Not so Super Mom

By Jenn

The hardest part of becoming a mother was giving myself permission to make mistakes. 

With my firstborn son, I thought I had to do it all. I had to be the Super Mom that I envisioned all other moms to be. In fact, I allowed other moms to actually fuel the "I'm not good enough" fires that many new moms have flickering just below the surface.  "You're unable to breastfeed?  What a shame!" was translated in my mind to "You horrible, horrible mother! How could you be such a failure so early on?!" 

Every other mom seemed to have it all together. I would go to playgroup and return home in tears. Their houses were always so perfect. I was lucky if I was able to get my dishes washed before we ran out. They always looked so put together. I was lucky if I could take a shower every OTHER day. No one ever talked about the fact that sometimes this job known as motherhood is hard!

With the birth of my second son, I started cutting myself some slack. I realized that my baby wouldn't end up in therapy if I breastfed him in the bathroom while potty training my 2-year-old. Admittedly, I thought I was terrible for doing that, but I didn't think he would suffer long-term psychological damage. If I was so exhausted that I forgot to have my 2-year-old brush his teeth before bed, he wouldn't end up in dentures by the time he was 12. (Although, we'll see. He's only 11 now.)

I was still hard on myself, though. Too hard. I turned to "aids" that were not only enemies, but were in fact counter-productive to being a good mother. I came so close to losing everything I loved that I vowed that no matter what, no matter how hard it seemed and no matter how much I questioned myself, I would no longer try to be Super Mom. I would never achieve it. Never.

Shortly after I pulled my life together and was given back everything I held dear, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I saw her as a chance to enjoy motherhood without the fear of not being good enough. I promised her while she was still in utero that I would relax enough to enjoy being her mother.

She is four years old now. I have yet to break that promise to her. Sure, I lose it now and then and get frustrated. I am not Super Mom. I mess up. I make mistakes. She probably doesn't eat enough vegetables. I know she has gone to bed -- and to school for that matter -- without brushing her teeth. Moreoever, I know that I am way too sarcastic when talking to her sometimes. Nevertheless, I really have relaxed enough to really enjoy her for who she is and who I am as her mother.

I suppose when it comes down it, I have yet to find a Super Mom. Not a real one. Once I've peeled away the layers of superficial masks and fear of being found out for who we really are, I've discovered that I am not alone in wanting to be the best mom I can be and feeling like sometimes I fall just short of that. If you've ever felt that way too, welcome to my club. We're not Super Moms and we make mistakes, but we are real. 

And we will admit it.

Comments

[Randy Deaver]

You're just a normal mother. Don't pressure yourself like that. Sure, there are a lot of great moms out there, but you can be a great mom in your own ways, too. Just teach your kids the basic stuff that they need to know, and find the time to bond with them.

[Tara]

I've always thought of Supermom as somebody who runs a successful home business, bakes from scratch and cooks from Martha Stewart, and has a clean house and French tips. When I realized that baking and French tips are incompatible, I decided the rest probably wasn't possible either!

I've decided that I am too busy being a superhero (getting up all night with babies, suctioning mucus out of a screaming baby's nose, and catching toddler puke in my hands) to have time to even try to be Supermom. :-)

[Bonnie]

I'm glad that my mom didn't try to be Super Mom. We would have missed a lot of spontaneity. Spontaneity--breaking away from the usual routine--builds the most special memories.

[Jaelhouse]

OHMYGOSH!! Reading this post and the correspoding comments is a breath of fresh air!!

I have six kids, er, children. I admit, sometimes they do mimic baby goats in behavior. I have been through the depression, I have been through the sphaghetti on the floor.(I actually need to go check and see.... there still might be some from last night.) My son used to hide raisins in the couch so he could go back later to retrieve and eat them. What kind of a mother am I that he would do this??
I have to laugh about myself. I have made that promise a million times that I am going to enjoy being a mother, and then I ... you guessed, I fall away. Backslide. What is with this?
Writing about it all helps. Reading what you have written is my "salvation" to put it pentecostally.

You go girls!!!
Tami

[Robin P]

I have always tried not to have unrealistic expectations. Rich and I do the best we can with cleaning. Every day is not a gem. If you came over right now you would find Lillianna's Yugio(?) cards on the living room floor,papers on the coffee table, Rich's birthday present draped on the couch (he says it's staying there until he wears it in a few weeks. I pray he is joking!!)and scrap booking supplies all over the dining room table. It will stay that way until I finish my sister's scrap book on Friday.
I never wanted to be Super Mom. I think anyone who appears to be "perfect" is just able to hide things better than we can. Big deal!
Enjoy your children. They don't stay young forever!

[mgood]

I'd love for this to become mandatory reading material for first time mothers-to-be.

Just about a year ago, as I was trying to convince the hospital to let me go home and labour, not for my own comfort but because I had to clean the bathroom and do one more load of laundry, I couldn't conceive (ha) of how, in so short a time, I'd be leaving noodles on the kitchen floor overnight because they're easier to sweep up when they're dry.

Now I know that being Super Mom is more about reading Moo Baa La La La ten times in a row to a daughter I know will never starve - because she can always grab a handful of Cheerios from under the couch.

But I'm glad to have read your post, because I have to remember that the best and most important part of that is how I'm enjoying it - not because I have to do so in order to bring me closer to being Super.

[Charlene]

I'm with Peyton. I'd be a wreck without my sweet hubbie to keep me grounded. Not just helping around the house but reminding me my job is not to be "supermom" but to just be happy! And if I'm happy,I know my son will be too.

[Snow Write]

Try potty training one, nursing another, and helping a third learn their abc's while arguing with your married best friend (also a parent)on the challenges of being a single parent. As single mom to six kids ranging in age from 7 years old to 20 years old I can relate to the married supermoms on some levels but not on other levels. Other single parents will tell you that not having to do it all is a luxury (thank god for the times when my mom came to my aid and saved me from being institutionalized).

I too, suffered the disapproving comments directed to me as a mom, but also as a mom who has been parenting on her own most of her adult life. Supermom (and dad) syndrome is an affliction which is best left to Hollywood.

My kids have turned out to be wonderful human beings in spite of my mistakes as a mom (where was Clean Sweep when I needed it?). Trust me when I tell you that my 20 year old who was subjected to living in a household with 6 women/girls and all the pink, chick flicks and never-ending drama is turning out just fine.

I'm more interested in becoming the best *me* I can be.. and if that makes me a better mom (aka supermom).. so be it.

[cassie-b]

I had a friend say to me once when her children were 5 and 3 - Nobody told me it would be this hard!
True

[Peyton]

Those women with the clean houses probably have great husbands! My husband has, hands-down, been the glue that has kept everything together since Ella was born last October. He does almost all the cleaning. I do the laundry and cooking (for the two of us). He takes care of the dogs, gets up in the middle of the night for feedings 3-4 days a week, and spends just as much time with her as I do. Three nights a week after work, I have law school, and he's home alone with her until after 10:00. When we signed up for this parenting thing, we signed up for it together, and since we both work (and I have school), we share equal responsibility. So if our floor has dog-hair balls rolling across it, it's because he hasn't vacuumed yet this week. And if we end up getting take out, it's because I haven't prepared enough things to cook this week. But it's the teamwork that makes it work - together, we're Super Parents!

[Sarcastic Journalist]

a floor not mopped in a week? try a floor that has only been swept once in 3 months!

i dont understand why a lot of people feel the need to "put on airs" about mother hood. those women with the clean houses?

probably up all night doing so.

[Donna]

My goodness, how I can relate! But I still feel weird when people drop in and I haven't cleaned the house...

[Elizabeth]

When I had my second child, I was really terrified about how would we cope with a newborn and a preschooler. But I've found it much easier in some ways than it was the first time around, precisely because I'm so much more relaxed and confident. Plus, once you've discovered that the baby is ok being left in the high chair while you take his brother to the potty, you can make the next step and discover that he's also ok being left in the high chair while YOU go to the bathroom.

[Cathy]

I, too, have nursed my baby in the bathroom during potty training, sitting on a floor that hasn't been mopped in a week. You do what you have to.