MySpace isn't the Big Bad Wolf

By Betsy

Like millions of other American parents, I have a child with a MySpace page. Although my son Alex isn't old enough yet to have a page (kids are required to be at least 14; Alex will be 13 in a few weeks), he asked me first if he could age himself in order to join. After checking it out, I said yes.

And I'm still 100% comfortable with that decision, even though you can't turn around without reading yet another tabloid tale about what a dangerous underword MySpace is, chock full of predators looking for young children to seduce. Or articles bemoaning the way kids use MySpace, whether the concerns are language, rude behavior, or other vulgarities. 

Do I think that kids are naive about the dangers of revealing too much information about themselves online? Absolutely. Do I believe that some of the restrictions MySpace is now putting in are good ones? Of course. But the problems that exist on MySpace aren't new - and blaming or restricting the medium (or banning your own kids from MySpace) won't make them go away. Blaming MySpace is like blaming Ford Motor Company when your 13-year-old grabs your keys, jumps behind the wheel, and crashes the car.

When I read the articles about the 14-year-old girl and her mother suing MySpace for 30 million dollars, my skin crawls - but not for the reason you might think. While I know this young girl will bear scars from the sexual assault she went through as a result of meeting someone online, I don't blame MySpace. I blame her attacker, I shake my head at the girl's naivete - and then I cast a critical eye at her mother instead.  (Interestingly enough, her attacker is also suing MySpace, according to this Time Magazine article - the service should have prevented the under-14-year-old from initially registering, he claims.)

There are at least four ways that I've counted where the mother could have (or should have) put a stop to the sequence of events. First, the girl was emailing this guy for a month. Then, she voluntarily gave her cell phone number to the guy, and had numerous conversations with him. She then met this total stranger for a burger. And then she got into his car. 

And here's why something like this would never happen to my own child. First, my son knows that computer access is a privilege, not a right. He has zero expectations of privacy - he knows that I have the ability to access his email and MySpace page at any time, and he needs to keep that access open to me. And he also knows that I can restrict access at any time, for any reason. 

Secondly, my kid knows NEVER to give out personal information - cell phone, name, address information - to a stranger online (or in person, for that matter.) His friends on MySpace are all kids he knows already, from school or other activities.  If someone he doesn't know contacts him, he knows to check with me, or to just delete the email unanswered.

Finally, I know where my kid goes, who he's going with, and where he's going.  I know who he talks to on his cell phone.  That's my job to keep my kid safe - not MySpace, or Cingular, or the local mall, for that matter. 

See, we don't abdicate our responsibilities as parents when we choose to give our children access to technology. And if we're not going to proactively educate our children about their own responsibilities online, set rules and expectations about access & use, or reinforce (or adapt) the lessons we already teach our children about strangers, we can't hold anyone else accountable when something horrific happens. 

Here's hoping a judge and jury see it that way as well.

Betsy is a 40-something single parent in Oregon with a daughter in elementary school and a son in middle school.

Comments

[Amy]

Just another "amen." I think the MySpace thing has just turned into a story for the media to cover - and I'm tired of hearing about it.

[Darci McGrath]

Say it loud...say it proud. My 2 teenage daughters each have a MySpace, which I have the password and complete acces to...it is a privilege not a right. A good friend of ours says her daughters are not allowed to have a page - they each have 2 and are members of many groups. I think my way works better.

[Robin P]

Amen!!
I completely agree with you. I believe it is my job to teach my child about keeping safe. She's only 8 but she knows not to give out personal information on her blog. She writes. I check it and then I publish it on her blog for her. She never does it alone.She knows it's not safe.

I also feel it's my job to teach her about eating correctly,exercise and we've already had a sex talk when she asked about babies. I don't think school should teach these subjects and I don't expect them to. I take my job as her mother very seriously.
We talk about drugs and alcohol and every time a child star is arrested for one of these things,we talk some more.

If,G-d forbid,my child makes a bad choice,I will blame myself for not teaching her better and I will blame her for not coming to me with questions. I will not sue anyone. I take full responsibility for my child. All parents should. Unfortunately,they prefer pointing the finger elsewhere and trying not to take the blame. Idiots!!

[The Mad Penciler]

Of recent note, a teacher arrested for sexual abuse of a child was a computer teacher who showed the underage children in the school how to set up MySpace sites. In addition to the grooming he was doing during the school day, he was also engaging in provocative chats and posts with the kids.

That was wrong. But, what I find even worst about the whole picture was that one of the parents was ranting and raving about it only to be stopped short when an administrator asked her why her children had sites posted. After the arrest the school administration was monitoring student MySpace sites because after the teacher was out on bail he continued to be in contact with students via MySpace. The mother said that when she asked her kids if they had MySpace sites, they said they didn't, when in fact they did.

My question was why did her kids have computers with internet access in their bedrooms where use of such could not be monitored. Why did the parent believe her children. One thing parents don't realize is that if a kid knows an adult is going to freak about something, the kid will not disclose the information.

The other thing parents need to know is that kids will make up MySpace sites with names that are not recognizeable. Parents need to learn how to use a computer and make sure history settings, at the least monitor activity. All kids are sneaky. That's how they control a world they cannot control. We all were as kids but our world didn't include a window to the entire world like the internet does now.

I'm an educator and I see kids regularly sneaking things and doing things their parents wouldn't like all because the parents don't take time to be responsible. And, they give their kids stuff like internet in the bedroom, telephones in the bedroom or a cell phone, and full access cable T.V. in the bedroom - all are things that need to be monitored because kids are naive and don't understand long term effects - they haven't been alive long enough to know about the future and how it is determined by the now. I once had a parent get mad at me about a student's low grades because the boy had cable t.v. in his room and wasn't doing homework - they fully acknowledged the t.v. was the problem but the child's watching of it was my fault.

Just a word of note to parents regarding sexual abuse by strangers: The above mention teacher had been doing his deeds for three years and it was only disclosed this past May. The children had all gone through some sort of "stranger danger - tell someone if you are inappropriately touched" classes but none of them told because the person doing it was a teacher everyone liked. Finally an eight year old did tell and then it was like a dam breaking with lots of information about other kids he had abused. Some didn't tell because they were afraid the well-liked teacher would get in trouble. It was clear that kids do not understand the magnitude of such things - many of the children cheered when they learned he had been released from jail on bail. They didn't want him back at the school but they were glad he was out of jail because "jail is bad."

This is long, I know, but this is information we all need to mull over so that children are safe.

[abogada]

Amen.

[Lynn]

thank you for saying something I wish more parents would acknowledge and practice. you're a breath of fresh air in an irrational world.

[Amy]

I wholeheartedly agree. As a high school teacher, I hear kids talking about myspace and livejournal all the time and how they use it to meet people from around the world. I stress to them about safety measures and about the dangers of giving out personal info to strangers. I do worry sometimes at the freedom some of these kids have online......where their away messages talk about sleeping in bed with their boyfriend of going on drinking binges. *sigh* Does this mean I'm getting older?