Having a third child

By Michelle

After I had my first child, I knew I wanted a second baby. Boy or girl, it didn't matter to me. There was no question about it. I waited until my son was about 18 months old and in time we conceived our second. Now that my daughter is reaching that same milestone, my thoughts are very different. I'm now starting to question whether I want a third, even though it was always in the original plan. 

Having two children means they don't outnumber us. It means we can take the entire family out to dinner and a movie just for fun and not only on special occasions. We won't have to live on Cheetos and water with only two college educations to pay for.  And soon, I won't have to change diapers any more (cue the Hallelujah chorus). 

But then, I wonder about what this unborn child could be like. What if he or she becomes the sunshine of my life? What if he rocks my world in a way I can't possibly imagine? Could I really give that up for the selfish desire to wear comfortable jeans and not have to put my body through the discomfort of yet another pregnancy? I can't answer that yet.

I come from a family of two, while my husband is from a family of six. To him, large families mean boisterous fun, teasing, and a strong sense of loyalty. It also meant that he almost never went out to dinner with the entire family. He never really had birthday parties, either. And yet, he doesn't miss them since he never knew what it was like.  Unfortunately, he does know what it was like to have an older brother hang him from the doorknob by his underwear.

For me, some of my happiest memories come from the intimacy of a small family. We went out to Sunday brunch every week after church at the officer's club on base.  I am very close to my parents, and because my children are the only grandchildren, they are spoiled rotten.

As each month passes, I question whether I want our family dynamic to change. Do I want to go back to the sleepless nights, only now with two older children in tow? Do I want to juggle the bottles, baby food, diapers, and spit-up while trying to give the others time alone with me? Or do I want to keep our family the way it is?

What made you decide to have another child or to quit while you were ahead?

Michelle lives with her husband and children in southeastern Virginia, where she teaches sixth-graders and also write historical romances.

Comments

[CandiLee]

I've been reading through pages and pages of posts and am so glad to see that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I'm currently 30, my husband and I will be celebrating 13 years together as a couple(3 as a married couple) this year. We have a little girl who is 5(6 in August) and started Primary this year and a little boy who is 3(4 in November. My husband works hard and I'm able to be a stay at home mom, so I'm very thankful for that. We always wanted 3 children(well initially I wanted 6..lol) and we both come from families with two boys and a girl. Everyone thinks that our little family is perfect just how it is...the million dollar family, but there is a part of me that longs for my third child. Can we afford him/her? Will it upset our current family dynamic too much? Will my older kids resent me? Will I still have enough time for everyone? Can I do this? Can we do this? Sleepless nights, diapers, two hands for three children. So many questions going through my head, and my heart keeps telling me we can do this. When my husband gets home from work I'm going to ask him some of the questions I've read on here. I know that no matter what happens and what we decide that all will work out in the end.

[Sarah]

I have 2 girls, 5 and 3. I am having this "baby itch" and it seems as though it wont go away. my husband is totally happy with 2 girls and doesnt see why i want a third. i am an only child and always knew that i wanted 3. he has a brother and i guess he finds comfort in knowing that 2 might be the perfect number. my girls are pretty much spoiled as can be and i cant help but wonder if i am being selfish on wanting another. its just when you decide early in life that you want 3 kids and later discover that your husband doesnt want what you want, how do you deal with that? of course my dream would be to have 2 girls and a boy. i just want God's plan and not mine.

[Amarie]

Hi,
I am 27 years old and I have two kids by two different fathers a 10 year old boy and a 7 year old girl unlike almost everyone on here i am not married. I told myself after the first one that I would not have another till I was married then after being with my daughters father for 5 years I got pregnant however as soon as I found out I terminated the pregnancy. Surely enough a few months later I was pregnant with my daughter. I am now in a happy relationship with a man that finally shares the same values and goals in life as I do. I've known him since hs and ran back into him in school and every since then have been so happy with each other. We've spent countless nights figuring out game plans for our goals. He wants to open up a children's boutique and I would like to have my own photo studio as well as write a book or two. He has a three year old daughter and struggles to spend time with her because the mom is still in love with him and hates the idea of us together. Well now Im pregnant and I'm so lost and confused and we feel that all if our plans will now have to be on hold. He doesnt want me to keep it because we both agree that now is not the time and honestly I'm not fond of having 3 kids by 3 different men. We've talked about marriage but he wants to wait till we have started our businesses and we've only been together for 4 months. I believe that everything happens for a reason however I can't see a good reason for this. My kids fight over everything and i get so stressed i want to run away. I'm enjoying the freedom of having kids that can now wipe their own butt and our really self sufficient. We don't have a lot of money i just got a job from being unemployed for a year and he works a security job not making that much. we planned to buy a house by next year but that was before this surprise and now worry about not being able to afford it. Plus the stress of the drama from his daughters mom really makes me want to terminate it. I wonder why I haven't terminated the pregnancy yet with all the cons that there are. When I had the previous abortion I didn't hesitate but I am now. Some days I'm ok and feel that everything will work out and others I feel like I must be crazy to think of having another one with this situation. I have thought about adoption but he says there's no way if I have the baby. He's great with my kids and I know he'll be an excellent father but I feel like such a statistic. Anyways I keep going back and forth. Please help I don't want to make a decision I will regret.

[Ben]

Hi, my wife and I have had our ups and downs and decided to seperate; I stayed on a bit longer as we have 2 wonderful girls but my wife and I don't love each other anymore.. but my wife now tells me she is pregnant (my fault, I should have got the snip) and wants to keep the child but I do not want another child and considering we're moving on, I don't want to stay.. I have no idea what to do now?

[Mariska]

I am 38 yrs old. I have a healthy son of 7 en daughter of 17 months. Both children were gifts to me as I am actually infertile...I had cancer twice and the treatment killed my ovaries. Nevertheless I always believed that if is God's will, I will have a child...no matter what we as people think in our little brains...no matter what sience says...I divordec when my son was 18 months old...then got married again two years ago. This time I prayed for another baby...and left in in God's will to decide if there will be another. Now she is 17 months old and I cannot be happier! But like you all are writing...I cant help but think of a third...I also have my fears and earthly worries about what could go wrong...my state of my body and health...
So now I am thinking...should I again ask God if another is ment to come my way ...I love children.......or should I rather focus on my health and not face the things that can go wrong if I had to have a third child and ceasar!!
some one said to me once that if you follow your heart, you can never go wrong...and if the thought of a third is there and you dont explore the option...you will definately regret it one day! All of you are in different situations...but the crux I suppose is the same. If it is meant to be its ment to be...and if there is a yearning for another...then there is a soul waiting to be born to you. Look how I am blessed, and I thank god every day...! Is it wrong of me to think about a third gift?

[Jane page]

I feel the same way... I have two boys, 3 and 1. They are the loves of our life. I always wanted two children, boy and girl. I wouldn't change my two little guys for anything. I just don't feel complete , I think it's because we dont have a little girl. My husband thinks I'm crazy, everything is built for a family of 4. I just can't get this feeling away.

[Jessica]

Sorry for the misspelled words I am at work=) Trying to blog without anyone seeing.

[Jessica]

Hi I am Jessica I am 27. I have a 11 yr old & a 7 yr old. Me & my husband are still young but I don't think I see another baby in our future. Reasons the economy is awful, babysitters, sleepless nights, add expense, we can not come & go as we please. My 11 year old is in middle school. Which means more $$$ dances, cheerleading uniforms,keeping up with the latest style.etc. My 7 year old needs new cloths every month she grows so fast. For me I rather just spoil my 2 girls. Rather then have another and have to stretch my dollar and time. Yes I only eventually ne & my husband will get bored one there older & do there own things. But since we had them so young, we see it as we will have more time to go out and do things.

[ashley]

I have a 4 year old and a 2 year old, both boys. I have been tossing around the idea of a third but my husband doesn't feel so strongly about it. I think about it night and day. It's a constant nagging that I just can't get rid of. I feel if I decide on "NO" I will be depriving myself and my children of someone they would really love and adore, but I don't know if my mental health would hold up with a 3rd boy. I had an IUD inserted last July and it fell out.... is that a sign? I really have no idea what to do or what would be best for my family. I am 33 and I can hear that clock ticking. I come from a family with four children and love my siblings like nothing else. What to do????

[Christi]

Oh boy...glad to know that I'm not alone here. We have 2 girls, age 5 and 3. I am finally in "mommy heaven"...never been happier in my life with my life. I am enjoying motherhood and not merely "surviving" it. It was really just trying to make it thru the day, crashing to bed right after I put the kids to bed, not a morsel of energy for anything else. I just can't get rid of this "baby bug". It doesn't help that my husband wants at least 2 more kids! When I see babies, I think about what it would be like to do it again. Am I nuts for messing up my perfect world? The thought of raising my daughters and sharing the world with them is so exciting. Why can't I just "get over" the desire for more children? It's definitely not the cheapest choice on the menu. I really believe that both parents need to be totally in agreement for another baby or else there will be resentment.

[sophie]

hi when you have given birth can you please let me know how it went i have 2 boys at the age of 19mths and 9 mths and im expecting a girl in october i only had gas and air with both.everyone kept telling my the second is always easyer but no one mentions a third my second was alot quicker with only a 2 hour birth but i felt it was more painfull as my first was 9 hours is a third quick more painfull no body can seem to tell me there expirience.thanks.

[Leila]

I am so glad that I stumbled upon this website, Glad to know that I am not the only one in the decision rut. I have two boys that are 6 and 4 and I decided that I would love to have another baby. For years, I could not decide, I listed all the reasons that I should not; at the same time I could not give away one piece of baby clothing either. As Lila below said, the worst decidion is better than being indecisive. Now I need to convince my husband who gave up on his wish for a third and hope that my 35 years of age will not be a problem.

[ashleigh]

I have been giving this a lot of thought as well. I have a 3.5 year old girl and 1.5 year old boy and I don't feel that I'm done. Having a third would mean a lifestyle change - new cars (ie a van), some minor home renovation and a more hectic schedule. I remember (and still feel) the guilt associated with having to divide my attention, which will I assume only become more intense with more children. While I am healthy, I also fear that since I'm getting older, there may be a greater risk of pregnancy complications. My son was a very difficult pregnancy and it was a difficult, emotional time for both my husband and I - - everything turned out fine but it was very stressful. There is no right answer, but I know for me my husband will have to feel that it is right as well.

[Lila]

Having spent over 2 years and a few sessions in counselling trying to decide whether I want a third (I have two sons - 7 and 5) I still have a nagging feeling that I'm not yet `done'. The decision-making process has been traumatic and I can only advise anyone in a similar position to take the decision either way, stick with it, be at one with it and move on with their lives. Otherwise the process can impact on your relationship with your partner and prevent you from focussing on the children you already have. So, good luck to anyone stuck in the decision-making rut!

[Crystal]

I too am struggling with the idea of a 3rd baby. We have 2 girls ages 5 and 3 and I love them to pieces but I just dont feel "done". My husband has 4 uncles and 3 brothers and I cant help but feel that I want to give him a son and the male comraderie that I know he longs for but wont ever say. I had the mirena iud and have just taken it out a week or so ago. Husband was ok with me taking it out but neither of us will say whether we are going to go for it, im hoping at this point it will just happen for us. Financially daycare would be an issue and my girls would have to share a room which i really struggle with that because I feel my selfishness to want another baby makes them lose their independent rooms. I cant help this guilty feeling inside that I may be cheating my girls out of things we have all grown accustomed to but i also cant shake the feeling of wanting just one more. $ will be super tight and thats a large pill to swallow for us. Decisions......

[mary]

It's been more than a year that I first read this article and posts. And little by little I came to know that I really wanted a third one, I just didn't know when.

I always kept the idea of a 3rd child before having my kids, I wanted 4 for undiscovered reasons. Now, I have twins of 2 years old and I just found out that I was pregnant today (it was the first time I was really surprised with a pregnancy test), even if for the first time we were careful about it. It's like if there's a divine plan behind it, and I was the first to be a serious agnostic about it all, that chose the best moment for us. I wanted to have my children young for various reasons and I'll stick with that.

My life has made me known by various reasons that it's the way to go for us even though my pregnancies can be complicated. My career was stopped and wasn't flowing, I had dreams about another baby, but one the best tips I read is just : Do you feel your family is complete when you're all around the table and Will you have regret on your deathbed? I just felt that we weren't complete, even if all the material reasons can say otherwise and I know how 2 children can be easier for it, the spiritual ones said there was one missing. And I observed too that when we do things for the greatest good, we're being helped that way by the cosmos. But that's just my experience and thoughts!

Anyways, I firmly believe that we can create the good life we wish, we just have to make clear what our soul really wants (and not just listen to our ego).

You can follow us on my blog (happiness in our reality) in the next months. www.carpediemmagic.blogspot.com

I hope it helps you a little! I agree with the no abortion comments, if he/she is there, there might be a reason - my ob believes in that too. Good thinking to you all!

[Excited!]

My thoughts are this...you never ever really know the best choice to make. You just make your choice and it ALWAYS turns out to be perfect in your life. My husband and I have two kids a little girl 2 and a little boy 9 months. They are so precious and just love each other. I came from a family of three kids and one of my brothers and me hardly speak. Very interesting in-law dynamic!
Anyway, we are serious about having a third baby and it is all I can think about.
The family dynamic will shift and change but look at it this way. If you don't get a long with one sibling you at least have the other one. The moment of absolute certainty does not exist and the kids are older a lot longer than they are young.

[M. Donovan]

It's certainly good to know I am not the only one going through this ... I am 33, my boys are 6 and 4. My hubby isn't keen on a 3rd and yet says he would of coure love the child if it came to be. To add to the difficulty of the decision - we cannot fall pregnant naturally, but have 2 frozen embryos ready for implantation. I always said I wanted 3 children, but would wait to see how I handled 2 before making my final decision. Well the last year or so I feel I am up for the challenge of another one and that time is of the essence! I'm not sure whether I am being selfish, whether it's the 2 little potential children in 'limbo' that's making me feel this urge to have 3 or whether it really is meant to be. I have exactly the same concerns as many of you have expressed - disrupting equilibrium in the household, my boys being best friends, just getting our freedom back - time for individual children, husband and myself and having 2 healthy happy children already (touch wood) am I just being greedy? I just don't want to have any regrets ... Feels like the biggest decision I've ever had to make. Thanks for listening and for sharing your stories. Good Luck.

[April]

I do want to let Christy up there know. I have 3 children My oldest is 12 my middle child is 8 and my son is 2 1/2. My oldest Emily is in Middle school while my daugher Kaitlyn is in 2 grade. We had them 4 years apart well I realy did not think I can have 2 around the same age with out going crazy. Any way, I pretty much told both my girls that sister or sibling are Gods way of giving you a best friend for life. I made sure the they spend time together, they also share a room together so yes my oldest is 4 years older but they both get along like they are best friends. My girls always plays with my yongest Nathan who is 2 1/2. When Emily is washing the dishes he is right beside her to rinse, he love helping his big sister. Even thow my kids are 4 years apart they are all close. Wich my delema is my husband and I always wanted 4 kids. I grew up with 3 sibling and he with 2. My thought can we realy aford it. For the first time in our marrage we have money left over to put back for saving. If we add another baby are saving will go down. How much I dont know, mabey only $100 which we can do that. We dont need all the nessity like a car seat or a crib we have that. Its the next 3 more years of dipers and I nurse so formula wont matter. Clothing the baby and as they get older they get more expencive. My 12 year old her jeans cost just as much as mine now. She grow out of them so quick. Can we aford another baby? I just dont know. If we do decide to have the 4 one it will be the last one. Also will I regret not trying for the 4th one. I dont want regreats. My husband and I both agred on 4. I jsut dont know.

[Kristina]

I am definitely feeling that baby bug. I am 24 years old my husband and I have two beautiful children, 1.5 year old girl and 3 year old boy. I always find myself saying "Oh we're done" but as these words leave my mouth I have a pit in my stomach saying no you're not. I had an IUD put in a year ago, and now have stopped having my period. I always think I might be pregnant? I think this is why I constantly am thinking we should have one more. I feel that nag like we're really not done and we're so young we should have one more...or two. I come from a family of three as does my husband and I loved it. I was the middle child and never felt the "middle child" syndrome. I think it depends on your parents and how much effort they put into spending the time to make sure each child feels loved and cared for. I don't know what our decision will be, all I know is that if we decide to have more I know I would never regret it. Once that child is brought into the world, you'll never be able to imagine life without them.

[slstahl11]

To those of you who are contemplating abortion, please think of the life that you are ending. He/she is just a tiny baby and needs you to make the right decision. I do not think abortion should ever be the answer. God creates baby's for reasons... do not take abortion lightly. My husband and I are too trying to decide if a 3rd child is what we would like for our family. After reading what all of you ladies have to say... it sounds like if we are questioning it, we probably want another one. Thanks for the help!

[tara]

Hello! Well I am just reading through this comments now in tears (I don't know why, but I feel emotional about not having a third). My little girl is 4 years old(5 this year in October) and my little boy is 3 years old (4 in November) Yes, I did plan on having them that close together. A 13 month age gap was very tough to start with but is amazing now. But I suffered post natal depression after my second and can admit that I didn't really love him until he was over 8 months old. Which breaks my heart to think of that, as I love them both with all my heart now. The problem I feel I have at the moment is I have this nagging feeling about having another baby (well actually have since my son was 2 years old). I know it is a selfish reason but I really can't remember my son being a baby and he suffered from reflux and didn't sleep through until he was over 2 years old. I feel so guilty about the way I felt before too. I am just worried, that if I don't have another baby I wil regret this in the future. My husband worries about money etc for the future, and we do live in a small house - but hopefully will be able to build another house on my husband parents land in years to come, maybe?! I have days where I feel somedays are just so hectic and I really don't want another baby. But most of the time I do, eventhough there would be an age gap of over 5 years between the first and third... I just can't stop that feeling. I have talked to friends with 3 and friends with 2 and both say you just know when it's right and when your happy with your lot etc. I am happy with my beautiful children and life is good. we have nice things and holidays... But that feeling is deep in my heart for a third - I have names for a girl or a boy and can't help wishing that I would just fall pregnant or have my ovaries out, so I won't have this feeling anymore. Please could someone please help..... I just don't know what to do!!!

[Melissa]

I am pregnant with my second child. I have a little girl who's 2 1/2 and I'm going to have a boy. I'm the oldest of a family of three girls. My husband is the third of five boys. So already we're thinking...when should we have the third? But I keep going back to all the things that I'm not thinking about: middle child syndrome, two against one (or three, four, etc.), college tuition bills, cars, clothing, parents' sanity and health, etc. A new article from England came out which stated that two children offer the greatest balance of stress and reward. Also, parents of two children have the least amount of health problems and live the longest.

My sister and I are 18 months apart and we grew up together. We remember the same things, were treated the same, had the same friends, went to the same schools, and wore the same clothes. When the youngest sister came along 5 years later, she was in a totally different world. Since she was the baby my parents always went out of their way to accomodate her. My other sister and I have a difficult time relating to her and her friends. Vacations had to be taylored because she was in a different age group. My husband's family often took two different vacations separating the child (ok the older kids get to go on a ski trip and the younger ones are going to Disneyland). Doesn't that defeat the definitely of being a "family"?

I constantly see families with two children whose parents pay for their college education, buy them cars and take family trips as a unit. Usually families with 3 or more children do not get these luxuries. Friends of mine who are only children or only have one sibling seem happier to me and have an easier lifestyle due to the amount of parental emotional and financial support they receive. Although I am so amazed when I hear someone is from a very large family, I think about all the other things that they're lacking. That's why I think I'll stay with two.

[Heather]

I found this posting after searching google, "I'm having a hard time leaving my 3rd child in day care".
I am one of those women who also struggled with the decision of having a third child. I couldn't quiet the voice that was calling me to have that third one. We didn't actually plan the third, but she was not totally prevented either. All I can say is that I am thrilled to have my third child. I have a 4 yr. old and 3 yr. old boys, so life is very busy, but great. I was an only child, so I new that I wanted multiple children, but I started when I was a bit older (I am 39) and I had my career going, you all know...
Even when I became pregnant, I struggled with the thought of having another baby around. I wondered how the sleep deprivation would affect everyone, especially me. The bottom line is...you just do it, just like the other babies in your life.
The only draw back to having three, so far, is that I get less of "me time". My husband is not used to having all of them so I feel a little bad leaving all of them with him for a long time, but that will change too. We don't have any family support around us, so that is tough too, but, whenever I feel sorry for myself that I am doing this on my own, I think of my immigrant grandmother who came to this country at 16 and had 7 children without any help and a not-so-supportive husband.
So, now my dilemma is the struggle to return to work or not. I just love being around my baby girl too much!! How ironic is that???
Good luck with your decision. It's a tough one.

[Christy]

Wow! I am amazed that so many women are having the same thoughts. When my husband and I met, we thought 2 children was the perfect number. We have that..a boy, 7; and a girl, 4. We have a perfect house and perfect life, but the thought of a third child continues to nag at both of us. As one woman said, I wish it would just happen, then I would know it was meant to be by God. But, by having an IUD, chances of this are slim to none. My IUD will be changed in December 2011 when my son will be 8 and my daughter 5. Is this going to cause much separation between my children? My brother was six years older than me and I felt like I barely knew him. However, I often question was it because my parents did not force us to be a family, they allowed separation between the three of us children. If anyone has three children this far apart, please let me know how it all worked out. I feel as though all of us could shower him/her with love and joy, but then again our life is perfect now.

For those considering abortion, I hope you decided against it. This is God's way of saying you are meant to have another child. Even if you cannot afford it (or whatever the reason may be), allow a couple who cannot have children of their own to adopt it. The child would benefit from this decision!