Back in the family bed

By Amy M.

We are "enjoying" a family bed again. I have written several times over the past 18 months about where Alex sleeps. DotMoms readers shared in our triumph when we successfully switched Alex to a "big boy bed" and commiserated when I shared how he insisted I lie down with him in order for him to fall asleep. I still must lie down with him -- but now it's in MY bed. All he wants to do on his own bed is jump.

On the one hand, I feel like this is a phase that will eventually pass. On the other, I feel like the longer I let this go on, the harder it will be to break him of the habit. Fortunately we have a king-size bed, because sleeping with Alex means we also sleep with a menagerie of stuffed animals, assorted favorite blankets, and occasionally even a toy car or other small -- and often hard! -- toy to which he is attached.

Alex can be an intense child. He is adamant about his likes and dislikes, his fun and his fears. His expressive little face just falls if we tell him he has to start sleeping in his own bed. Sure, we could try a preschooler's version of "crying it out." But we value our own sleep too much to put up with that at 9 p.m., especially when we know he'll willingly go to sleep in our bed.

I'm not asking for advice here -- if I have not already heard it all, I've heard enough of it -- although some more commiseration would be nice. I know I'm not the only one in this situation. Sure, it can be annoying having to share my bed with Alex's family of stuffed animals (at least they’re soft!), but sharing with Alex means I get extra snuggle time with my boy. And that's something I'm not going to complain about.

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

Comments

[Kirt The Kids Beds Expert]

Here, I've enjoyed reading all the comments and trying to find out expected answers. So far the kids having in bed is concerned I see nothing wrong with having kids in my bed. My two children always share their bed. We never put them alone in their bed forcibly.

[T.]

Ok, I've enjoyed reading all the comments here, I guess I am trying to find out answers. I've been separated for 6 years now when my ex took our son 1800 klms away. My son is now 8 years old and I recently found out that, despite having to promise his mommy not to let anyone know, he shares the same bed as her. Which includes the same bedtime as well as dresser and closet. I was also quite surprised to find out that they also get ready for bed together. Now I'm a pretty open minded guy, but this situation is starting to raise concerns in my mind. Can anyone tell me this is healthy and won't have negative reprocutions on our son later on down the road?

[adelle M.]

Just found this site. I was looking for some input regarding HOW LONG do people keep their kids in bed with them. I am a single mom, I homeschool my 6.5yr old boy and my 4.5yr old girl. We are together all day. We also share a California King size bed. They have a set of bunk beds to move to when they want to but neither wants to yet, we are all happy and healthy. The problem is that everybody is telling me the bay (6.5) is too old to share a bed with the girls. Anybody know of any research to refute this fact? Or do the supporters of cosleeping agree?
Adelle M.

[Susie]

It's been refreshing and reassuring to read all the passages on this topic. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and I had mixed feelings about letting him sleep with us, too. He LOVED his crib, slept fine there. When we transitioned him to the 'big boy' bed, he didn't like it. He can voice to me now that he feels safe and cozy between his mommy and daddy. I truly believe if you are married and both you and your spouse are comfortable with a family bed, all is well. Too often, marriages that are fragile or on the brink suffer with the family bed -- the child becomes this symbolic thing that comes between husband and wife ultimately pushing the couple further and further away both physically and emotionally. I also think if your child isn't resting well, something else needs to be done or you have crabby little ones on your hands. We love having the three of us together + a small dog + the stuffed animals and blankets, too! If the relationships in your life are happy and stable, I see nothing wrong with having kids in your bed. They grow up WAY TOO FAST - enjoy the time and snuggles now. Do, however, invest in a king size bed!!

[Suzanne]

I feel your pain. And I'm also here to tell you there's a light -- and some mattress space -- at the end of the tunnel.

My daughter never slept in a crib. Not that we didn't try, but she would only sleep with us. So she did, and when her brother was born, we moved her to a mattress on the floor of her room, where I would have to lie down with her for her to fall asleep.

Long story short, mine are now 8 and 5, and sleeping quite well in bunk beds in their bedroom, thank you very much. And I cherish those snuggle times. :-)

[karrie]

Not sure what happened, but I have an 18 month-old non-snuggler, not a 4 week old. At one month he would only sleep on my chest.....

[karrie]

Hey, if you all enjoy it, more power to you. If my own 1 month old son was a snuggler, we might still be co-sleeping, at least for part of the night. (Around one he turned into a kicking, punching, pinching, masochistic dentist who fell out of the bed too many times to count. And I was so done with sleeping on one side, all scrunched up trying to hold on to him and fend off his flailing limbs.)

I do miss the warm coziness of co-sleeping when he was an infant. However it feels so good to sleep with 600 pillows and stretch out my 6ft frame in all directions on our king-sized bed. Now if only my husband would stop farting and groping my breasts while I sleep, I'd be all set. :)

[Sarah]

We have co-slept, in one arrangement or another since L was born 21 months ago. These days she is in her own bed in her own room...and I am in there most of the time, too! After she falls asleep I usually have about four hours before she calls for me and I just climb into bed with her and all of us sleep soundly and (fairly) well the rest of the night. I decided a while ago that getting the majority of family members the most sleep each night was a priority, not getting L to sleep independently...it works for us right now although I may be working on spending less time at night with her in the coming months. So glad you are doing what works for you and your family and that you are talking about something so many people don't like to talk about!

[amy h.]

My 4.5 yr old and my 19 month old both still sleep with us (we are lucky to have a king-sized bed as well). I feel uncomfortable sharing that information with others (mom and non-mom alike) because I know there will be the inevitable pause in the conversation as the person I'm telling reflects on that statement. I may be uncomfortable with the judgement from others but (usually) I'm not uncomfortable with the co-sleeping arrangement. Like others who have commented, it wasn't what we planned but it (usually) works out pretty well for us. My *usually* indicates my ambivalence at not having my husband to myself much of the time, but we all sleep "snug as bugs in a rug" as my mom used to say. Sleep well!

[Jo]

All three of my children at some point in their lives have coslept. My three year old has slept with us since birth and he doesn't look like he's ready to leave anytime soon. Personally, I love having there to snuggle with and we have his "big boy" bed set up if he ever decides he wants to sleep on his own.

I agree with another commenter, people make too big of a deal about it here. YOU are his mother and you know what he needs most so just follow your heart. When it comes to our children the heart is never wrong. ;)

[Kim]

You know, you will get lots of comments, and lots of advice. None of it matters. The only thing that matters is what works for you, for Alex, for your family. What I hear in your writing is that it's working. Life is short - enjoy your little boy.

[Pamalamadingdong]

on the one I think..oy not another night with you the wiggly 3 yr old in my bed with your feet on my throat but then on the other hand I look at my older boy (10) and remember that he hasn't slept with us since my belly got TOO big with the 3 yr old for him to fit anymore. :(
I say cherish it while you can cause soon, he will totally be grossed out by you.

[Sarah]

People all over the rest of the world practice co-sleeping and their kids turn out just fine. I don't know why it's such a big deal here in the US, but I do commiserate with you.

Be proud of yourself, though. You're making choices that are in the best interests of your family - which is always good for your kids. Good luck (and watch out for sharp toys)!

[Bethany]

Yeah, been there. Still there. The whole you-are-a-bad-mom for letting them sleep with you, and don't you know that this is a skill they MUST learn thing?

IGNORE IT. There are bigger things to worry about--are you happy? Is your child? Then, guess what? You are doing just fine. :-)

And those extra snuggles-- really, what would we do without them?

[Kimberly]

Both Sabrina and Regan sleep in my bed. They're now 7 and 2.

I never really planned for it to be this way either, but like you, I valued my sleep too much to fight Sabrina tooth and nail when she decided mommy's bed was the place to be. At this point, we're so entrenched in co-cleeping that "my" bed is the only bed in the house.

I'm sure that at some point, and possibly soon, Sabrina will decide that she want to sleep in her own bed. When that day comes I think I'll be ambivalent--a little sad to lose my snuggles, but thrilled to get some space back.

[Lari]

My 2.4 year old daughter sleeps with me and I treasure it. I never planned for it to be this way, but as a working mom, it allowed the whole family to get more and better sleep.

I struggled with it for a long time, none of my friends do it and they always made me feel like it was a bad thing to do. Even my mom would harp on me about it.

Sure, I worry about getting her in her own bed one day, I have #2 on the way in 2 months, but I've decided not to stress about it, instead to embrace it and enjoy these last two months I have alone with her before the new baby invades my nighttime snuggling.