I'm famous

By Jennifer

The other day, as I was cooking bacon and trying to shield my 1 ½ year old twins from the searing balls of lava that were shooting off of the frying pan and directly into their trusting upturned eyes while patiently fielding ridiculous questions from a stuttering Kate and listening to Mary describe in horrifying detail the lines each of her classmates had in their upcoming Famous Americans play, I suddenly broke down into tears and started hyperventilating. 

I couldn't stop. Like a scene from "As The World Turns," I ran from the room and threw myself onto our bed in a heaving fit of crying estrogen. It was totally a PMS moment, without the PMS.

While Chuck was consoling me (and trying to figure out how to get me into the mental institution without me knowing it) we realized that I'd just had an anxiety attack. It dawned on me then that this had happened randomly in the past few years, but in the past week it had happened probably four times. 

I called my friend Lisa, who was the only person I'd ever known to have anxiety attacks. She confirmed my suspicions that I was crazy and unable to cope and failing in my job as a mother. I felt like I'd lost points in the race. I wasn't as laid back as I tried to make myself believe I was and as everyone else thinks I am. 

I know people wonder how I do it. I get comments like "I've heard of you! Every time I drive by your house I just think, 'Oh, that poor thing.'" This was reassuring. She was feeling sorry for me. How sweet.

I mean, I'm only human. I may seem laid back, but I do live in constant fear that one or both of my babies will find an open door and decide to practice their favorite sport of "stagger to the street as fast as you can!"

I also worry when I see a scary car or person drive by that they will see my multitudes of beautiful brown-haired, blue-eyed children and think that I won't miss one and get evil ideas.

I think sometimes these crazy fears that we suppress, mixed with all of the outward chaos of cooking and cleaning and laundry and carpool and the phone and AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! The stress has to come out, right?? We all break down, right?? I'm not going to be sent to the Country Home For Wayward Mommies, right….???

Editor's Note: Jennifer is a new DotMom. You can read her bio here.

Comments

[Reita]

Life with kids is definitely insane - but what is reassuring? to know that most mothers are feeling the same way at some point in time whether it's with one kid or 6 - and it's nice to know that you have a place to vent - and know that - hey it's ok - i am normal!

[amy s.]

Welcome to DotMoms, loved your first entry! I recently wrote about a similar topic. Despite what we may here, I think it's perfectly normal to occasionally get overwhelmed - and with four children, yeah, you have that right. :)

[kat]

I think all of us worry...from the day we are told that we are pregnant until the day that we slip away, mothers will just worry. It's just some of us have better disguises and can hide it better.

This reminds me of the episode of Desperate Housewives when Lynette has a breakdown and the other women tell her they they all make mistakes, fail and yet they keep going and the best thing to do is to know that someone cares and is listening. So thank goodness for DotMoms.

[Gina]

It will be OK. You obviously love your children and have not forgotten that you have needs yourself, and that's half the game right there. We all have days and moments when everything is difficult. It helps to stop and make a list of the 10 best things you can think of that have happened in the past year (or last month, if you prefer). It's OK if the only good things you can think of for your list are that you had a good cup of coffee and that you got to watch your children grow. Just list any 10 things that come to mind. When things are difficult, it helps to remember the things that are good.

[amy]

Oh I'm with you there. I have a 19 month old...and she WILL be my only child....let me know if you want to trade anxiety attack stories...I'm here to listen.

[nikki]

Hang in there. My sister has twins (four kids in all) and when they get older they play together so well. It gets easier. In the meantime, pamper yourself and get some time away if that's possible.

[Kris]

Heh. You're right. I have those too, and motherhood does NOTHING to help. Just take the attack as a sign that it's time for a day off ;-)