Not such a small world

By Lana

Five years ago I made the decision to leave Canada and move to Thailand to be with the one that I love, a Thai man I met 10 years ago on a university student exchange. After five years I thought I had fully adjusted to the culture and made peace with being so far from my family.

Then I had a baby.

Since my son was born in January, everything's been shaken up. The cultural differences, especially, have been laid bare as I try to manage the minefield that is my mother-in-law. It's a case of Eastern vs. Western family values, interdependence vs. independence.

In Thailand, it is the norm for the mother-in-law to basically take over the childcare duties, even moving into the couple's home. Most of my Thai friends with children accept this and even welcome it since they usually return to their jobs within a few months of delivery (often a necessity since the notion of maternity leave has not reached this country).

My mother-in-law was all set to do this, so when she discovered that I wanted to stay home and take care of my baby myself it caused a bit of drama, which thankfully my husband managed to quell. But her desire to take charge still lingers. Every time she sees me she asks when I'm going back to work, and she harps on the most minute details such as wiping the baby's bottom. If I change his diaper she hovers over me like an Apache helicopter -- watching, waiting and ready to attack. She even says crazy stuff like if we were to leave the baby with a babysitter or nanny (someone other than her), he would probably get kidnapped!

When my own dear mom and sister came to visit last month I relished our time together. I could relax and be myself. It was nice and chilled out. Spending time with my in-laws is anything but.

At times like this I wish something like the transporters on "Star Trek" actually existed, so I could beam my family over any time. And beam myself away from here, too. Until such technology is invented, however, I'll have to do what I've done a thousand times before – adapt, accept and focus on the positive. I hope I can make it work.

Comments

[Ernesta O'Brien]

I've had many frosty times with my husband because of my in-laws unrealistic expectations. To buy into an argument is simply not worth it. Just bite your cheek and mash your tongue, and just completely ignore the jibes and their snarky comments. Next time your mother-in-law suggest or say somethng ridiculous - respond with kindness and PUSH BACK!

[Kat]

My in-laws are similar. Hubby is an only child, which makes it a bit more challenging because he doesn't really have the heart to discourage them from their over-eager ways. However, a work mate put into perspective for me by telling me the story of his children's grandparents who didn't want anything to do with them and are only now making an effort (his children are already teenagers). So sometimes when I'm at my most exasperated with overbearing in-laws and parents, I just have to remind myself that things could really be worse.

Cathy, I'm Filipino and so is my husband and I still get irritated by in-law butting in so I can empathise!

[LauriJon]

On some levels, all mother-in-laws are created equal. I barely had the sentence that I'm pregnant out and my mother-in-law was telling me of used toys and a highchair that she could aquire. This being my first child sent me into full defensive mode... I'm going to be the first person to buy my own child anything, because it's MY child.

Time and perspective has enabled me to take these things with more grains of salt. Although I think daughter-in-laws & mother-in-laws are always establishing boundaries. Just know that her impositions come from a point of love -- and know too that YOU are the MOMMY and that means that it's YOUR wishes that count.

[Ji]

I am from the Far East (born, raised, finished college and worked there) and am now living in the US. I think in-laws are in-laws no matter what their cultural backgrounds are. My mother-in-law is an American through and through and, despite meaning well, she criticizes, hovers, and oversteps basic boundaries regularly.

I don't think that issues such as yours are always due to cultural differences. True, cultures clashing play a factor, but such issues can also stem from individual differences. I am confident that all American mother-in-laws don't act like mine so it would be unfair to call it an East vs West thing in raising a baby.

You have a great attitude and I wish you the best of luck!!

[Analee]

Even MILs from the same culture are known to cause problems.

As long as your husband understands where you are coming from. He should try to mediate and make sure his mom understands that you are used to a different way of life.

I, on the other hand, am a Filipino, married to a German man. I, too, have my differences with my MIL but instead of "fighting" with her, I force my husband to explain to her that I want things done in a different way.

Goodluck to all of us! :)

[Cathy]

I have the same problem with my Filipino mother-in-law. I am very lucky that we live in the U.S. and I feel more comfortable putting my foot down than if I were in another culture. She has asked on more than one occasion if she could persuade us into living with her, and whenever we say we are going out anywhere, she automatically assumes she will be the one taking care of our children when we are gone. It is very difficult to shift the way I think (the Mom is the person with the responsibility for the children, no matter what), and I still struggle with it even now when my son is three years old.

[Brooke]

I will say a prayer that it works out for you! I don't think I could be that far away from my family! You are very strong...

[amy s.]

That's got to be difficult. Sounds like you have a wonderful attitude about it, and that helps any situation. :) Hang in there!

[kat]

Ooh that's rough. What's interesting to me is how much you can get along with your inlaws when you first meet them and when you marry your husband but as soon as that first kid along, they become the dreaded "inlaw." Not the case for everyone, but for many people I know!

[nikki]

Good luck. That sounds hard. At least you have us dot moms to talk to.