The human heart

By Jessamyn

For the past few months, I've been having a recurring dream. In the dream, everything is fine. I'm playing with or taking care of Katie, my 18-month-old daughter. She and my husband Geoff and I are at home, doing what we do. Maybe we draw with crayons or watch Elmo on TV or eat dinner together or dance to music. In the dream, I find myself very focused on Katie, enjoying being with her, watching her beautiful face, loving the sound of her voice and her laughter.

After a while I realize that Geoff keeps leaving the room that Katie and I are in to go do something else. Sometimes in the dream somebody else is there -– a family member or a friend –- and they will leave with Geoff. Before long, I look over and see that they are holding a baby, and for a second I wonder where the baby came from and why it is here until suddenly it hits me: that baby is my baby, my second child.

Then a wave of guilt washes over me, because –- my God! –- I had forgotten that I had a second baby. I look at the baby, and it is cute (I can never tell whether it is a girl or a boy in the dream). It's not a newborn baby, either; it smiles and looks around and tries to crawl. It's a lovely baby, but I don't know this baby. This baby is starting to change and learn and grow, and I have missed it. How did this happen? I wonder. How have I allowed this to happen? I feel awful. And then I wake up.

It's not the world's most baffling dream. Lately I have been looking forward to having a second child. We had always said that we wanted to try to have two or three children. Katie is 18 months old now, and I turned 35 this summer. Katie is old enough to understand at least some of what's happening if I get pregnant. All three of us have been sleeping through the night for about a year now. And so we have been talking about trying to have another baby next year.

In my waking life, my feelings about this have been pretty uncomplicated. I'm a little anxious about how much more difficult it will be to go through pregnancy and the newborn months (and beyond) with Katie added into the mix. But mostly, I look forward to a new baby –- and I know that my first feelings toward that new baby will be so much more meaningful, since I've seen Katie go from newborn to now.

I'm thinking the dream is telling me that, deep down, I have other anxieties, too. When Katie was a few months old, Geoff and I talked about how wonderful she was. On the one hand, she was so great that she made us want to have another child even more than we'd already wanted one, because if future children were anything like her, they would be amazing. On the other hand, she was so great that she made us want to never have any other children, because how could any other child live up to how we felt about Katie?

Now I think my dreams are reminding me of those early conversations. I wonder how I can possibly love another child as much as I love Katie, and how I will be able to give Katie and a new baby all the love and nurturing that they will both need. I do believe that when and if we have another baby, we will be fine. I trust that I have enough love in my heart and mind to love as many children as we decide to have. So I don't really question that it will work; but part of me does question how (do you understand just how much I love this child of mine?). 

Maybe the only answer is that the human heart is an amazing thing.

Jessamyn lives in Chicago with her daughter and husband.

Comments

[Jessamyn]

Thank you, all of you, for your comments. It's good to hear direct from you - not only that this is an issue that will resolve itself when there is a new child to love, but also that I'm not the only one to have these kinds of worries!

[Maria]

When I was pregant w/my second I remember looking at my sleeping son wondering how I could love anyone else as much as I loved the baby I had right in front of me. And, then when I was pg w/my 3rd I still had the same thought - even tho I knew the answer- you just do. Our children are amazing creatures and wonderful and our job as parents (besides all the not fun discipline raising them stuff) is to make sure they are loved like crazy.

After falling in love w/my first and second I really do understand how people have ten kids. You just love them so much you want more. For us 3 feels right - I'm 40 and #4 would bankrupt us - but if I were ten years younger...

Good luck!

[naomi]

My precious second son, Samuel Reuben, was born a week ago today. I laboured mostly at home and just before I went off to hospital at 4am, I went into Elijah, who is 4 and a half, to kiss and cuddle and sniff and soak him up. At that point I was totally overwhelmed with emotion and while the contractions powered on, I held my "big" boy and cried; his life was about to change and I can't explain it any better than to say that I just wanted time to stand still. Could I love another child as much as my Angel Boy? Was I going to turn his life, as he knew it, upside down? Would I be able to provide both boys with the kind of attention Elijah had known all his life, as that was the only way I wanted to "mother" my children? Five hours later, I was holding my second "Angel Boy" and totally overwhelmed by this flood of intense love for him. A little time later and in walked Elijah and I knew that this was the way it was meant to be. Samuel was very much meant to be in our lives, and we all have enough room in our hearts to embrace him and love him. Until that moment of hugging Elijah while in labour, I had never really had any doubts as to my ability to love and care for another child, and since Samuel's birth I have not had an ounce of doubt! I second Katie's statement!! Best wishes, Naomi

[joy]

we're trying for number 2 now. i've always felt that for all the intense love i have for my son, i had to have another one. i mean, it's like i have too much love (i know that's not possible) for just one child. it would only be fair to have another.

but i have heard, like so many have commented, that love increases for each child when you have more.

[Goldberry]

I loved this post! I felt (and feel) the same way. I adore my daughter (she's almost 3). I mean, she is my life and soul. I breathe her in, even when she isn't here. Every decision made is made around her. I am happiest when I see her as happy as she is. She's smart and polite and extremely easy going. Nothing can compare to how perfect I think my daughter is in our eyes.

With that said - I am expecting our second daughter in about 8 weeks. I am conflicted, but I talk about the new baby with my daughter and her eyes light up knowing that she will be a big sister. With the bonding that my daughter and I have shared these past 7 months has made me love my second child so much already. Even with the many doubts going through my mind, I am now certain that my second daughter will be the perfect addition to this family. Things will be different, but things will be fabulous.

[Krisco]

What a great post, I totally relate to it. I did the exact same kind of worrying. One year into having two children, luckily, no such problems have occurred. Phew.

[Maura]

As of mother who remembers when they were 1 and 2 and now 11 and 12 all I can relay is that your heart can love each child unconditionally. As my children are now passing into adolesence I am constantly amazed at how my love grows continually for both of them. You are a wonderful mother to Katie and you always will be as you will be a wonderful mother to the future children you bring into this world.

[Laure]

The thing too, to remember, is that sometimes your dreaming mind forgets allll that transition time. Those months of talking and preparing and Katie coming to know what's going on. Sometimes our minds just PLANT us in situations like that and we forget all that before stuff - All that before stuff will sooth a lot of those anxieties. And remember it's not just another wonderful child, it's your lovely family growing - that's all! And having another close to Katie will make things much easier in a few years.

[Robin P]

My friend Linda told me that we she was pregnant with her 2nd daughter,Sarah,she would sit at the foot of her daughter,Meghan's bed and weep while Meghan was asleep,"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. How will I be able to love you as much as I do and still love this other child?" She was absolutely torn. Of course now that Meghan is 15 and Sarah is 13,that just seems like a bizarre thought. She immediately loved Sarah and her love for Meghan never changed.
People with more than one child can't explain it but adore each and every one of their children.
You will too!!It's just the way it is!

[amy h]

What a wonderful post! Your concern about this issue is a testament to what a super mother you are (and will be). From my experience the anxiety you feel about loving more than one doesn't go away after the second one arrives, you just realize that you can only do your best...and that's really good enough!
Good luck!
Amy H.
(fellow dot-mom)

[Katie]

In my experience, having another child increased my ability to love everyone. Good luck with your decision!