Youth Manager Position

by Mindy

Job Description: Responsible for managing mostly small humans (1 to 10 at a time) within the constraints of scope, quality, time, and cost, and working within established Child Protective Service policies and guidelines, to nurture and groom offspring for acceptance in society at large. Also, anything else the wind might blow your way.

Primary Duties:

• Work directly with the child, family, and the Holy Spirit in hopes that expectations are real and clear to all family members, and education and social objectives are being met within the constraints of the space-time continuum and according to the laws of physics.


• Report on progress of physical, emotional, psychological and Disney-fetish development, forecast maturation, manage practically-impossible-to-nail-down details of the transfer of charges from one place to another, including communication, assembly and delivery of Superego, and documentation and coordination of end-user interface. Ability to mind-read and teleport a must.


• Oversee resource allocation and task delegation for all family members, and ensure timely and accurate assessment of task participation to avoid tearful accusations of being SO, SO, SO UNFAIR.


• Complete all tasks within budget and time projections no matter how many hours you must "forget" to sleep. Emotional compensation will be provided in lieu of actual monetary remuneration, provided you supply it yourself and do it in private.


• Participate as a member of the family, providing suggestions, feedback, and requests from individuals to the group and to other mommy friends while having no illusions about the amount of control you have (none) and responsibility you carry (all).


• Keep abreast of and share issues with reference to your family and social obligations. Do not under any circumstances become familiar with how "others" do things or how "they" might inform your practices. La la la la la, I can't hear you.

Position Requirements:

• Three to five years zoo-keeping experience


• One of Hermione Granger's time-fixey-thingies


• Formal child development education and/or progress toward certification of competence (provided this takes place solely in your head and does not disturb other moms; they are very busy finding their own way, blindfolded and handcuffed, through a minefield in a blinding snowstorm. Barefoot.)


• Good knowledge of toilet "learning" and hygiene implementation practices and better knowledge of psychological manipulation practices


• Experience managing budgets, schedules and resources (must be fluent in Classroom Flyer Analysis, Newsletter Decoding, Non-vocal Communication, Armenian, and Klingon)


• Track record for managing projects on-time, in-scope and within-budget without laughing


• Must be goal-oriented, have good discipline, and be able to keep family members motivated to tackle days one at a time, with medication if necessary


• Must enjoy a fast-paced dynamic culture with challenges, opportunity and excellent benefits, masochism, humiliation, confusion, and making breakfast for everyone you hope to avoid until school lets out


• Excellent written and verbal communication skills. Telepathy and Omniscience a plus.


• Excellent analytical, troubleshooting and problem solving skills. You'll need them.


• Highly motivated, organized and success-oriented. Also, crazy.

Being a mom offers:

• Generous Over-sharing


• Scant training


• Telecommuting and Flex-time Arrangements (i.e. occasional solo trips to the bathroom without accusation of abandonment but with a side of paranoia)


• Personal and Professional Development, on your own time and at your own expense. We do not need to hear about it.


• Progressive Yet Undetectable Advancement


• Savings and Retirement Plans (including our perennially popular Mommy Needs to Retire Somewhere Quiet Option)


• Not-even-close-to-paid Health and Dental Care. We are not made of money.


• Generous Paid Leave and Vacation Policy, minus the time and permission to take them. It's how we can afford to be so generous.


• Membership and Participation in Professional Organizations such as Mommy and Me, AA, AlAnon. Tenure counts toward Section 8 qualifications.


• Service Recognition (kidding)

To apply, please send your resume and cover letter explaining how your background could possible match and prepare you for the job requirements to [email protected].

Mindy is a divorced mother who lives in the Bay Area with her three children.

Comments

[panasianbiz]

I stumbled across your blog while I was doing some online research. Okay, so I'm not a Mom, but I am a Dad, and as such I could hugely enjoy the humor and cleverness of this piece. Really delightful!

[Jules]

The youth manager position sounds suspiciously like the children's manager position I had an church. Tough job.

[Imperfect Mommy]

BTW, make sure you edit to include that the only way to resign is to die. Sounds like a really attractive position though.

I will reiterate a statement that I made a while back that all new mothers should be given a lifetime supply of Grey Goose along with all the Isomil and cheesy diaper bags you get at the hospital.

[amy h.]

Interesting position. I feel that I may be overqualified (or simply know that you speak the truth), so I will not be taking advantage of this opportunity at this time (or perhaps I have finally found my job title).
p.s., great post!