Exercising my right to change

By Jessamyn

The alarm went off at 5:31 a.m. When I got out of bed I was bleary-eyed, and I was so tired I had to pay attention to keep from bumping into anything. But I washed my face and put up my hair. I got dressed in the clothes I'd laid out the night before. I grabbed my purse and my husband's iPod, went downstairs and started up the car.

I was on the treadmill by 5:50. It's the start of a new routine, I hope.

For years, I've acted like working out and eating right were things that somebody else was trying to force me to do, but this time, when working out left me feeling happy and relieved and energetic and light on my feet, I realized what a bad attitude that is. 

Nobody else is trying to force me to take care of myself, and nobody else can possibly make me take care of myself. I'm the only one who can do it, and I am the one who will most benefit from it. Several years ago, at my highest weight, I went to Jenny Craig in desperation, and I lost 40 pounds. As of this morning, I weigh 40 pounds more than that "highest weight." And although I'm tired much of the time, I don't sleep very soundly.  Maybe worst of all, I'm really starting to get depressed and ashamed about the shape I'm in.

It's hard to change your routine. It's also hard, when you've spent the last year getting up exhausted at 6:30 or 7:00, to look into your future and see an infinite number of days of waking an hour even earlier to go and do something that takes energy and that -- admit it -- seems boring. So many times I've started a new routine but have been unable to keep it up. And after a few days or weeks have passed without a workout, it's been easy to let the whole idea fall by the wayside.

So this time I'm not putting the pressure of "forever" on myself. Instead, I've issued a temporary challenge to myself: how much can I do before August 4th, when I turn 35 years old? Maybe by then I can make myself proud. Maybe that would be the best birthday present I could give myself.

After just one day, I'm already reminded that a certain amount of exercise doesn't make you more tired, even if you're getting one less hour of sleep. The miracle of exercise is that even while it tires you out, it also gives you energy. Already, I am less tired than yesterday. Already, I am more proud of myself than yesterday.

Ask me how I feel four weeks from now. And wish me luck!

Jessamyn lives in Chicago with her daughter and husband.

Comments

[yrobinson]

Good luck. Losing weight is the hardest thing I have ever done. And I have another 30 pounds to go before I can put on a bathing suit or walk around with my kids without being self-conscious. It is SOOO hard on the self esteem.

[amy s.]

congrats on setting a goal for yourself and doing the work - i know how hard it is. i'm currently trying to exercise more and lose weight. i need to be more healthy to keep up with my daughter!

[Nicola]

Good luck Jessamyn! We'll be cheering you on. Four weeks is enough time to notice a difference, to lose a few pounds, and most of all, to start feeling more energetic and better about yourself. After that four weeks, you won't be able to stop!

I cycle every morning. I have a trailer, and like it or not, Kellan also cycles every morning! We always have a trip to the park included in the ride, so Kellan knows that there's something to look forward to. I am at my pre-pregnancy weight now (it took over a year to get my body back) and feeling great, healthy, energetic, and muscular. You can do it! Good luck and enjoy the results.

[Robin P]

Ahhhhh,the memories of Jenny Craig. I did that many years ago. I lost $1,000 and gained 25 microwaveable plates! The second I stopped eating her food,I blew up. I was supposed to be able to maintain my weight by eating "normal" food according to my counselor there but that didn't happen. Not at all! I have struggled with my weight ever since.
Good for you for having such a positive attitude. I have tried and tried to focus on eating well and exercising but after a week,something happens and suddenly I am off track.
We are going to DisneyWorld for the first time as a family in November and I keep trying to lose weight so that I will not be out of breath walking through the parks.
Thanks for the inspiration.

[naomi]

What a wonderful new attitude! I will be adopting it - have goals, be determined but go moment by moment... I've got to keep playing that in my head!!! Best wishes for a very happy birthday. Naomi

[Eli]

You know what makes it more enjoyable for me? A good audiobook on the mp3. Then it's something I look forward to, rather than something I dread. I get to "read" silly mind-candy fiction and feel good about it.