By Jenn
First, I want to thank Julie and all of the DotMoms writers for the extended leave of absence I took this year. I had no idea it would last so long. After my Mom was sick for several months and then passed away the beginning of this year, I needed time off. Thank you for your support.
It has been months since I have been able to sit down and write without the first thought being my Mom. She passed away in January. Every article, every blog entry and every essay I begin to write starts first with a thought of my Mom. Sometimes funny, sometimes sad, each of them have one thing in common: She is with me.
I try to fight writing about her. I try to keep things upbeat. I have even tried to force myself to ignore any writing that was centered around my Mom or feelings I had about missing her. But is that reality? What am I teaching my children if I pretend that my thoughts are not so tightly entwined with those of missing my own Mom? Why should I push this away? This is DotMoms, after all. We are Moms writing about being Moms. Why should I feel unable to speak about my own Mom? The answer is that I shouldn't.
Every day I look at my daughter and I see how life comes back around to us full circle. My mother and I were so close. My daughter and I are so close. More times than not I find myself playing the same games, singing the same songs and laughing at the same things with my daughter that my Mom and I shared. Full circle. Life goes on.
When you lose a parent, you question who you are.You question your life. You begin to wonder about your role as a mother. Suddenly you wonder what your legacy to your own children will be. And then you see your daughter (or son) laughing at the same things you laughed at with your own Mom. You see them look into your eyes the same way that you looked at your Mom. Suddenly you realize that you are the person you always wanted to be.
You have become your mother. And suddenly, that is not such a bad thing.
Jenn is a 36-year-old freelance writer and mom who works from the Texas home she shares with her husband and three children.
This makes my heart sing. I lost my mom 17 years ago..It hurts. I know. Thank you for your post. Welcome back.
Posted by: Janet | July 24, 2006 at 10:38 PM
Love this piece, Jenn. So succinct and poignant. I spend a lot of time trying not to be my mom, but I suspect that would change if I lost her.
xoxo
mary
Posted by: Mary Tsao | July 01, 2006 at 07:12 PM
What lovely sentiments. My mom has terminal cancer and I continue to struggle with how I will feel when she dies. I appreciate your sharing so candidly.
Posted by: Laurie | July 01, 2006 at 02:10 AM
What a beautiful post and tribute to your mother.
Posted by: Anjali | June 27, 2006 at 02:06 PM
I am so pleased that you are back ... and slowly starting to process what has happened. Take your time and know that everyone is thinking of you.
Posted by: Imperfect Mommy | June 27, 2006 at 02:05 PM
And here I was, complaining just recently that I was becoming my own mother.
Thank you for putting things into perspective. And we're glad you are back.
Posted by: ErinKVest | June 27, 2006 at 12:31 PM
You have captured so much of what I have felt over the last seven months, since losing my mom last November. It is such a hard thing to approach in writing, and I have often found myself writing "around" my mom or avoiding certain topics because the feelings or thoughts are so complicated. And seeing myself become more like her is something I continue to struggle with.
So sorry for your loss.
Posted by: Mrs. Davis | June 27, 2006 at 11:32 AM