The Committee

By Cooper

If ever there was a time I wish I could spin my head fully around, make my eyes bulge out and force guttural moans to spew from my mouth, it would be in a committee meeting.

Take, for instance, a recent gathering of a local organization's fund-raising committee.

It was all starting off nicely enough, I had coffee and I found out I wasn't expected to say anything. Then I saw the new committee chair, Betty.

She was coiffed, wearing a suit accessorized with very big earrings and she was holding A MICROPHONE.

Now, if the meeting was assembled in, say, an auditorium the microphone would not be of note, but, in this particular instance, there were 12 of us, total, and we were huddled together on tiny chairs in a tiny classroom in a preschool.

Betty: THE MEETING WILL NOW COME TO ORDER.

What I wish I had said: Excuse me, Betty, I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I can't hear you. (Then I would have glanced quickly around to see if anyone appreciated my wit.)

Betty: THE BAKE SALE WAS A GREAT SUCCESS. WE MADE $57.23. A BIG THANK YOU TO DOTTIE FOR ALL HER HARD WORK. AND JOAN, THOSE PEANUT BUTTER BALLS WERE EXCELLENT, BUT I AM NOT GOING TO THANK YOU BECAUSE I HAD TO GO TO THE GYM EVERY DAY LAST WEEK TO WORK THEM OFF!

What I wish I had said: Um, Betty, we still can't hear you here in the front row. Can you speak up? (I would wonder, does anybody get this?)

Betty: I NEED VOLUNTEERS FOR THE HOLIDAY SPLENDOR GALA. LOIS, YOU DID SUCH A GOOD JOB LAST YEAR, DON'T YOU WANT TO DO IT AGAIN?

What I wish I had said (note: I would have completely made this up): Betty, I thought I would share with the committee an interesting article I just read in National Geographic about the behavior patterns of female Australian prairie dogs. The dogs vie for the alpha female position by competing to howl the loudest.

But no one understands the lame attempt at irony, so I spin my head around and make my eyes pop out.

How do you handle alpha dogs?

Comments

[muse]

That's why I always come well-equiped with my needlepoint. Also great at staff meetings, waiting at the dentists, lectures, sitting by sleeping patients etc. Ok, I must admit that my walls are filling, but my sanity's still here, at least IMHO.