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March 31, 2005



My daughter will be four months old in a week, and I've been back at work for three weeks now. Returning to work was really strange because I'd done nothing but think about my baby constantly for 13 weeks, and then I was suddenly busy and going stretches of time without thinking of her at all, which makes for a bizarre jolt when I realize that I HAVEN'T been thinking of her.

I too have gotten used to people calling out after me as I leave their desk, "Is this your keys/glasses/water bottle?" I've started to get almost obsessive in my habits now, checking and double-checking whether I have all the requisite equipment before going anywhere.

I remarked to some more experienced women that I realized I needed to learn a new skill--that of managing to take care of a child and carry on an adult conversation at the same time, because so far attempting to do so makes me feel like I'm doing neither well. They laughed at me though and said that you can never really master that. I guess what you finally become more comfortable with is feeling so scattered.


I wonder about this a lot. I've been waiting for over two years now...so far, no sign of my old brain. I can't read non-fiction books anymore, and it is so frustrating. Writing has become difficult too. I would love to write all kinds of things but my vocabulary has shrunk to that of a toddler's and I just can't concentrate. I used to think this was because a) I had twins and B) I am often sleep-deprived, but I know some other moms having the same problem. I'd love to know why this is happening and when it will end...


oh man, oh man, oh man. do i *ever* know what you're talking about! my little boy is eighteen months old & my brain has yet to return, but i, too, am proud that i'm an expert in my field .. the field of making sure my child is happy & healthy & will hopefully grow up to be a wonderful adult.

thanks for a really well written description of what it's like to have a child which reminded me of why i don't mind so much, after all, having mush for brains.

.. & i wrote this comment while pointing out the animals in his book & saying "woof! woof!" & "quack! quack!" along with him. :-D


I think that's about where I am, too, Nicola! Katie will be 13 months old next week, and I've noticed that just in the last month or so, I'm feeling more like myself. Some of it was time, some of it was all of us sleeping through the night, and some of it, I think, is Katie's growing independence now that she can walk.

Great piece, Lana. If you can end up with such a nice piece even while completely enthralled with your son in your new mom-ness, I think you're doing great. :)


I remember that. My best performance was going to the grocery store, checking out, then leaving the store and heading to the hair dressers *without my groceries*! When I returned to the store some time later (having realised while at the hair dressers that I couldn't see my groceries in the stroller), they had my bags waiting at the customer service desk, and they looked at me as though I were absolutely out of my mind.

Kellan is now 13 months old and I'm feeling much more myself. Returning to work helped a bit, but mostly it was time. My first months back at work (after Kellan was 6 months old) were useless. I've learned to keep a very detailed calendar (I still forget things) and to organise my time and schedule quite strictly. I do feel like my life has fallen back into place a bit, I rarely feel "scattered" anymore, and for a Type A personality like myself, I finally feel like "me" again.


I've been a new mom for 5 months now, and it hasn't gotten much "better". I think about Ella all of the time. There are pictures of her plastered all over my office (I count eight right now). Going back to work has helped a little bit, but maybe it's because of the nature of my work. I have to bill my time, so I have to do the work. But I still daze off into space, wondering what she's doing at this moment, dreaming about her sweet baby smell and her wonderful smile. Before she was born, I never thought I could possibly love her as much as I do!


wonderful perspective.

jake is 15 months old and i still don't think i have my brain back the way it used to be. i usually say i don't have the mental energy to do certain tasks.

it was nice to be reminded by you the things that have replaced my old brain abilities. i'm proud to say that nobody in jake's life has the mental energy quite like i do for the tasks needed to take care of him - just me.

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