Shouts of anger, shouts of love

By Elizabeth L-B

Last month, I noted that my DotMoms posts are often about my inadequacies as a parent. Most of the time, I feel like I'm doing the best that I can. Last week, however, I blew it.

When I got home from work one evening, my husband, Tony, and I decided to walk to the grocery store with the boys. On the way home, Daniel announced that he was exercising. We had no problem with him running down the sidewalk -- if anything, I was happy that he was finally getting a move on. But then he stopped in the middle of the crosswalk and started to do jumping jacks. We shouted, and pulled at him, and got him out of the street and stood on the corner, looking at each other. "Daniel!" I shouted one more time, and his face crumpled and he started to cry.

As we walked the rest of the way home, Daniel insisted that we should apologize for yelling at him. Tony explained that while we were sorry that we scared him, we reserved the right to shout when he was doing something dangerous. As important as it is that he not be scared, it's even more important that we keep him safe. In the darkening evening, a driver could easily have not seen Daniel, and assumed it was safe to resume driving after the adults had crossed.

But that last yell of mine wasn't to move Daniel out of the street. He was already safe on the sidewalk when I shouted. It was a verbal slap. I wasn't sure he had registered the seriousness of the situation, wanted to make him pay attention. And I was angry and already frustrated at his dawdling. I have to admit Daniel's bursting into tears was exactly what a part of me -- a part of me that I'm not proud of -- wanted. 

I apologized for yelling, and we tried to explain why we were so upset. With any luck, we both learned a lesson. He learned (I hope) not to stop in the middle of the street. I learned (I hope) that it's precisely when I'm scared and full of adrenaline that I need to think twice about my tone of voice and what I'm trying to achieve. End of story, I thought.

But then this weekend I was driving Daniel home from a playdate, and he said, "Look at me." I looked, and he was pulling at the door handle next to his seat. "Don't do that!" I said sharply (but not shouting). "You know better. Never try to open a car door while it's moving." 

"But it won't do anything" he protested. "You have the child lock on." (Which was true.) 

"But I might have turned the child lock off. And you did that to get a reaction, or you wouldn't have told me to look. Don't do that."

"Please don't tell daddy," he asked, almost whispering. "I don't want him to be angry at me."

I don't think we've permanently traumatized the kid, but it clearly left an impact. He's testing us, trying to figure out what makes us that angry, whether we still love him.  And it's not easy on any of us. 

Any suggestions for how to talk about this with him? Good books for a 4-year-old that show that angry parents still love their kids?

Elizabeth L-B lives with her husband, a SAHD, and two sons in Alexandria, Va., and works for the federal government.

Comments

[Imperfect Mommy]

My almost four year old daughter is in the same stage right now. The total meltdown when someone corrects her, and then the need for apologies for making her sad. The standard comment now is, "But Mommy, I thought you loved me" uttered through a quivering lip. I think I have the title for the book. Now I need a publisher!

[Michele]

"No Matter What" by Debi Gliori is a perfect book for that sort of thing. The little one asks his mama all sorts of questions about whether or not she'd still love him in various situations.

I think that, as mamas, we're always walking a line between that tone of voice being harsh enough and not too harsh.

[Mike]

My mother gave me some advice that her mother gave her, which my wife and I try to use. I think what might have traumatized your little guy was that both parents were yelling at him. I agree that playing in the middle of the road is very serious and getting him safe is the highest priority and you don't have time to figure out who is going to say what. But in the future, if you can, try to give your child an emotional haven in one of the parents. I think for a child when both parents are angry their whole world comes crashing down around them. A little good cop bad cop, might be better. Not to manipulate him, but so that the point can get across, and he still feel loved and supported by the people in his life that mean the most to him.

[Gina]

I believe that kids' feelings matter, and I try to treat our children with respect as much as possible every day. I really see that there are fully valuable human souls in childrens' bodies. In my view, their feelings are no less important than those of an adult. That doesn't mean that they know what is best, but just that their souls are fully human. They have adult-sized emotions in kid-sized bodies. At all ages, they deserve and need love and kindness and respect.

I can see that you believe similar things in many ways. You want to be consistently loving toward your child. That is good.

That being said, I think that you are were absolutely right to speak sharply with your child in both cases you described. In each case, you were dealing with an important safety issue. You can't mess around with such things, and you would not be doing your child any favors if you did.

I once had a cat who seemed inordinately afraid of cars. In my childish desire to help this cat (I was still a teenage child at the time), I held and petted the cat and eventually taught her not to fear cars so much. However, the unfortunate end for that cat was being hit by a car. No kidding. So it is quite literally true that you do nobody any favors by sparing them from fear of things that they should fear for their own protection!

Don't be so hard on yourself. Just correct your child, sharply if necessary, and then give him/her lots of hugs and as much of an explanation as is needed when the immediate danger has passed and the lesson has been learned. You can even apologize if you think you were sharper than necessary -- but give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Your child needs to know what dangers to stay away from, and in no uncertain terms, and you're the most important teacher your child has. Discipline that proceeds from love and is not excessive or abusive is a gift to your child. A child without that discipline will face much unnecessary trouble in this world. So discipline your child when a lesson must be learned (in our house, a brief "time out" is usually sufficient, or sometimes just the threat of a time out.) Then follow the discipline with a hug and wipe away any tears, and make sure the child knows he/she is loved. That's all it takes.

In this life there will be pain along with the joy. You can't spare your child all of the pain, and if you try to do so you will be cheating them out of limits and guidance that they need. But you can make sure that your child never doubts that he or she is loved.

[Snoa]

Another good one:

When Mommny Was Mad by Lynne Jonnell

[Kimberly]

Oh, I live in this territory! Sabrina routinely insists on apologies for having hurt her feelings for reprimanding her. It makes me mental. And, to be honest, a little harsh sometimes.

And have I got books for you! (All purchased from Scholastic, of course!)

Mama do you Love Me? and Papa Do You Love Me by Barbara M. Joosse

Would You Love Me by Andrea Wayne von Konigslow

I Love to Cuddle by Carl Norac

I'll Always Be Your Friend by Sam McBratney

No, David! by David Shannon

The Story About Ping by Marjorie Flack

The Runaway Bunny by Margaret Wise Brown