Striking fear in the hearts of parents everywhere

By Chris

Nothing strikes fear into the hearts of parents everywhere more than The Talk. You know the one I mean. In the top 10 of memorable parenting events, it ranks up there right after sleeping through the night and potty training, and right before sending them off to college.

What I didn't realize before I had a child this age, was that there wouldn't just be The Talk. There would be many talks. And that it wouldn't get easier, from my perspective at least.

When my oldest son was about 10 years old I brought up the topic in the car one day when we were alone. He had never asked any real questions about the process, but he is an avid reader and knowledgeable about all things animal and reptile. And based on things he had said, I had the impression that he had some idea about the mechanics. We'd had vague discussions in the past that seemed to satisfy his curiosity, but I felt like he needed more information than he had asked for. I certainly don't want him getting misinformation from other kids or thinking that it is a taboo subject.

I was thankful that I was driving and that it was dark in the car so he couldn't see my face when he called it "mating," and I was thankful that I was able to play off my laughing as a coughing attack when he exclaimed, "Wow, you mean you and Dad did that SEVEN times?" And then he shuddered.

"Why did you tell me this?" he asked, as we pulled into our driveway.

"Uh, I thought you might be curious and interested."

"No, not really. It's not like it's any big deal or anything."

Oh my son, soon enough it will be a big deal, I thought at the time, such a big deal in fact that your brain will seemingly stop working and you will think of little else.

I'll be the first to admit that I am at a loss. Having grown up as an only child with a single mother, I am clueless about anything Y-chromosome related. I want my husband to step forward and talk more with him, and his younger brothers, but it doesn't seem to come up naturally in conversation for them either.

I am talking about more than just the mechanics. You know, the feelings and emotions and fantasies and dreams...  Now I am shuddering and resisting the urge to put my hands over my ears and shout, "La, la, la, I can't hear you."

I don't think I am ready for this. Two-year-olds are much easier in retrospect. Their needs are simple. And yet, I haven't found a way to make him stop growing up.

So, Internet, I ask you: How did you handle these "talks"? Are books the way to go? Any tips or tricks? If I send them away to military school, will they tell them there?

Chris is a writer, artist, wife and the mother of seven children. She lives in an historic old house in New England that is perpetually under renovations.

Comments

[Laundry Woman]

We read some books I picked up from the church library, and let me tell ya, it was a riot. It was also not my idea. It was my kids/friend's. Long story. I had actually answered their questions on separate occasions simply and to the point. The book session ended in laughter, and hilarity. But the point got across. The kids know the basics. The boy only picked up the bare minimum (he's six) and the girls got the gist. So, no harm done. I'm all for private talks in the car and casual references. And yes, we are encouraging them to abstain.

[dawn]

I am in the same boat! My 10 year old is already noticing girls....it is real scary. I don't know how to have the "talk" with him either. But reading the other comments have given me some ideas! Thanks. And good luck to anyone else going through this!

[Mary]

I know I'm one of a minority, but I always found that these conversations happened naturally, and, moreover, I enjoyed them. This makes me weird - but it makes life easier!

My children are 20 (and yes, she's had some direct, personal experience with the subject now), 16 (he's getting close), and 12 (still thinks it's a bit gross).

How do I know my 20-year-old is no longer a virgin? Because she told me. Not a minute-by-minute description of the event right after it happened, but she's let it slip in one of those natural conversations we have from time to time. She's been living away at university for three years, she's responsible, she's not promiscuous.

As Kim said, it starts with proper terminology as a toddler. It proceeds from there, in logical, developmental steps. Don't be afraid! Don't get weirded out! Sex is an interesting subject! Why are we so weird about it?

[Sheena]

You should totally talk to him before his body takes over and he stumbles into pornography which can happen pretty soon. He will still listen and respect what you have to say now. Just be scientific about most of it but do not forget the love part and respect. If he hears that from you it will help him through the next few years.And maybe he won't stumble into pornography and totally get twisted up on what a woman is! Of course I'm not there yet so it's easier said than done, but from watching brothers and whoever else, these are my opinions. You know those commercials about drugs that say talk to your kids before someone else does? I think that applies here because this will make up a great deal of who he is later! Good luck!

[cursingmama]

Whats Happening To Me? by Peter Mayle is a great book that I've used with both my son and daughter. I gave them the option of reading it together or on their own and used it as a point to start the conversations; which are on going and many.
Good Luck!

[carrawayseed]

My mom never did any "talk"....she just gave me romance novels to read. ROMANCE NOVELS!!! I'm sure you can imagine how that screwed up my expectations...just a little.

[judi]

you have to do what feels comfortable for you. i would definitely drag your husband into this talk though-even if it is kicking and screaming. this discussion that you just had is far easier than the emotion/feelings/responsibility talk- where you have to explain about birth control and they realize you are not having sex to make a baby so then they realize there must be another reason and the discussion ensues. we have 5 kids- ages 22-8 and have been open about discussing sex and trying to anticipate their needs without giving them more info. than they can process. there is no magic, right way- you fumble through this just as you fumble through all other stages of parenting. as long as you are open and let them know that they can come to you with anything and you will still love them- you will be fine and they will be fine.
one funny story: i was walking with a couple of friends who were sending their first child off to college. i mentioned that i just took my 18 year old daughter to the obgyn for birth control before she left for college. she had not had sex yet, but i figured it was probably on the horizon. they were shocked that i would do that -they felt i was sanctioning it. one said- why would you do that -just think back on your own college days- were you ready then? hahaha. ready, willing and able. and i told her this story:
when my now husband i started dating freshman year, i went to the obgyn to ask for birth control and the she asked how often ( to determine the birth control method) we were having sex. being the naieve, YOUNG thing i was- i answered-" i don't know , maybe 4-5 times a day." good thing she didn't fall off her stool in fits of hysteria. so, yes i took sarah to the obgyn, with vivid memories of my college days.

[Kim]

It starts with proper body terminology as a toddler and goes from there. If they ask a question (and they always do!) -- I answer, age appropriately, of course.
There are some good books available, if that is the route one chooses. Read it together though!

[lisa]

Well, my intro to the subject was when my then 4yo dd asked about oral sex. Quite an introduction. I'm still recovering 10 years later. No books here, I'm pretty much a tell it like it is mom. They seem to feel comfortable talking about all the phases of info depending on age. We'll see if I'm as cool when they ask me for a condom coupon or a gyn referral.

[christina]

I love the book: It's So Amazing! A Book About Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (Hardcover) by Robie H. Harris, Michael Emberley (Illustrator)
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0763600512/ref=pd_sim_b_3/104-3617062-2341536?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155

Have fun! :) Christina

[kalisah]

You know, there are really TWO talks - the "where do babies come from" talk which I think we had around the age of six or so? and the "puberty/birth control/STDs" talk that comes later, around the age of 10-12 I guess (a lot earlier than when we were kids, anyway).

I got these two GREAT book - one is called "Where Did I Come From?" and the other is called "What is Happening to Me?" and you'll recognize them by their oversized black writing of the titles on the cover.

They rock, b/c you can sit down with a younger child and read the first one together. I remember it says that it feels really good, like sneezing, but you can't do it all day b/c it's hard work, like jumping rope.

And you can give a pre-teen the other one let them discover a lot of the most embarassing facts in the privacy of their own room. Then you can broach the discussion a lot easier, having the book to refer to.

[Erika]

Ew, my mom read a book to me and that worked okay, but I didn't repeat the process for my kids. I waited until they asked, or the situation came up and explained only what I thought they could process. Sorry, no great insights here, just used common sense and lots of deep breaths. Did I mention the lots of deep breaths? And oh yea, blog about it later.