone longer, but it was time for me to end for a few reasons similar to yours. I am proud of you, as you BF for as long as you could! It sounds like you have a wonderfully healthy little one; congratulations!