No boys allowed...

By Charlene

I dropped Nolan off at preschool a few days ago and sat with him at a table of girls playing with Play-Doh. They were slightly older, already four and five years old.

When a girl entered the classroom, all the girls at the table would yell her name.
“It’s Morgan!” they’d shriek, and would all get up and hug her, talk about her fashion selection for the day (“I like your dress! Those are funny shoes.”) After, they would sit back down and begin molding the Play-Doh. Nolan just watched.

Finally, another little girl entered the room. “It’s Hannah!” they all yelled and a few of the girls started to rise from their chairs.

“No! No!” yelled one girl, “You can’t say hi to her. She’s MY friend and I have to say hi first!!!” she ordered the girls. Even so, everyone at the table, sans Nolan, got up and surrounded little Hannah, pulling her to her cubbie and whispering in her ear.

Then they all left the table. Nolan jumped up and ran over to the girls. He wanted to continue playing with them.

“No!” They yelled at him. “We don’t like you. You’re a BOY!”

He walked over to me, with his soulful little brown eyes, and asked, “Mom, why don’t they like boys?” It stung him and me. It’s no fun watching anyone be mean to your little guy.

I’ve written before about Nolan’s first crush, and how his lady love told him she didn’t like boys. He asked me then, “Why doesn’t she like boys?” I’ve started to use a line from a Thomas the Tank Engine book when one of the trains describes why Cranky the Crane is so touchy. “Cranes are airy fairy sort of things,” Gordon the Engine says.

And so I tell Nolan, “Sometimes girls are airy fairy things, Nolan. They say silly things about not liking boys but they really don’t know what that means.” But he persists with his questioning, most often at night before he falls asleep. He’ll tell me stories about the day and how certain girls won’t play with him. We talk about how he should play with his friends, not the girls that hurt his feelings.

But I hadn’t realized the impression these girls were having on him until one day when his dad came in the room and Nolan said, “No Dad, you can’t play here. I don’t like boys.” We asked Nolan why he didn’t like boys, rattling off all the names of his best friends and family members that were boys.

”I don’t like boys because the girls at school don’t like boys. They won’t let me play with them because I’m a boy. ”

Ahhhhh.

I had my fair share of being hurt by girl friends when I was Nolan’s age. And I’d always assumed that having sons, I wouldn’t have to deal with the mean-spirited games that girls can inflict on each other. I assumed he’d avoid it, at least until puberty. Boy was I dreaming. He’s only three,  but he’s very perceptive and he looooooves girls.

Please don’t accuse me of insinuating that boys are innocent and not mean-spirited. Don’t tell me, as one commenter did a few posts ago, that I’ll be “eating my words” when Nolan displays this type of behavior one day.

I have two older brothers and I’ve always had more male friends then female -– I’m very fluent in “boy.” But it’s a known fact: girls are indeed more socially complicated, though I wouldn’t say more mature, than boys. And now, I just have to figure out how to help Nolan navigate through the waters.

Any tips? How do I begin to explain to my nearly 4-year-old son why girls can be so, er, complicated?

Charlene lives in California's Bay Area with her husband and two children.

Comments

[Raquita]

Man that is SO not age appropraite, eveyone should read about Relational Aggression check out this group and this site - this issue touches so close to my heart! http://www.opheliaproject.org/main/resources_print_ra.htm

www.opheliaproject.org

[Island Jen]

That breaks my little heart, partially because i can see my own gentle little boy (also named Nolan) in the same situation. He is surrounded by girls, having an older sister so one day this could be a problem for him too.
When i noticed some older girls being catty to my daughter i confronted them and told them not to be mean to her since she was younger and only wanted to play with them because she thought they were 'cool'. It wasn't necessary to be mean, just tell her 'no thankyou'.
Well, They 'mothered' her around the park for the rest of the day...
sometimes i'm such a medling(sp?) mom.

[zimmer]

No advice here.. I do know what you mean though. As a mom of three year old boy/girl twins, I see how different boys and girls are on almost every level. My son and your son should get together and play.. no one would tell them "No boys, we don't like boys!"

[Maria]

No tips - but I've definitely noticed how mean and catty girls can be at my sons' day care. I was talking to our director about it and she told me it's "age appropriate" - sigh. It didn't seem to bother my oldest so much and nothing like that phases #2 son. But, now I have an almost 18 mos old daughter - so tell me - how do I keep her sugar and spice and everything nice (actually, she's not quite sure she's a girl - she prefers her brothers toys to the few dolls that have filtered in...)

Hang in there.

[amy]

It is extremely hard at any level to break those barriers of cliques, groups, etc. As a high school teacher, I face this day in and day out. Teaching our children young about the goodness of loving everyone is underrated.

Great post!! I enjoyed reading it

[elise]

I would ask the preschool teacher to help you with it, I think she should step in and at least get the girls to be a bit nicer. This is a time in their life that they are learning how to treat people, they are learning to treat boys poorly because they are different than them, not a very good message. I'm not sure that you will get much help though because people do accept that kind of thing between boys and girls but I can see how kids could easily transfer it into not playing with others for other reasons. I'm sure people would see me as over reacting, but its the start of discrimination. Good luck.