When your child has food allergies

By Kristin

My three and a half year old daughter attends a Montessori preschool that she absolutely loves; and I absolutely cherish it after cycling through two other schools and several babysitters in an attempt to get it right. You may ask if she is some sort of demon child or if I am some sort of educational freak in search of perfection. And the answer (on most days) is no. The problem is that she has food allergies. And no one gets it. 

She is severely allergic to all forms of dairy, eggs, and nuts -- as well as soy and wheat, however she now tolerates those. Cooking is a challenge, to say the least. But the larger challenge is conveying the severity of these allergies to others. I try to scare them right off the bat with the EpiPen. "If she is having difficulty breathing, you need to stab her in the thigh with this shot and call 911 immediately." That usually gets their attention. But slowly the attention fades. And the misinformation flows. "So if she is allergic to dairy, that just means you need to give her that lactose-free milk?" Wrong.  "So if another child is eating a peanut butter sandwich, you just need to make sure she doesn't eat it?" Wrong. 

I think many parents unknowingly perpetuate some of the problems we have. If you have never dealt with a child with food allergies, you just really don't know the level at which you have to be careful. I read a letter to the editor the other day from a parent in a school district that was attempting to go peanut-free. People were saying things like "That's Un-American! Kids have always had peanut butter and jelly." And when I volunteered for lunch duty at my daughter's school the other day (which I generally can't let her stay for, because of all the hazards), I saw the most unbelievable array of peanut products; they made me realize I can never allow her to stay for lunch again. 

The bottom line is that sending peanut products in your child's lunchbox is like sending a loaded gun in your child's backpack. Yes, hopefully nothing will happen, but would you take the risk? It takes literally 1/100th of a peanut to cause a potentially life threatening reaction. My daughter could die if she ingests 1/100th of a peanut. So that PB&J that someone sent with another child gets half-eaten and smeared on the table. She simply touches it and she could go into anaphylactic shock. I may seem to friends, family, and caregivers like a total freak. But, for me, the risk is simply too great. 

So, even if your child's school is not peanut-free, can you please stop sending these products in your children's lunches? I know they love them, but there are millions of beautiful, fun-loving, smart children out there who are endangered by them every day. We are not trying to annoy you, or be overly cautious, or act "Un-American." We are simply trying to protect our babies. We don't enjoy having a child with allergies. It is hard in a way that only parents of special-needs children know. So, please, just trust us.

Here's a list of tips:

1. PLEASE, don't send peanut products of any kind to school. And don't serve them at birthday parties or events where there are children with allergies. No mother expects you to have alternate birthday cakes for dairy or egg allergies (I always have a stash in the freezer to take along), but asking her about a few other types of snacks is a very welcome touch.   

2. Instruct your children to NEVER share their lunches with other children. Explain to them that food allergies could make some of their friends very sick and it is important that they never share food items.

3. If a visitor to your house has a child with food allergies, ask them what would make them comfortable. Should you put up the peanut butter to a higher shelf in the pantry?  Keep mixed nuts off the cocktail buffet? Parents of children with food allergies are always on a high state of alert -- eliminating simple items that aren't necessary to have out will help them relax just a bit. 

4. Always beware of contact allergies and cross contamination. If your neighbor's food allergic child is playing at your house and you are fixing snacks, a smear of peanut butter on the table is deadly. Always wipe eating surfaces, edges of tables, and chairs. And never use the same fork to eat your eggs and share a bite of something else with an allergic child. Eating surfaces and utensils (and even napkins) must all be kept separate and well-cleaned. That cookie sheet you used to toast nuts should be thoroughly washed with hot soap and water (or put in the dishwasher, which is even better) before you decide to cook chicken nuggets on it.

5. Always ask the parent of an allergic child whether they can have something before you give it to them. We have had many well-intentioned parents try to give our daughter snacks she can't have. Plus, many harmful snacks look like things she might be able to eat (e.g. Plain Ritz Crackers and Cheese Ritz Crackers). The parent is not trying to be overly controlling -- respect the bevy of knowledge they have to keep straight in their brain about all the chemicals and additives that are not safe. For instance, kids with dairy allergies cannot have anything with any type of milk product or additive, which are sometimes only listed as whey or casein. 

6. If you are a restaurant owner or waitperson, please don't get annoyed when people request more information because of their food allergies. They do have the right to eat out and should be able to expect that their hamburger won't be contaminated with peanuts or their plain turkey sandwich won't have butter on it. 

7. If you are a parent of a child with food allergies, you are going to have to figure a lot of stuff out on your own and be a constant advocate for your child. But there are some great resources online.  The Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network is a great place to start. 

And that's the end of my rant.

Kristin is married to her high school sweetheart and the mother of one daughter, Madeline.

Comments

[Mike]

You will not like hearing this, but you need to think about it.
Is your daughter planning to attend a peanut-free college (if one exists)? What about a peanut-free workplace?
You and she need to think about these issues, as much as you may not want to. She needs to protect herself eventually.
What is especially amazing about peanut allergy parents is that some think they can demand that others scrutinize food labels and spend extra money to buy special nut free products. That is completely beyond what you can morally demand from others (despite misinterpretation of the ADA to the contrary, as accommodations need only be "reasonable"). If your child is that sensitive, you must homeschool.

[Terri Norton]

My daughter is 14 months old and has multiple food allergies. I am dreading the whole school scenerio. She is allergic to Soy, dairy, sesame seeds..etc. The list goes on and on and keeps growing. I am so frustrated. I am running out of food ideas.

[Angel]

You totally *rock*. As a mom of a child with severe food allergies, THANK YOU and bless you!!

And for the parents who are stymied about what else to send for their kids, ask your grocery stores to carry Sunbutter--it's made from sunflower seeds and is pretty darn close to peanut butter, I have a hard time telling the difference.

[Kay Camplese]

I just finished reading Kristin's article on dealing with her daughter's severe allergies. Before reading her article, I was busy picking up and sorting through my granddaughter's toys she had so joyously played with during her visit to Nanny's house this past weekend. I am blessed to have such a beautiful grandprincess as well as having such a caring and conscientious daughter-inlaw such as Kristin. Yes I am Madeline's grandmother and she is my first and only grandchild so you see I have been very new to the role of grandmother. I can tell you I was present when Madeline was born and she captured my heart as my own son and daughtetr did when they were born. However, I must admit that even though I loved her more than my own life I still had a very difficult time coping and understanding her allergies from the getgo. Looking back I know her Boppy and I made many mistakes that Kristin mentions in her article--actually she would probably say we violated alot of the "don't dos" in her column especially in Madeline's first year of life. We now know to put all peanuts away, peanut oil is not in the house, and peanut butter is way up on the top shelf. Actually, we don't really eat any of the products near her and if we do serve peanuts or have a snack when they are not here I make sure I vacumm well. Even so, Madeline is so well schooled on her allergies from her parents, especially Kristin, that she knows exactely what is Madeline butter, madeline cupcakes, madeline pancakes, etc. Actually, she tells Nanny what she really can have. For me education/learning about (especially peanut )allergies is the key. Most individuals really don't know how serious this allergy is. When I was growing up and my children were really little, peanut allergeries were not on the forefront. Actually, we didn't know about alot of things and our kids somehow survived BUT this Is different! I know I wouldn't have really understood had it not been for Madeline and her parents. Hopefully, more information and warnings will be forthcoming from schools, healthcare providers, and other avenues in the community to educate people. This website is intriquing to me even as a grandparent and I sure envy all the young mothers out there who share their thoughts, feelings and needs as they raise their children. Somehow, I just know I could have been a better Mother but I do know I am becoming a really good grandmother. Thanks to all the Kristins and all the other Dotmoms who share. Kay Camplese; wecamplese@hotmail.com

[Kay]

I just finished reading Kristin's article on dealing with her daughter's severe allergies. Before reading her article, I was busy picking up and sorting through my granddaughter's toys she had so joyously played with during her visit to Nanny's house this past weekend. I am blessed to have such a beautiful grandprincess as well as having such a caring and conscientious daughter-inlaw such as Kristin. Yes I am Madeline's grandmother and she is my first and only grandchild so you see I have been very new to the role of grandmother. I can tell you I was present when Madeline was born and she captured my heart as my own son and daughtetr did when they were born. However, I must admit that even though I loved her more than my own life I still had a very difficult time coping and understanding her allergies from the getgo. Looking back I know her Boppy and I made many mistakes that Kristin mentions in her article--actually she would probably say we violated alot of the "don't dos" in her column especially in Madeline's first year of life. We now know to put all peanuts away, peanut oil is not in the house, and peanut butter is way up on the top shelf. Actually, we don't really eat any of the products near her and if we do serve peanuts or have a snack when they are not here I make sure I vacumm well. Even so, Madeline is so well schooled on her allergies from her parents, especially Kristin, that she knows exactely what is Madeline butter, madeline cupcakes, madeline pancakes, etc. Actually, she tells Nanny what she really can have. For me education/learning about (especially peanut )allergies is the key. Most individuals really don't know how serious this allergy is. When I was growing up and my children were really little, peanut allergeries were not on the forefront. Actually, we didn't know about alot of things and our kids somehow survived BUT this Is different! I know I wouldn't have really understood had it not been for Madeline and her parents. Hopefully, more information and warnings will be forthcoming from schools, healthcare providers, and other avenues in the community to educate people. This website is intriquing to me even as a grandparent and I sure envy all the young mothers out there who share their thoughts, feelings and needs as they raise their children. Somehow, I just know I could have been a better Mother but I do know I am becoming a really good grandmother. Thanks to all the Kristins and all the other Dotmoms who share. Kay Camplese; wecamplese@hotmail.com

[Melanie]

A close friend of mine has a son with a severe peanut allergy, so she always is in charge of the food at every school event, except for one at the beginning of the year, where she allowed another mother who worked with her husband to buy the ice cream. This woman has a child in a wheelchair (so knows all about special accomodations), and is a highly educated professional who was well aware of the child's allergy. AFTER the event, she said to my friend, "So, I was looking at the nut-free ice cream and it was THREE DOLLARS more expensive than the normal stuff! So I said to myself, "Sorry [child's name]!" My friend was agast, and said, "Well, if he had died, you'd be really happy you saved the three dollars!" It really drove home to her that you really can't trust anyone, which is terribly unfortunate.

Anyway, thanks for the post - they were all good points that need saying.

[rosemary grace]

Ugh, how terrifying. You have my sympathy. I've never had food allergies, but I was a relatively young child with migraines, and people (other than my parents) just plain did not believe me. I didn't go pale and throw up, or have a fever, so I didn't look particularly sick, but I would be half blind from the "aura" effect, the school nurse, teachers, other parents...said I was just making a fuss / trying to get out of work / looking for attention.

I've heard stories about teachers not taking kids with asthma seriously, taking away the emergency inhaler etc.

Why will people not just take someone's word for it about the invisible medical things?

[Imperfect Mommy]

Unfortunately when you are the parent of the child with severe food allergies, fussy eaters vs. a life/death situation just doesn't compare. Many children can even have reactions to airborne particles.

Beyond, what happens when the child who is allergic sits down at that table to do an art project later and the table wasn't thoroughly cleaned? Or what if some peanut butter remains on your child's hands and the two hold hands on the playground?

I totally understand where Robin P is coming from (and I have heard it from a lot of mothers -- "I feel bad sending peanut products, but it is all my child will eat"), but trust me when I say kids are very adaptable and if you start feeding them something else, they will start to eat other things -- like when I had to cut out all wheat, soy, dairy, nuts, and egg products from my daughter's diet.

[Robin P]

Lillianna's school has a peanut butter table so that anyone with peanut products in their lunch can sit there and not expose children with peanut allergies to any peanut dangers. They are far away from the allergy group.

Lillianna is a very fussy eater and only buys lunch on pizza day and the rare occasion when they serve waffles. Peanut butter and fluff is the only thing I can send that doesn't need to be cooked and that she will eat. We do double wrap her lunch as the school suggested so that the smell doesn't get out while it's in her backpack in the coat room.

In the past 3 years,Lillianna has had children in her class with peanut allergies and the school is very good about keeping the peanut butter kids away from the allergy kids in the classroom and in the cafeteria. The students are constantly being reminded not to share snacks with one another because of allergies. They are very aware of the dangers.

It is sad that people don't take it seriously sometimes. I have seen what one of the moms has to go through with her twins with peanut allergies and it doesn't look like fun. She is very vigilant and her boys know enough to say no when an adult says,"But it's just a cupcake. It won't hurt you." They know it isn't so innocent.

I don't think people are out to intentionally hurt children with allergies,I just think they are uneducated. It feels like these allergies used to be one in a million,now they are much more common.
I truly believe more information is the key to keeping your child safe.
Good luck.