All things being unequal

By LauriJon

I have to stop needing all things to be equal. They never have been nor will they ever be. And the sooner I come to terms with this, the happier my marriage and I will be.

I'm by nature a very competitive person. I had to be growing up as the second oldest of five children. But as a 43-year-old, soon to be 44, I'd like to think that I'm past needing to be the girl in class -- her hand held highest -- with all the right answers.

I grew up in a house where all things were equal. My three sisters and brother and I all had chores to do each Wednesday and Sunday -- men and women being treated equally (okay, girls and a boy). My father always made me feel equal by telling me, "You can be anything you want to be."

I've always made career choices that pointed me towards male-dominated industries. And while advertising is populated by a fair amount of women, more females tend to work on the copywriting side. Art direction and graphic design -- my focus -- are still predominantly male.

Before I had my daughter, Maricella, I thought I'd be able to be a supermom and keep working while I took care of her full-time. But full-time mommyhood takes up all my energy. At 8 p.m., by the time she's asleep, I'm lucky if I have enough energy to weed through e-mails.

As a stay-at-home mom, I've always viewed my role mainly as taking care of our daughter -- teaching, playing, feeding, changing, and clothing her daily. So why do I get bent our of shape when I feel like I'm doing more of the household chores? If I wash dishes after I feed myself and our baby and my husband eats later and leaves his dishes in the sink, why does my blood begin to boil? Why does that make my mind jump to this: "Am I expected to clean it?" And why does it make me feel like JUST a "housewife" and make me feel full of self-loathing?

I recently saw a piece on the "Today" show in which the working and stay-at-home moms both felt that even though their husbands contributed to child raising, they felt their husbands needed to do more. That being said, I feel I need to state that my husband does do a lot. He's really stepped up and worked harder to afford us the opportunity of me staying home with our daughter, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I guess my problem is -- and I feel guilty about this -- I used to have a lower opinion of women who stayed at home compared to those who worked.

I've always had a very male view of myself -- tying a great deal of my self-esteem to the amount of money I made. I was extremely proud to have worked my way up to earning $50/hour as a graphic designer.

Now, I'm working on a new way of thinking. Twice in this past week people were amazed at how well-behaved and aware our 15-month-old daughter is. I need to realize that this is how I'm being paid now. That my efforts to educate and help her blossom into the self-sufficient and loving woman she will be -- that payoff is my currency.

When I look at the power and significance of that, a dirty dish is just a dirty dish and my womanhood is not threatened by slipping into a more "traditional" female role for these few pre-preschool years of her life.

I'm learning to let go of needing to be equal on all fronts. It's enough for me to be mom -- and to be me.

Comments

[Lana]

This story really hits home, as my husband and I adjust to our new lives as parents. My resentment of his "freedom" in working outside the home, and escaping the bulk of domestic duties, is matched, I think, by his guilt over not spending as much time with me and our baby as he'd like, due to the added pressure of being the sole breadwinner for now. It's getting better as the weeks pass, but I don't think we've reached a happy balance yet. The eternal yin-yang yo-yo...

[kat]

This is such an interesting (and well written!) post in light of all the "mommy" directed articles and news stories as of late. I hope that eventually our daughters (and sons!) will learn that whatever they choose...be it a SAHM or a working mom or any other variation, they will be able to view that position as valuable and they will be confident in what they do. And then it will become less about which is better but an appreciation for whatever you decide. :)

[amy s.]

Your entry reminds me of my own struggle with male/female roles at home and at work. My husband willingly does a lot around the house and is a very involved parent, so it's normal to me to think of a husband and wife partnership as being 50/50. But that doesn't work for everyone. As a working mom, I often wonder what my life would be like if I stayed home. I would have to make similar adjustments in my thinking to what you're talking about because I see a lot of my worth in my work. But I firmly believe that a stay-at-home-mom's worth is in HER work as well, her work with the child and the family.

[muse]

You're an executive, a teacher, the most important being in the world.

[RobinP]

I never had a "career" although I have had a good job for the past 14 years. I have found that the past 7 years of being Lillianna's mom is the finest job I will ever have. It's wonderful and I get great rewards every day!