Weighty thoughts for my daughter

By Chris

Does anyone else think that it is incredibly hypocritical that the media has vilified Lindsay Lohan for being too skinny, then expressed relief that she admits to having an eating disorder in a magazine article... all while simultaneously having pictures of her half naked and in her underwear on the pages of the magazine? What is the message that is being sent to us as women, and what about our daughters?

I am 36 years old and I still feel an incredible self-loathing about how I look. It hasn't lessened over time, though the power that it holds over me is less severe now. I can't go for days without eating any longer, though that makes me feel like a failure rather than feel like I have overcome the negative self-talk. It is difficult to talk or write about, because people who are truly overweight don't get it. They laugh and roll their eyes and think that you are just being overly dramatic about what they perceive as a pound or two that you want to lose.

This past weekend, I walked into a store and picked up clothes that fit me. A size 2. But I felt sick to my stomach holding the skirt. I felt like the sales people in the store were all looking at me, snickering to themselves, about how someone who is my size shouldn't be wearing that particular item of clothing.

I put the skirt back on the rack and wondered why can't I be a size 0 like I used to be. A zero. A nothing. On the verge of disappearing. I think that is what people who don't have a distorted body image don't understand. Those of us who do have it, well, we secretly wish to disappear, to not be noticed.

I don't notice the weight of anyone else. I think all my friends look perfectly fine at the weight they are, though many say they want to lose 10, 20, even 30 pounds or more. Yet when I look in the mirror I see myself as twice as big as all of them put together. I had a friend once threaten to push me down on the ground and draw an outline around my body so I could see how much space I actually took up. It seemed sadly appropriate at the time to have a chalk outline of my body on the ground.

The only times in my life that I felt comfortable with my body were when I was pregnant. I felt the freedom to eat. It was OK to gain weight and have a plumper body. With my last pregnancy, though, I began to realize that the clothing manufacturers were doing to maternity clothes what had previously been reserved for regular clothing. The styles were form fitting, belly baring. They were things that really only look good on a tall skinny person with a small pillow under her shirt. I was left feeling that nothing is sacred.

And now I have a daughter. One beautiful, smart, strong daughter in a house filled with sons. I watch her twirling around and dancing, full of life and love. My hope for her beyond all else is that she loves herself enough. I hope that she is able to shrug off the distorted images in the media. I want her to think of her body as the outer packaging of herself and not allow it to be a defining term of her self-worth.

I suppose this says as much about me and my place of privilege in the world that I don't worry about my daughter enduring a famine, being killed in a war zone, or being abused in some way. It is a luxury to worry about self-esteem and self-image while mothers in different places in the world can only worry about keeping their daughters alive. A luxury, how is that for the proverbial slap in the face? Women who are just trying to eek out an existence for their family don't have the time to worry about whether their ankles are too thick, their butt too large, or their teeth too yellow.

And so it is for my daughter that I try to love myself. It is for her that I try to project a healthy attitude about my body. It is for her that I try to focus on what my body can do, its strength, to embrace it, flaws and all, and yes, even to appreciate its beauty. For 35 years I was not able to do this for myself, but my love for my daughter is so much greater than my love for myself. For her I can do anything.

Chris is a writer, artist, wife and the mother of seven children. She lives in an historic old house in New England that is perpetually under renovations. 

Comments

[bob]

Good Day, My daughter has put on the freshman 15 in her 1st yr of college. How can I tackfully tell her to lose these extra pounds? Thank you,
bob in texas

[enigma]

In my opinion every woman has problem with kilos, but one pays attention to it,other not.I agree with you,the only way to hide your figure is wearing maternity clothing and may be pregnancy is the best time for women who eat a lot.

[R]

You organized my fears and doubts into eloquent words. At 30 years old I wish I could say I've figured it out and it's all behind me now. But I can't. I'm never not petrified for the emotional health of my daughter and I'm never not secretly hating/abusing myself. The smile I wear makes my family stop worrying so I can loathe myself in peace. I want to scoop my child up and hide her away until she's grown and her self image is secure and sense of worth intact.

[Dan]

To help with creating a better image for our daughters and making it known - see Dad & Daughters website for inspiration, encouragement and direction!

http://www.dadsanddaughters.org/

Helping my daughter have a better self image and giving her confidence from spending time with her have made a huge impact and I am very thankful!

[GraceD]

"Friendofmom", that didn't fly.

Simply put, you don't understand the act of testimony, of coming forth with one's difficult truth. Instead, you appointed yourself as the so-called rescuer whose glorious mission was "to urge Chris to get the therapy and/or drugs to cure herself of her body dysmorphic disorder" and "to encourage her toward action and change beyond admission."

Please. I've heard that one before, many times over, from people who "wanted to help."

Want to help?

Then back off from using loaded words like "hypocrisy".

Watch your snark in snippy remarks like "I really hope that you are kidding when you say you are self conscious about wearing a size 2. Your daughter might be -- gasp! --a size 8, you know."

Check in your arrogance before you enter this sacred place, DotMoms, where mothers come to share and be real.

Finally, don't be a troll.

Chris? We got your back.

[friendofmom]

Hi GraceD -- thanks for your comments. I do indeed have a heart, and had a mom who suffered from alcoholism and manic depression. Unfortunately I am well versed with mental illness. The point of my post was to urge Chris to get the therapy and/or drugs to cure herself of her body dysmorphic disorder. While it is noble and brave to admit your problems in a blog, without effective action, it doesn't do daughters any favors. Moms need to learn to truly model healthy body images to their daughters, not just project them. I am not judging Chris. But I do want to encourage her toward action and change beyond admission.

[GraceD]

Chris, bravo to you for the well crafted, earnest and unflinching testimony of your struggle. I admire your willingness to come forward and share what likely feels extremely uncomfortable and shaming to admit. All of us who strive to be as sincere and clear in our writings owe you deep respect and admiration. All of us who battle our inner demons as you do must reach out in solidarity and sisterhood.

And this is why I must challenge commenter #6, "friendofmom", in her choice of damning language:

"My point is that we all have to 'grow up' about our sizes...She will sense your...hypocrisy..."

Further, this commenter tried to cut you some slack in writing that this "hyprocrisy" may not be "maliciously meant."

These are aggressive words, not unlike the cruel remarks I have received from supposed well meaning people who wanted to 'help' me during my bouts with depression with downright mean remarks like:

"You've always been such a drama queen."

"Why don't you just snap out of it?"

"Get over yourself."

Now, how am I to respond to all of that? Spring up and say, "Hey! You're right! Your bullying has cured my blues!" ?

Right.

Depression and body dysmorphic disorder are complex conditions requiring appropriate therapy and, often, medication. Individuals with such conditions also require unconditional support from people who are willing to listen without wanting to fix.

Finally, when someone brave and noble like Chris stands and delivers a soul baring admission, our duty is to bear witness, not pass judgement.

I hope you can find the spirit of solidarity and honor in your heart, "friendofmom". If you can't, I urge you to go look for your heart.

[BusyHSmom]

To "friendofmom": I think that what you don't understand is this...people who struggle with this do NOT look at others and think "BoY! She must be a size 6. Isn't she getting big!" Other people, both large and small, look just fine to them. It is their OWN body image that they struggle with. I once told my friend that she was as thin as my 13-year-old daughter (who is a tall, thin, size 2). For the life of her, she would not believe me. She really could not see it. When she looks in the mirror, she just sees fat, fat, fat. However, she looks at me (a much curvier gal than she) and will truly think that I look great! I don't think that Chris will ever look at her daughter and judge her by her weight. The concern (I believe) is that she overcomes her struggle with this issue so that her daughter will not emulate it. Also, that we, as a society do not continue to promote the idea that our value and worth are to be found in how we look. I hope that this might help some who don't get it.

[Christine]

I am a woman and a mother who has struggled with weight issues all my life and can relate to what you wrote. However, one thing in the article really stuck out in my mind - form-fitting maternity clothes. While I was pregnant, 2 years ago, all I read were articles on celebrities showing off their pregnant bellies and about gaining too much weight during pregnancy. Are unattainable standards of beauty seeping into the maternity arena? This is one fashion trend that I resent.

[Andrea]

As someone who's made the journey from size 12 to 22 a few times, and been overweight nearly all of my life, I appreciate your writing this. My self esteem and fitness level have always been independently variable from my dress size, which seems illogical. Yet I have come to realize from posts like yours that yes, even a size 2 can feel bad about her body; it's not just me. It is so sad that these feelings are so common, and yet I take some strength from knowing you're there, too.

[coronita]

This is such a relevant post! Thank you.

[Maria]

Funny - I have these thoughts a lot too. I'm not officially over weight, but 3 kids in 5 years has taken me from a size 4 petite (a temporary condition when I had time to work out and the desire) to a size 12 that I'm not at all happy with. Now that I have a daughter I work very hard to serve healthy meals, be active w/my kids and keep my size issues to myself. I don't want her to be as worried about her weight as I am.

[friendofmom]

Reading the comments has been very interesting. I do, in fact, get it: I am a size 12 mom who had a size 20 mom and now have a size 8 daughter. My point is that we all have to "grow up" about our sizes -- if you stress to your daughter that a healthy and strong body is what is important, not its size, you are passing along the right message. But you can't do it just for your daughter, because she will know that she don't really believe it. She will sense your disgust at those size 2 clothes and your hypocrisy, however genuinely felt and not maliciously meant, will confuse her. Don't do it for your daughter, Chris -- do it for you, and she will truly understand the message.

[Michelle]

Just wanted to chime in to say that I've been there. Now I have a daughter, too, and I think about this stuff a lot.

[~Lizzie~]

Amen!

[Elizabeth]

Being a *truly* overweight person, I DO get it.

I have been fit/thin/shapely/portly and now obese - and the negative feelings have NEVER changed with my size. To teach and have girls grow-up (and boys/men) w. less (no)focus on body/weight would be a dream come true. Our health; physical AND mental, and emotional is THEE most important. TO accept that a size 2 woman feels the same mental anguish as an obese woman would be a beginning (friendofmom).

Thank you for writing this, Chris!

[Lana]

Great post, Chris. I doubt that there are few of us 'priviledged' women who haven't at least once felt lousy for not measuring up to the distorted media images. While it may be impossible to fully protect your daughter from the onslaught, your post shows that you're at least helping her to build the essential weapon to fend it off: a solid foundation of self-esteem.

[LauriJon]

Chris, what a courageous post. And yes, loving yourself is the best thing you can do for your daughter! She'll love you for it too! Thanks for being so honest and know that we all love you.

[Tina]

The best thing you can do for your daughter is to not care enough about Lindsey Lohan to know what size she is or Paris Hilton or (insert any Hollywood name). I did the anorexia thing as a young girl and when I recovered I opted out and haven't looked back. I simply don't buy those magazines that airbrush their cover girls and celebrate unhealthy body image. It's all a big lie.

[keira]

wonderful, honest post! sadly, i get it too.

[Jess]

Good for you, Chris. I would have said that every woman out there can identify with this post, but then I read that oblivious comment by friendofmom. Let's leave it at 99%, then.

I applaud you for setting a good example for your daughter. As a size-12 college student with a size-6 mom and size-4 sister, I know how it feels. I have never been truly overweight and have always been healthy, but I'm also naturally bigger and stronger than the other women in my family, with my larger breasts, broader shoulders, and thicker thighs, which means I saw myself as 'fat' for a very long time. I was finally able to put aside (most of) my doubts about my body when I got into athletics. I cross my fingers that when I have kids one day, that they'll enjoy sports too. I really think it helps promote a positive self-image, physical and otherwise. I still avoid wearing two-piece bathing suits, but I'm far less body-conscious than I was as a teenager.

Again, kudos for bringing up such a difficult topic, and for looking it in the face and staring it down every day. You go, girl!

[Melora]

This is something I also think about. I've been a size 2, although for me that was a skinny, happy size, and now my clothes are size 6 to (gasp) 12, depending on the brand. My clothing size no longer defines me, but I remember with frightening clarity the years consumed by obsession with food, when a "good day" was a day in which I had eaten very little food. You are so right about how lucky we are to be raising our children in a relatively safe environment, and, still, I also worry about my beautiful, self-confident daughter, and pray that, somehow, she will keep her appearance in proper perspective and be happy with herself.
Cordially,
Melora

[HolyMama!]

thank you for this. i'm there, all of it, right now.

[HolyMama!]

thank you for this. i'm there, all of it, right now.

[Sarah]

Chris, excellent post.
Thank you for your honesty...and I GET IT! It is so hard to put into words and you have done a great job...I see that my unhealthy attitude about my own body is inherited from my mother and I am trying so hard to instill something better, healthier, happier in my daughter, too...