Other people's children

By Amy R.

I've written before about how I think people, before they have kids, tend to be less tolerant of children's misbehavior. (Children that don't belong to them obviously.) I know that before I had Isabelle, I was the "child expert" in my head. "I will NEVER do that... or I will NEVER let my child act that way."

I was wrong. 

I've been more than willing to offer apologies in writing and verbally for ever, EVER thinking that I could do it better.

I remembered this recently when I saw my friend Jaime. We talk most every day online and share a lot, but don't see each other often. Jaime is pregnant, after trying for two years, and is soon to be experiencing something that can never be described to her... how to mother AS a mother, not just as someone who can give the child back. Why does this matter? 

I met Satan. And her name was Isabelle. For a 12-hour period, my daughter was Satan. We were staying at Jaime's (Isabelle has stayed here before with and without me numerous times) because the ride from Jaime's to my house is 1.5 hours and to my work it's only 45 minutes, so I decided, with gas prices they way that they are, I could just stay. Isabelle went down the first time, like the angel she normally is.

Then things changed.

She started screaming from her bed. I went in to find the fleece top she had on was too hot for her to sleep in, but from that second on, she would not go back to bed. She fussed and screamed 'til she puked (for the record, this is unlike her as she is the BEST sleeper I've ever encountered) and so I kept her up with me, putting her down a few more times to try it, but ending up going to bed with her so that she could get some rest. 

Jaime made comments a few times about Isabelle being restless. Being ultra sensitive, I took them to heart, as if I was a bad mother for not just putting her down and keeping her there. I kept trying to reassure myself secretly, that this was unlike Isabelle and that I just wasn't used to it. 

Once we went to bed, Isabelle was restless and kept me up most of the night, mostly with her night talking and her moving around. When the alarm went off at 5 a.m. things did not get better. She was loud; when I asked her to be quiet, she whined. She was a MONSTER. When she cries now, it isn't a sobbing, it's an outright scream. One in which the dead could hear her. 

Jaime, of course was sleeping, which put me even more on edge, knowing we were keeping her up. I finally got Isabelle packed into the car, with the eight billion things that I had brought and was on my way. I tried to make light of it in the morning, joking with Jaime online about how Isabelle was bad and how SORRY I was. She responded with a half-joking, but a "I'm really serious but don't want to be too much of a wench" response of, "Yeah, I would have beat her" (Which by the way, isn't to be taken literally, neither of us are big fans of the child beating thing.) And then to add misery onto it, she commented that she was glad her husband wasn't home -- REALLLLLY glad. 

Needless to say, I won't be staying there again overnight with Isabelle. I have to admit that I'm slightly hurt and even a little angry because I feel I have to defend my mothering skills AND my 2-year-old daughter's behavior to my best friend. I guess I can only secretly hope that her child is a complete monster sometime when it's not convenient for her so that I can sit back and smirk with the other mothers. 

Does that make ME Satan?

Amy R. is the twentysomething mother of Isabelle. She is a high school teacher who lives in Mexico, Maine and is trying to find the funny side of life as a newly divorced mom.

Comments

[Maria]

Isn't it frustrating how public our discipline can be and how we always feel that people are judging is - even if they aren't - because I for one am always questioning myself. Last year I spent 4 weeks of my ML visiting family and friends in the midwest while my husband stayed and worked. For a month I was a guest (less so at my parents) w/my 4 yr old, 2 yr old and infant. There were good days and not so good days. Hang in there. If your friend is PG she'll learn and no it doesn't make you satan. Does it make us satan when we watch another person's child be horrible and we feel a bit of relief that it's not just us and that it's not us today?

[amy h]

Man, have I been there! When my son was 3 1/2 I thought that I would have to find him a new home because I was obviously creating a future delinquent. He even told me he hated me! What did I have to look forward to in the teen years if he was telling me that at 3???? He also did this in front of a mom whose daughter was practically angelic. And I remember having the same thought...I just wish she had a taste to know what I'm going through.........it was just a matter of time. :)

[yvonne]

The hardest stress on a friendship is kids. You CANNOT control their behaviours. You can coach, mentor, teach and threaten but, in the end, it will be their decision on how they are going to act. Just understand, that is what kids do. She is not Satan. She will probably not be a criminal that keeps her victims awake all night. :-) Friendships take work and understanding - that is the sucky reality. Hang in there.

[Shelley]

I have been in your shoes!

When I didn't have children, I thought I could do it better too. I was the master of distraction with every kid I came in contact with. If the child was throwing a fit, I always could find some way to distract and get his/her mind off of whatever. Apparently I have lost this skill because I can't do it any more with my own flesh and blood.

Thanks for the story. I found myself laughing -- not at you, but because I could have written this.

[gina L]

PS- You are going through some family changes and that is not always a breeze. I went though a divorce when my son was close to her age. They do feel the stress coming from all directions. Staying at new place and feelings of being uneasy trying to control things you can't are sooooo normal.

[gina L]

I believe people completely change their prospective on kids once they become parents. It is so easy to form opinions when you are not emotionally involved in the responsibility. I noticed that you were a young teacher. It is wonderful that you have witnessed this while you are in your early years. I have encountered many teachers that were quite intolerant and impatient with children until they became parents themselves. Discipline at home and at school is the core to a child's world. By giving our LOVE, patience and understanding to children we are teaching those vultures. Pass it on…..

[Robin P]

Ahhhh,memories. When Lillianna was 1 1/2 yrs old,my sister-in-law,her husband and 2 kids stayed with us for a few weeks.
One night,after a day of many activities back to back added to the fact that it was like 100 degrees and my house only had air conditioning in our bedroom (big house+ high temp = really pissed off people!!,it was no wonder that at 8:30pm,Lillianna was a little on the cranky side.

The grownups were playing Scrabble and Lillianna wanted to pick out the tiles. My BIL went nuts. Lil cried. BIL said we needed to whack her good!

Realizing that my very sweet tempered 1 1/2 year old was clearly overstimulated and completely exhausted,I scooped her up and took her into my air conditioned room and rubbed her back while I told her a story as she sobbed hysterically.

I was stressed and exhausted as an adult. Triple that and then put it on a small child. That equals melt down!! Sometimes for both parent AND child.

Reading your post I felt YOUR stress!! Do you think Isabelle felt any of that from you? You betcha!

You are not a bad mom. She is not a bad child. No apologies are necessary. It was just one of those days. Lillianna is one day away from being 8. We STILL occasionally have melt downs when we are exhausted....BOTH of us!!

Give yourself a break. This will not be the last time this happens.
Sorry!!
I am sending you a big hug.I hope it helps. Hang in there.

[lex]

benefit of the doubt: have you considered how much you might be reacting to how you think your friend may be judging you, when in fact she might have just been making a few offhand remarks (because she didn't know what else to say)?

someone who doesn't have a kid might not go out of her way as an automatic response reassure the mom that no, the child's fussiness is not the mom's fault, but she might not necessarily in her mind be judging the mom as harshly as you might imagine either.