Mothering without a mom to guide me

By Jenn

My mother and I were always close.  My sister and I?  Not so much.  I always knew I would be a mom and that my own mother and I would be close and have a great mom-to-mom relationship. My sister and I? Not so much. There would be lunches and shopping days for me, my mom and my daughter. (Of course I would have a daughter.  That was how it was supposed to be.) I would turn to my mom for advice and support. My sister and I? Not so much.

Funny how things actually turn out. Nothing like how I thought it would be. It is nothing like it was "supposed" to be. In fact, the only thing that happened as I expected was that I did have a daughter.

My idea of how I would depend on my own mother as a guide for being a good mother myself never came to pass. More than a decade ago, my mother was diagnosed with a chronic disease that robbed her of her mobility and more devastating to all of us, her personality. Her memories of mothering small children and her logical thinking on how to help have been replaced with frustration and confusion on her part.

I never imagined being a mother without the help of my own mother. Suddenly, I felt alone traveling this terrifying journey called motherhood. How would I ever manage this without someone who had been through it and could help me? Who could I turn to who has always been there and would never leave me if I messed things up?

My sister.

Only 4 years older than I am, she somehow has managed to step in and be there when the pressures of motherhood just become too hard to deal with alone. (And trust me, that happens more often that I ever dreamed it would!) 

Without a mom to turn to or a mother-in-law to seek for support, I turn to the one person who knows me best and knows exactly what it was liked to be raised in the same home as I was.

I feel for the women who have to struggle through motherhood without the help of anyone who loves and supports them. A few years ago, I felt that I was alone. I felt cheated out of the entire "right" I thought I had to be able to turn to the generation before mine for support and advice. Once I got over my selfishness, I realized I wasn't as alone as I thought I was.

I have a sister who is also a mother -- a woman who may not be a generation older than I am, but who loves me unconditionally. I am thankful that I can share the trials and tribulations (as well as the successes) with my sister.

I hope that every mother has someone (if not her own mom) that she is able to travel with along the road of motherhood. If you do, thank her. Today. If not, look me up.  The women in your life may be unavailable. My sister and I? Not so much.

Comments

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[Jo]

Beautiful piece, Jenn. What an inspiration you are; it is indeed hard to not be able to look to your parents for advice and support. I don't share your situation, but I do understand in a small way. Hugs to you - thanks for writing this -

[laurijon]

Jenn, what a great piece, and congratz to you and your sister for being a support system. My own mother died February 2003, two days before I found out I was pregnant, so I know what it's like to be pregnant, and then a new mother without a mother to ask... did you go through this? Luckily my sisters who have kids filled in a few blanks. And for those times when I'm helplessly drenching myself with tears, my father's only a phone call away - hooray for mothering dads as well.

[gaele]

I envy you your sister .. and your mother.. for however long you had her.. what a beautiful tribute .. and glad you have both ..

[Cassie-b]

How lucky with all that bad/sad luck to have a great sister. I envy you.

I did it pretty much on my own. And would have loved to have a sister to lean on. All I have is a brother, and he's not the leanable type.

Keep up the good work.

[Mamacita]

What a great blog; I feel like I've struck gold! Thank you so much for sharing, and I'd love to blogroll you if I may. . . . .

[Emily]

Cooper pointed out your piece to me (she referenced it in our blog) and I love it. You've given me something to think about for days. I never had a sister (I was surrounded by brothers) and now I have two girls. There seems to be magic in the sister dynamic when it works, and I often wonder if my girls will be kind and loving and supportive of each other when they're adults. And now, I'll hope that they are good to each other as mothers.

[cooper]

Jenn, this is beautiful. You are so right when you say we, as parents, need (and must have)some kind of support from someone. It is so cool you found that in your sister.