40 by 40

By Julie

Just after I turned 39, I began making a list of 40 things I wanted to do before I turned 40.

It's the kind of list I'd make if I found out I was dying. In a way I felt that a part of me was -- the youthful part that thought anything was possible if I wanted it badly enough and worked hard enough.

In a burst of optimism before giving up on my fantasies, I started a list that combined the practical and the impractical:

1. Create a last will and testament.
2. Wear a piece of really expensive jewelry.
3. Have my first mammogram.
4. See the place discovered by my son Colter's namesake.
5. Start playing guitar and piano again.
6. Buy a house.
7. Take Colter to Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.
8. Thank my family for their love and support through the years.
9. Hold my dad's hand one more time.
10. Meet someone famous I admire James Taylor.

That last one is definitely fantasy. But I have accomplished a few things on the list. I did have a mammogram and buy a house. We started to plan a trip to see Colter's Hell for my birthday but realized it would be more of an adventure than we wanted.

As the months went by and I crept closer to "middle age," I discovered that there was both too much I wanted to add to the list and too little. It became impossible to complete the list, let alone accomplish everything on it.

I began to feel weighed down by my lack of dreams, desperate to understand whether I was lacking ambition or imagination.

Then someone suggested to me that I reverse the list-making.

Instead of making notes of things to do, she suggested I write down things I was glad I had accomplished before turning 40.

This list was way more fun:

• I painted the white picket fence in front of my childhood home.
• I planted cucumbers and tomatoes with my dad.
• I read thousands of books that made me laugh and cry.
• I wrote 75 or so columns, hundreds of entries in my weblog, and created this weblog (DotMoms) that makes other people laugh and cry.
• I once went to a party with the perfect hair, the perfect tan, wearing the perfect little black dress, ready and waiting for the perfect man.
• The perfect man appeared -- about 10 years later -- and I married him.
• I started a peer counseling service that still helps college students get through the night.
• I saw Bob Dylan, Shawn Cassidy, Frank Sinatra, Elton John, the Grateful Dead and David Cassidy in concert at least once (but not at the same time).
• I lived in New York City for four years during college, worked in book publishing, went to museums, saw shows on and off Broadway, and ate way too much good food.
• I had a baby.

Creating this list helped me focus on what I was happy to have experienced rather than the dread I felt about getting older, getting old, being finished.

It also made me welcome my 40th birthday -- in less than two months -- with a renewed energy and an appreciation for the benefits of age and experience.

The accomplishments I've enjoyed most haven't been the ones that appeared on any list ahead of time. They were not about doing as much as they were about living and enjoying what was in front of me.

If I'm lucky, the next 40 years will be full of the same.

A modified version of this LifeFiles column originally appeared on about 70 TV station websites managed by Internet Broadcasting Systems.

Comments

[julie]

Thanks for the positive post. It is a wonderful reminder to look back on what you have experienced and accomplished rather than what you haven't, and I need a new outlook on life right now.

[RobinP]

In January 1993,one month before I turned 30,I wrote my list of what I hadn't accomplished yet.

#1. I wasn't married and there was no boyfriend in the picture.
#2. I didn't have a child.

Finally,I decided to do what you did,write a list of things I had accomplished. Some I never imagined I'd do. I was amazed when I read it over. That list was far longer than the other one. I realized I had nothing to be ashamed of and everything to be proud of.
Eight months after my 30th birthday I met Rich.Four years and one day after Rich and I met,Lillianna was born!!
Life is wonderful when you know where to look!

[Shelley]

I'm down here visiting my snowbirding parents in FL, and my mom exclaimed in astonishment at the sudden realization that I'm turning 40 this year. Having long since moved the celebration of my bio-birthday to a date more conducive to celebration (long story), I had actually not realized that the big 40 was upon me. Now, just after being reminded of this possibly uncomfortable fact, I am blessed with a great idea for how to approach it. Thanks!

[Chip]

Julie,
I really like the reversed list...much more positive to replace a to do list with a "done" one.
Thanks for the inspiration as the clock ticks for us all.

[Elise]

Hey Julie,
I think that second list was just what the doctor ordered! What a great way to turn it around and be able to really revel in the stuff you have accomplished.

Also I feel compelled to tell you that I went to Barnard (graduated 1998) and remember the Nightline counseling service well! There were signs for it all over campus and it seemed to be one of those services that people really used. How cool that you started it! Did you go to Columbia or Barnard? I was a Barnard English major. Always great to find other people connected with my alma mater!

[Lana]

Julie, congratulations on reaching a big life milestone with an open heart and great optimism. In a Botox-crazy world it's nice to see a woman celebrate a full life and looking forward to life past 40.

[Donna]

The second list is way better and I think much more suitable. I too would much rather think of the things I have done than the ones I've not yet accomplished. Great post!

[laurenbove]

Hi Julie: I like this post. I also like the optimism in which you speak of turning 40. Happy Birthday by the way. My 40 will be a year from now on March 29th. I'm kind of freaking out about it, and your post has reassured me quite a bit.

Thanks!

Lauren

[maria]

I'm turning 40 in June and I'm really enjoying your discussion! This sounds so strange, but I'm glad I've experienced what it's like to have a critically ill child. (He's thriving by the way, but had a rough start...) Entering the world of Children's Hospitals, the Ronald McDonald House and sick kids has enlightened me and given me a perspective that almost none of the stuff we get stressed about is important - only the health and happiness of those I love.

But your list is a lot more fun and I think I'll work on my own. Happy 40.

Maria

[Peyton]

Congratulations on your upcoming birthday, Julie. I loved your second list - I can only hope my life is as full when I'm approaching my 40th!

[Analee]

The things you have done is as impressive as your goals. You should give yourself a pat in the back and then, continue on with that "achieving" streak.

[Lei]

Your second list is wonderful and reminds me that life is full of surprises. So keep goin' with the flow and enjoy both the journey and the souvenirs!