You can't always get what you want

By Robin P.

I dread when Lillianna has a meltdown but I know it's a normal part of life. Sometimes I can intercept it. If I know she is overtired I try to persuade her to go to bed earlier than usual or by taking a nap during the day. This often works. Other times, I am taken by surprise because I just didn't see it coming and I can't arm myself beforehand. That was the case last week when Lillianna had her first playdate at her friend Stephanie's house.

I dropped Lillianna off at 2:45 p.m. She immediately ran off with Stephanie and Stephanie's sister Julianne to go play. A few minutes later Lillianna ran back into the kitchen with her hands on her hips. With one eyebrow raised she asked, "You're not staying, are you?" I assured her that I just wanted to chat with Linda, Stephanie's mother, for a few minutes and then I would be leaving. Linda and I had met briefly last year and then we chatted on the phone when the girls arranged their playdate but we didn't know each other and we both wanted to have a few minutes to talk.

I said I would pick Lillianna up at 5:30 p.m. and Linda said that was fine. I had a million things to do and I was hoping I could get them all done before I had to pick Lillianna up again. Fridays are always very hectic for me. I ran to the supermarket to buy the ingredients for my beef stew for dinner. When I got home I prepared the stew and put it in the oven. I cleaned the kitchen, ironed my work clothes for Saturday and Sunday, cleaned the bathroom and bedroom and looked at the clock. It was 5:25 p.m. I jumped in the car and drove to Stephanie's house.

When I arrived I was greeted by my excited daughter who announced, "Mommy! Mommy! They said I could stay for dinner! They're having honey-stung drummies! Can I stay? Can I?"

I took a deep breath because now I knew the meltdown was just bubbling below the surface. If someone had called me before I had left the house I would've let her stay for dinner. Honey-stung drummies are her favorite kind of chicken from the local supermarket and I knew how long she had been looking forward to this playdate. I looked at my daughter and said, "I'm sorry but you can't stay for dinner. I still have a lot of things to do at home before I go to work all weekend. Maybe another time you can stay for dinner." I prayed that promise would be enough.

Lillianna held on to the back of the kitchen chair, bent her knees and bounced as she cried, "Why? Why? Please, Mommy? Please? Please? Please, can I stay for dinner?"

I remained calm as I answered, "Not this time, Lillianna. Remember, if you can't leave a playdate then you can't have any more playdates. If you don't come home nicely with me then you will only be able to see Stephanie in school and that's all."

Linda leaned over and whispered to me, "That's what I say to my girls all the time." I was relieved that she wasn't thinking I was the meanest, most inflexible mother on the planet. I know that's what my daughter was probably thinking.

Lillianna continued to plead with me to change my mind when finally I focused on the fact that she is normally a very reasonable child. I was going to appeal to that side.

"Lillianna? Think about this for a second. In your seven young years, has there ever been a time in your life when crying and pitching a fit made me change my mind and I let you do what you wanted?"

She immediately stopped crying and said, "No."

I smiled at her and asked, "So how do you think this little scene is going to play out?"

She finally got it. "Oh. I guess I can't stay. You did say I might be able to stay another time though, right?"

I nodded my head and said, "Yes I did. Maybe Stephanie can come to our house and have dinner some night."

Lillianna smiled and said, "OK, Mom."

She gathered her things together, thanked Linda for having her over and said goodbye to Stephanie and Julianne.

I breathed a sigh of relief. Crisis resolved.

How do you handle it when your child has a meltdown?

Comments

[Elise]

Wow, this is a great idea for how to handle this stuff with slightly older kids. I'm going to do what the first comment's author said and print this out for future reference!

My daughter is 19 months old so logic doesn't really work with her yet. My husband and I usually just ignore her little fits and they end pretty quickly. They usually are pretty funny - something about such a small person making such a big fuss always strikes me as hilarious, so I don't usually get upset. We just kind of let it go and move on to something new and she usually gets distracted by the new thing and moves on too.

[Rsoemary Grace]

Wow! I want to print out your article and keep it as a reminder for when I have kids. I was a tantrum throwing girl, I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a drama queen or king.

[Auntie M]

My seven year old is generally ok. But he's a boy and I think they have a different approach to getting their way. My strong willed nearly 5 year old is a different story. She throws the worst fits and really gets into a state. They never last very long and they generally don't happen when others are around (except her immediate family), but I usually walk away and let her gather her thoughts before I try to approach her. If I try to calm her too early, she won't be receptive. It's very interesting for me, because she really is very thoughtful and like your daughter, once she is calm, is quite rational.

[emily]

Unfortunately,I don'y usually handle it quite this well.

[Goldberry]

My daughter is almost two. Her fits are WAY too much for me sometimes. I tell her she can fuss all she wants, as long as she goes to her room. I will not talk to her with her fussing at me. Even at this YOUNG age, she gets it!! Cool!

[VJ]

Your way of taking care of the problem, and the way I do it are very similar. I find that if Tony is not able to settle down after dialoging with him, I need to turn my back, but not walk away. This helps him realize that I will not be an audience for his fussing, and helps him settle down.