By Kris
This weekend, at the end of my son John's third birthday party, an in-law of mine told us that she and my male relative have separated. He moved out a few weeks ago. "I love him," she said, the tears streaming down all of our faces. "I want him to come home."
She told us we would always be her family, and we told her the same. She couldn't bring herself to write a letter to us all announcing the breakup, as he'd been after her to do. She took a moment when he went out to load the car to tell us in person.
The sympathy I have for her overwhelms me. I looked at the sadness in her face and saw a widow. The husband she knew just a month ago has vanished, died. In his place is a man who "fell out of love" with her and "has fallen for" someone else, as if love is an accident that happens when you don't watch your footing. In his place is a man who expected her to come to a family birthday party and pretend nothing had changed, as if acting their parts could masquerade her painful reality.
They have two young children. Now she faces raising them as a single mom, heart aching with loss and brain addled with worries about financial support.
"I don't want you to hate him," she said. We don't. But we are shocked, and he hasn't spoken to anyone in our family about this, so we are concerned about him.
She's the one who consumes my thoughts, though. I know that in time, surviving this will make her stronger. Their lives will go on, everyone will make it through. Maybe they’ll even get back together. But for now, it hurts.
I am truly sorry for her. I will pray for her.
Posted by: Rachel | January 31, 2005 at 06:41 PM
How sad! I hate reading stories like this because it reminds me that we are all vulnerable. Relationships, even the strongest ones, can be fragile and sometimes impossible. I'll kiss my husband a little longer tonight.
Posted by: Amanda | January 26, 2005 at 04:24 PM
Two years ago,one week before my 40th birthday, Rich told me he wasn't in love with me anymore and didn't want to be married.At that point we had been married 8 years. Lillianna and I moved into an apartment and Rich moved in with a friend of his. It is still painful for me to remember this. He only moved 4 minutes away and we saw him all the time since he took care of Lillianna while I worked 2 nights during the week and all weekend. My heart was completely broken when he left. I cried all the time. My sister kept yelling at me to stop crying because it wasn't good for Lillianna. I kept crying, "Well, I'm sad!!" I never thought I would survive it at all.
After 6 months he said he would try marriage counseling again. This therapist was so much better than the one we had a few years before.We worked it out and now our marriage is better than it's ever been!! It wasn't easy but we both thought it was worth it!!
Marriage is difficult but it takes 2 people to make it a success.
Posted by: RobinP | January 25, 2005 at 11:07 PM
Over thirty years ago my brother divorced his first wife. He's been married four times since but we are still in touch with his first wife - she shares in our family celebrations, sorrows and we share in hers. I'm sorry to hear there is kids involved - that makes it so much harder.
Posted by: Michelle | January 25, 2005 at 04:45 PM
How sad, and what a genuine wimp he is. Doesn't have the guts to tell his family. She shouldn't have pretended with him that all was well.
My friend's x is getting married tomorrow. We'll have to do something special.
Posted by: muse | January 25, 2005 at 03:13 PM
So Sad! How strange that he was wanting her to tell his own family. I bet the moment seemed surreal. My heart goes out to her, her kids and her ex too.
Posted by: Liz | January 25, 2005 at 10:14 AM
Divorce is hard. Even tougher is having to live through those feelings of being "not in love" with your husband, and "falling" for someone else, even when your husband is a good guy. Even tougher is deciding to stick with the marriage and foregoing pieces of your own happiness for the greater good.
It's hard. Life is. That's all I'm saying.
Posted by: Emily | January 25, 2005 at 10:13 AM
So sad. My neighbors across the street are separated right now for the same reason. Its been so hard to watch it all happen, I can't imagine what its been like for her to live it.
Posted by: Michele | January 25, 2005 at 10:13 AM
Two and a half years ago, my sister - whose life seemed perfect with the perfect house in the perfect suburb with the perfect husband and three children (whom she at least thinks are perfect) - did the same thing. Only, she was the one that "fell out of love". Or actually, in her words, she was never IN love with her ex husband. She DID love him, but she had never been in love with him and she didn't want to ignore her own happiness anymore. She said she had married her husband because he worshipped her and she had needed that at the time they met. Though his feelings for her had not changed (he was shocked and devastated by her decision, as were the rest of us), she had decided after 17 years of marriage that what they had wasn't enough.
I didn't know quite how to react to the whole thing. I realize there are things behind closed doors we don't see. But even my sister agrees that Chip was a great guy (and still is). I want her to be happy, but the whole thing still saddens me, especially since she has since married a man that none of us feel comfortable with. I know that we're not the ones married to him, and admittedly, he has a tough act to follow (we all loved Chip dearly), but when we all get the same creepy feeling from her new husband, it makes you wonder.
Anyway, divorce can be shocking, not just to the two parties getting the divorce but to the two families that were bound together by the marriage. Maybe we're not as nuclear as we think.
Posted by: Michelle | January 25, 2005 at 08:37 AM