My father, my daughter

By Amy D.

I've mentioned before here that my father has Alzheimer's. It's a really big sore spot for me and I usually just pretend it isn't happening because my father's condition is not one in which his Alzheimer's is always evident.

This has all hit me just recently because of the relationship that my father has with my daughter. My father has always been a very gruff man. His bark is always worse than his bite and his love for me, his baby girl, was always evident in his silent support and his complete attention when I needed it. Seeing that relationship develop between Isabelle and him is breaking my heart.

I know I should be happy that my daughter has this wonderful opportunity to meet her Papa, myself not having that luxury because of the age at which my parents had me. I instead feel this certain anxiety -- I worry about the effect my dad's disease will have on my daughter.

Will she, at 3, no longer be remembered by her beloved Papa? Will I have to explain to her before she's even in school that Papa really didn't mean that outburst that he just had? Will his existence be just as painful for her as the non-existence of my grandparents were for me?

I tend to be uptight and an overthinker on issues of the heart because I hate to be caught off-guard. So, I overanalyze things until they don't mean anything. Call it a defense mechanism.

I just don't know how I will ever handle these things when it comes to my father, because I, myself, am pretty cut up about it myself. I play out scenarios in my mind while I ready myself on how to be a good mom when I might find it hard to hold my own self together.

When I see my dad doing the things with Isabelle that I remember him doing with me, it breaks my heart to know that eventually, I'm going to have to deal with a lot more than easing the pain of my own heart, but easing the pain and emptiness in Isabelle's.

Comments

[redhotdot]

Like yourself I am dealing with my fathers Alzheimers. He is in the early stages and I know how heartbreaking it is for you. My father was also a "gruff" man. I have noticed my childern really respond to things as I do. They feed off of us I guess you could say. Try to relax and don't make to much out of his illness. I really know "easier said than done" but I have stepped back and things are much smoother. Please contact me if you need support. I do feel your pain.

The Best

[RobinP]

When Rich told me his comment I thought that was a great idea. We watched Fifty First Dates last week. Making a video would be helpful to you and your daughter. Even if your dad is displaying difficult behavior some times and your daughter doesn't understand it, when she is older she will be able to look back at the video and see it for what it was. A dear grandfather who loved her and wasn't responsible for some of his behavior because of a disease.
The suggestion about reading Maria Shriver's book was a good one. I bet there are others out there.
good luck.

[Rich]

It may sound kind of odd but, Have you ever seen the movie fifty first dates.? I ask this because in the movie Drew Barrymore can't remember anything so Adam Sandler videotapes everything. You should start videotaping all of your Dads and daughters visits. Not just for him to watch, But for her as well, So that she remembers how much fun and love her Grandpa had with her. And it is for you as well, So that you can have a wonderful video library of your Dad.

[Tonya]

Try to just enjoy the time you have with your father and your daughter together.
Children are quite resilient. Look for the book written by Maria Shriver. I think the title is "What's Wrong with Grandpa?" It's written because her father, Sergeant Shriver has Alzheimers and she was trying to cope with explaining it to her children. It might be too soon to use it, but it will help when you need it.