A mother's need to protect

By Jenn

From the moment my doctor placed my son in my arms after 28 hours of labor, my first thought was Whew! The hard part is over! (Yes, now I do realize that the hard part was just beginning. Like I said, it was my first baby.) It was then that I felt the first stirrings of deep, primal feelings. Maternal feelings. Among them, that feeling of protection. I looked into that tiny, brand new face and knew that nothing would keep me from doing everything in my power to protect this little person. Nothing.

Last week a student threatened the life of my son. Explicitly. To a teacher and the assistant principal. It was direct. Forceful. And very serious. This child stood in the office of the school, looked at the assistant principal and emphatically announced that he hated my son and was going to kill him. It was not in a heated moment or during a temper tantrum. But calmly and directly.

The only reason I found out about the threat was because I was calling the school to talk to the principal about a physical confrontation with this boy that same day. I was calling to express my frustration at the entire classroom situation. It was then the principal told me that by law she was required to let me know a threat had been made on my son's life. I will let that moment sink in as you imagine those words being said to you about your child.

In all my years as a mother, I have never before felt that deep primal instinct to protect more strongly than I did at that moment. And following close behind was a fear unlike any I had known before. Deep, gut-wrenching fear. That fear was kept at bay by the intensity of my desire -- my need -- to protect my son.

My first instinct was to question this principal and find out exactly what she was going to do about the situation. The only answer I could get from the principal was that the school was doing all it could to protect all students. I insisted that they tell me if -- at the very least -- this student would be in the classroom the next day. She said she was unable to tell me anything due to laws governing the privacy of students. In order to protect the other student, no one could assure me that my son would be safe if I sent him to school.

Is this a case of privacy over protection? Have the schools become the last place in this world to realize that sometimes in order to protect the innocent, we need to loosen up some of the tight laws on privacy. If you have flown recently, you know you have to take off your shoes to get into the terminal. You can be subject to intense searches if something about you seems suspicious. Yet, a mother cannot find out if her son will be safe if he is sent to school. It makes no sense to me.

At the heart of this is not anger or frustration. It is not bitterness or revenge. It is fear. Fear for my son. I wish I lived in "Leave It To Beaver" land where all is well with the world, but today there are bigger worries than Eddie Haskell talking smack to the Beave. We live in a land that is post-Columbine. Post-9/11. You cannot tell a mother that she has to trust that her child will be safe when there is no evidence of that and no one can reassure her. 

When they first placed my son in my arms, I never thought I would be fighting to protect his life. Never imagined the fear that would keep me awake at night imagining every horror that could possibly happen to him. But you can be darn sure that I will move heaven and Earth to ensure that my baby will not be hurt.

It's deep and primal. It's a mother's instinct.

Jenn is a 36-year-old writer and mom who works from the Texas home she shares with her husband and three children.

Comments

[Kirsten]

Jenn,

I am sorry you are going through this. Schools these days are not the schools of my time. We decided three years ago to homeschool our children, because of stories we heard from other parents and on the news mixed with our disappointment of our oldest childs school.

I know you will be doing everything possible to protect your child. Never back down and be loud to be heard. A few crazy "parents" have stolen safety from our children by threatening lawsuits to schools for the discipline of their children that they don't want to parent, get help for, etc.

The "problem" kids have no fear and will continue to make our schools their own unless we stop them and their parents.

[Amy]

Wow. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I can't IMAGINE what I would do if this was Isabelle. Let me know if you need to vent!!

[Cori]

My heart goes out to you, Jenn. How does a mother react to that kind of news? And how sick is it that, after all these years of "civilization", we still have to work this hard to protect our children's lives? Please know that my thoughts are with you and your family.

[Cordaville]

How scary! I was picturing both my kids as I read this. Please keep us posted!

[Kari]

The tears have formed in my eyes.

How scary.

I just read an article in our paper stating that a local mom discovered that another student had pulled a gun on her son at school. But because of the privacy issue you state (and laziness,) she was not informed about it.

When she pressed the principal, she was informed that it had turned out to be "only" an air gun. She was given all kinds of cr*p about how they have to first deal with the situation at hand, and then later maybe tell the parents.

[cmhl]

that is horrible, Jenn. It made my heart race. update if you can on what is going on.

[clickmom]

I had to close my eyes half way through that post. I could feel my blood starting to boil. The reponse from your kid's school is reprehensible. I would have been down there in a flash screaming, cursing, and pounding the desks until I got some answers and some action.

Let us know what happened.

[cassie-b]

I am horrified. There's just nothing I can say that would express the anguish I feel for you and your family.

My prayers and best wishes are with you.
Cas

[barbex]

Good god, how do you deal with this?
And they only told you because you happend to call them? "Required by law"??? Not "This is something you have to know" ?? Without the law they would not have told you or what??

Did you send your son to school the next day? I don't know if I could do that in your situation even though I know that we can not keep our children home all the time to protect them.
I feel your fear right now.

[An Ordinary Joe]

"I am obligated by law to inform you..."

Right there starts the quotations I use when I go and speak to, the police, the school board, the other kids parents, parents at PTA meeting s and anybody else that will listen to me. And if they are not going to listen, they are going to HEAR me.

My child would never have a momment where (s)he would be alone, because every teacher, school administrator, and anybody else within reach of my child would fear having to be the one that was nearby when something happend to my child, knowing full well that they would have to deal with my wrath, and that a prison sentence would no longer be a deterrent to me at that point.

[Jo]

I agree with Meredith, what do they expect you to do? To be honest, this is one of the reasons I homeschool. The area we moved to is good but the school I am suppose to send my high schooler to isn't. They are very hush hush on the activity there yet they seem to have more police than any other campus I have ever seen patrolling the grounds. :(

I think it shows just how much you love your son when you ask questions and try to get answers. Unfortunately alot of parents would just ignore the situation and then ask "why?" once something happens. In this day and age being a mommy DOES mean that from the moment they are born it is our job to protect them from harm in all forms including ones that weren't there when we were kids.

I wish you luck and hope that the school system has enough sense to put your son's safety before their privacy act.

[Jules]

You know I never thought of the broad implications of the privacy rules. I operate a home daycare and whenever there is any kind of incident between 2 children, identities cannot be revealed and actions taken cannot either. For me this is all on the 12 month old to 4 year old level.

I would be infuriated and sick with fear in your position. I hope this situation is resolved quickly and peacefully.

[Meredith]

So what do they expect you to do? Send your son to school and cross your fingers? Don't they realize that they are liable for what happens in school? This is absolutely horrifying. I wish you strength and courage to deal with what is certainly an unbelievably stressful situation.

[carson]

Please let us know what happens! I know that kids can be vicious. If I were your son's mommy, he wouldn't be back in the school until a restraining order was in place and they were able to respect it. (Not trying to offer advice, just tellign you my reaction.)

[Michelle]

What a terrifying situation! You might consider contacting the police to find out what your rights are within the law (informational stuff). There may be things you can do (restraining order, etc.) that could protect your child. Hope you can get everything resolved!

[Christy]

Jenn
So sorry for your situation. After the same sort of struggle. I got the police involved still to no avail. After they assualted my daughter in the ladies room ripping off her blouse and pouring honey all over her, the school expelled HER for being involved in an altercation. Thus my daughter is now homeschooled. This didn't stop the violence, these kids came to our house. It is now 2 years later and we again live in peace.
The school system was never able to keep my child safe. Sorry for the bad news. We live in a nice town in a "good district" No rhyme or reason for the bitterness either. My daughter is small and shy. Is that a crime now?

[Cathy]

I too find your story horrifying. Do you mind if I ask what you decided to do? You have my sympathies.

[Robin P]

What a horrible situation. I hate when the guilty are protected. It doesn't seem right.
I was going to ask how old your son is but even if he is 5,a child could bring a gun to school if he chose to.

There really is no way to keep a child safe in school and that is the scariest reality of all.

I hope you have gotten the police involved. Go to all extreme measures.....whatever it takes to keep your child safe.
Good luck!

[chris]

That is so frightening. What do you do in that situation? I'd want to go to school with my child and follow him around all day. Obviously that isn't practical.

I wonder what the school is going to do to protect him, have they said anything about that?

[Tina]

I can't even imagine how you can write rationally about this incident. I think I would probably just yank my kid out of school, but then what? I remember when the worst thing that could happen to you at school was a little bullying. My boy is 2 and I am alarmed by your story.