Mommy Culpa

by Cooper

I have guilt.

Guilt about raising my voice one too many times; guilt about not listening to my kids fully when they talk to me in the kitchen, non-stop, while I am doing 50 million things; guilt about chicken nuggets and Frosties.

Then there is the guilt about not visiting my ailing grandfather enough; or not fully engaging in all I have to do for work; or not volunteering more at school.

We don't really go to church that often, if at all. Guilt.

Weeds are all over the yard. Guilt.

Boxes from our move in February are still sitting there, staring at me. Guilt.

My dog has started pooping and peeing all over the house and the vet says he is having emotional problems. (Oh good Lord.) Guilt.

Don't get me started on my poor, forgotten husband. Triple guilt.

A mother's life has a lot of guilt, doesn't it? One of my old college professors once called guilt a "wasted emotion." I wish I understood what that means.

With all that GUILT (there's more, but, I'm afraid sharing even this tip of my guilt motherlode is way too boring) on the top of my list is not blogging enough. (Egads, that last one was in January!)

Why do I want to write more? Because blogging is a lifeline. It is an outlet I cherish and need, and the DotMoms community is one of the finest groups of moms on earth. Funny how, with moms, often it is the things that are best for us (exercise, eating right, creative outlets, time alone...) seem to always get sidelined first.

How do let go of guilt and make sure to keep doing things for yourself when the world around you is chaotic?

Cooper is the parent of two girls and two boys, ages eight to one. She lives in Pittsburgh, Pa., with her husband and children.

Comments

[Fran]

Read with interest all your feelings on guilt. It is true, Mom's feel the most guilt. Just remember you can't go this way again, take a little more time with your kids when you can. Also remember: Guilt - the gift that keeps on giving!

[Robin P]

I guess you have to ask yourself if the guilt is helping you to achieve anything or if it is just making you feel bad. If it just makes you feel bad,what's the point? If one of your children came to you and told you how much guilt they felt about things,you'd tell them to stop feeling guilty,right?

Today, my mom tried to tell me that my sister and I are the cause of her high blood pressure. Keep in mind we're Jewish so this is a normal accusation. I don't let it bother me because I refuse to feel guilty about that. If she stresses out over things in my life and my sister's life,what am I supposed to do about that?? Nothing!......she can't throw that guilt on me.

Choose to live guilt-free. It's a better life.

[Janet]

I don't understand guilt too much, but I defnitely feel it. Still the other day my 17 year old son informed me that he was going to college in California. This is the same boy that I felt guilty about bringing up in a bad marriage and making way too many mistakes. So I guess what I am trying to say is through all the guilt I felt I raised a very responsible, hard-working son. It sitll amazes me, because I cannot count the times I listened to him over cooking dinner, or the million times he asked me to play a simple game and I was always too busy in my single Mom world. Just wanted to let you know that there is a silverlining in a mother's realm of guilt. Let it go and enjoy the day with your children.

[Becki]

I have read that guilt is only useful if it motivates you to change the behavior you're feeling guilty about. If you're unable or unwilling to change the behavior, then let go of the guilt (if you can--obviously easier said than done).

Right now I feel guilty that I'm not spending time with my son. So, thanks for the excellent post, but I'm off to play Battleship.

[Amanda]

Excellent Post - Too True! My worst personally inflicted guilt trip yet is feeling guilty when I don't feel guilty.

[Jill]

I joke all the time that my "Jewish" guilt follows me all day long - and even when I am sleeping. I am constantly guilty when I am at work (15 hours a week) that I should be with my kids... and then guilty the other time that I should be working more. It is a no win situation - but things always seem to work out!

Have a big cup of chocolate ice cream and do it guilt free... yeah, right!

Jill
Co-Founder, Silicon Valley Moms Blog

[Emily McKhann]

Cooper and Meredith and all the other commenters, you were writing about my life, right? Is Father's Day and summer vacation and all the other if-I-don't-arrange-something-it-won't-happen stuff upon us already? I breath guilt.

[Bethany]

I think Guilt is born with the child. And it never goes away...

[kal]

yes we all have guilt lots of it.im rasing 4 teenagers or should i say adults they are all in college and not one of them is working and i cant help myself but i feel guilty and pay all there expenses which puts me in the dog house with my husband i need to let go but its hard.

[sunShine]

I can so relate to you. Motherhood makes us feel so inadequate and guilty because there isn't enough time to get done everything that needs to be done and take care of ourselves too. If you figure out a way to get rid of the guilt , let me know.

[Meredith]

When you guys figure out how to purge guilt from your lives, let me know. I hear ya Cooper. The weeds in the front yard are awful (I just imagine the neighbors talking). My preschooler had food all over his face and was wearing a dirty Halloween costume when we went to pick up his siblings the other day. I'm late RSVPing for stuff and I have yet to figure out what to do about Father's Day. Or summer vacation. Or my kids' birthday parties. I should stop now . . .

[Stacy]

I forget about all my guilts during the day, when I’m trying to get a gazillion things done at once. They usually come back to me again at night though. Thank the lord for Ambien! I don’t know how to consciously let go of all the guilt. I be checking your other comments.

[kelly]

I think we can only let go of guilt in each moment that we realize we're letting it run us. Over and over again. Ten thousand times a week. It's so hard to do everything, do it well, and have anything leftover for ourselves. Maybe we can learn (by repetition/practice) to put ourselves first every now and again, but dropping the guilt in the moment. For a moment.