Too much of a good thing?

By Leslie

My first boyfriend in college once told me that his family didn’t believe in saying "I love you" all the time -- if you said it too much, he maintained, it would become habit and lose its significance. You were only supposed to say it at special occasions and during romantic moments. At the time, I was convinced he had told me this just so he didn’t have to profess his love for me when his football buddies were in the room. But recently, while my son and I were snuggled in our comfy chair reading "The Big Hungry Bear" for the umpteenth time, I started thinking about what this boyfriend had said.

You see, I have a problem. It’s an addiction, really. I try to stop, but I cannot help myself. I don’t mean to kiss James on the head after every page and tell him how much I love him. But it is impossible for me to resist. I swear. I’ve tried! He’s just so cute and cuddly, especially all nestled in my lap wearing his puppy-footed pajamas. And it’s important that he knows how much his Mama loves him, right? Aren’t there some studies or something that can back me up here, folks?

My affection towards my son is just so innate and unforced that I am saddened by stories from people whose parents never told them they loved them. How can you not say those three little words to your kids every day (or in my case, every hour of the day)? Am I throwing the phrase about in misuse? Maybe it’s just a change in our society that has enabled parents to loosen up some and share their emotions? Or perhaps my compulsion is because of how I was raised -- my mother told us constantly how much she loved us, that we were her shining stars and that we were the best thing that ever happened to her. I grew up feeling safe, loved and confident that I was a good person. Heck, my mom was a good person and she loved me. What more evidence did I need?

All I know is that it feels natural and right to tell James how important he is to me. I sure hope that my telling him so doesn’t diminish it or make it any less special for him. Cause honestly, I don’t think I could go cold turkey. I even tell our dogs that I love them every day when I leave the house. Sick, yes, I know!

At this age (2), James puts up with my "problem" happily, but I am sure in a few years he’ll come to hate my incessant affection and choruses of "I love you's." So I figure I’ll take all the snuggles and smooches that I can get now, before those dreadful tween years set in and he’d rather everyone believe he was raised by a pack of wolves than admit he has parents like everyone else. Oh, the horror!

So was my college boyfriend right? Can you tell someone you love them too much?

Leslie lives in northern Virginia with her husband and 2-year-old son.

Comments

[M.J.]

I think it's wonderful to share love. My husband is not as liberal with the ILYs, and I can see that his parents didn't say it as much as my parents did during our childhoods. I tell my son ILY daily. I ache from my hair to my toes with love for him. Most importantly, I think, is that he feels love, safety and security from both of his parents.

[Robin P]

I've read articles that say this behavior can give kids a false sense of reality. Also,praising them too much leaves them unprepared for the "real" world.
For me,the "real" world is our family. My theory has always been,you can't love a child too much.

Lillianna is 8 and she is always coming up to me with a big hug and an "I love you Mommy!" Too many I love yous???? NEVER!

As for saying I love you when kids are older....when I was in High School,my dad or grandfather drove me to school when the weather was bad. I always gave them a kiss and an I love you before I got out of the car. I was never embarrassed! I loved them!!!!

[Jaime]

Leslie---There are never enough "I love you"s to go around! Tell that little boy you love him as much as you want! My favorite moments in my house are when my 2 yr old daughter says "I wuv you" so I will continue to tell her how much I love her constantly so that she can feel the same way. ((BTW--I also live in NoVA!!!)

[Jamie]

Only that when little James grows up, it's going to be pretty difficult for him to find a women who measures up to mommy. Freud.

[Tina]

If you've ever lost someone you will never think to yourself "I wish I hadn't said 'I love you' so much." You will wish just the opposite.

[Cityslicker mom]

That's totally crazy! I mean, I could see your ex-boyfriends perspective, I guess theoretically that makes sense. But in the real world you should "overuse" the phrase,it doesn't diminish the meaning in any way.

[chris]

you are absolutely right- there can never be too many i love yous.
would you say that there's too much love? you'll find of other ways to "say" it as he grows too. enjoy the ride!

[Mega Mom]

I'm on your side too! It is constant in our home. Wait until your little guy saunters up to you one day unenticed and says "I love you Mommy". Nothing beats it!

As for the 8 year olds...my Dad is a grandfather to 16 (ages 2-18). ALL of the kids give him a hug and a kiss when they see him b/c he threatens to chase them around and smother them if they don't approach him first! Embarrassing? Yes, but it is still working!

[Susan]

I'm with you -- I don't think you can ever say it enough! And I am also addicted to the smell of my 17 month old's hair, as well as squooshing the poor thing often and telling her that I love her very much.

[Deborah]

Your post reminds me of my childhood. My parents were the same way, very generous with the "I love yous". I think it is okay to say it a million times! I never doubted their affection, even though in my teen years my response was often "yeah, right," accompanied by rolling my eyes. :)

[Bethany]

oh God no! I tell my litle tyke I love him CONSTANTLY. And you are right, take it while you can (hugs, kisses, snuggles, I wuv yuuus, whatever--I hear when they turn 8 they'll hate it all. And that is when my heart will break just a little.