Opportunities to fail

By Meredith

I’m starting to take it personally -- the fact that whenever something doesn’t go exactly as planned at any of my kids’ schools it must be my fault:

1. My first-grader doesn’t thoroughly check his backpack for his daily snack. I get a note home from the teacher urging me to remember to pack it. (It was addressed, “Dear Mommy.”)
2. The same first-grader’s class photos don’t arrive with the rest of his class' and the teacher informs him that, “Your mother must not have paid for it.” (The photographers lost the photos AND cashed my check.)
3. My preschooler has a Halloween party in school. The party followed a costume parade, which I attended with other parents because it was specifically mentioned in some paperwork sent home. I thought the Halloween party was like any other in-class party, just for the students. Only I later found out that every mother except me and one other (we’re both new to the school) was in attendance. My son -- after lamenting the fact that I wasn’t there when “all the other mommies were” -- later told me that he’d forgiven me for my transgression. (I was never told by the school that it was a parents-kids party and that parents were expected to attend.)

Several questions logically follow.

Why is it that, regardless of a mom’s working status (I work from home), mistakes are always, as far as the schools are concerned, Mom’s fault?

Why is it that there’s an assumption that if you’re an at-home parent you have nothing planned for your day and that you're available at any hour to offer unpaid volunteer work in the schools? (I volunteer when I can.)

Why is it that no matter how hard you try to remember everything –- the permission slips, the lunch money, the napkins for lunch, the completed homework assignments, the school library books, the “donations” to the school (everything from food to supplies), the sneakers on gym day, the change of clothes for the preschooler, the signed parent-teacher conference appointment slips –- your efforts go largely unnoticed?

But you slip up and forget one thing, like putting the school library book in one of your three children's backpacks, and you’re instantaneously given a notice of wrongdoing in writing? If your child forgets something, that, my friend, is your fault, you being the mother. (Fathers, for some reason, get to skate on these matters.)

I’m just growing a wee bit fatigued by the sheer volume of opportunities that I have to “fail” my children, at least in the eyes of the kids and the teachers.

I’m willing to take ownership of my multitude of flaws. The crusty dishes in the sink? The piles of dirty laundry? The near empty fridge? The fact that I had to be late for a writing deadline recently because I was overwhelmed with a whole host of responsibilities? My bad.

The fact that my son can’t look through his backpack and find his graham crackers? Not.

Meredith O'Brien is a journalist who lives with her family in the Boston area.

Comments

[Beth]

Egads. Any chance that you could send this very essay to the school office? Maybe they need to reconsider the way they do things. All that negativity can wear a person down.

[Katie]

I'm so with you on this one. I hate it when I get the call from school because one of the kids forgot to put their homework in their backpack and it's my fault. At what point are the schools going to allow the kids to have personal responsibility?

[Chuck]

My best ones are where the school calls 20 minutes before the bus is supposed to pick them up to go home and says they are sick can we come get him.
After I explain he is 1 child of 6 and I would have to wake up the napping 3 dipaer and then load them into the car and then drive to the school he would have been home for 10 minutes if he took the bus.

That and when somone from the school calls and says this is so and so from the school department. And gets confused when I ask which school since we have kids in 3 different ones.

[Jennifer]

I could have written this! Glad to hear I'm not the only one. It gets old feeling like you're doing everything for these little people but only having the mistakes pointed out to you over and over.

[Jennifer]

I could have written this! Glad to hear I'm not the only one. It gets old feeling like you're doing everything for these little people but only having the mistakes pointed out to you over and over.

[Jennifer]

I could have written this! Glad to hear I'm not the only one. It gets old feeling like you're doing everything for these little people but only having the mistakes pointed out to you over and over.

[Amanda]

My husband and I call them "nasty-grams." We both work full-time, and I empathize with everyone - it is impossible to remember everything. We recently decided to switch day care centers because of the sheer volume of paper work required every day - 1/2 page report every morning on how my daughter's night and morning went plus verbal communication to the morning nursery worker (she would of course forget to tell the regular nursery worker, who would call me at work to ask about everything that I had written down). If you missed anything - nasty-gram. If you forgot anything - nasty gram. It was too much.

[Maria]

Oh boy - you have described my life lately. Our adjustment to my oldest being in kindergarten has been an adjustment and my husband traveling these last few weeks has added more to my balancing act.

I have to really bite my tongue sometimes not to say to my now 6 yr old son - It's YOUR responsibility to remember your backpack. I mean -well - it is - but he is only 6. So for the moment I often share the blame with him - we both need to remember...

But yeah - your Dad put your lunch $ in a different pocket of your backpack and it's MY fault you couldn't find it?

Sorry - you struck a nerve;) Thanks!

[Meredith]

Imperfect Mommy, you may be onto something. A mommy -- or, to be politically correct -- a parent- to-school information program/system could be ideal. Something that reminds families of everything that's due, homework assignments, PTO slips, etc. that's related to a child's (children's) school (password protected of course so no lunatics could hack in). Could even be coordinated with a school web site . . .

[Tina]

That scenario is pretty much like what I remember working in an office to be like! Which is just one reason why I don't do that anymore. I thought I'd left that all behind, but now I have that to look forward to in a few years when my kid starts to school?? Eeek.

[Imperfect Mommy]

This is so right on... thanks!

I am now looking at a whole pile of school-related things-- catalogs of products to buy for fundraisers, tickets to a puppet show I must sell, a calendar for lunch volunteer duties (I too work from home and find that they think I can come anytime also), forms for keepsake memory gifts they are going to make... you name it.

I am starting to think I could make a fortune with mommy information systems and software.