In the news: Are you raising a wimp?

Are you willing to go to any length to take the bumps out of childhood for your children? According to a Psychology Today article, A nation of wimps by Hara Estroff Marano, your answer to that question is most likely, “Yes, ludicrous lengths,” and the gist of the article is that your hyperconcern for your children is making them “risk-averse,” “psychologically fragile [and] riddled with anxiety.” Want to rethink your answer?

As a professional with a doctoral degree in counseling and developmental psychology I agree with some of the points that the article makes, including the statement made by Michael Liebowitz, Columbia University psychiatry professor and head of the Anxiety Disorders Clinic at NY State Psychiatric Institute, that “children need to be gently encouraged to take risks and learn that nothing terrible happens.” I also understand the research of Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan who found that high-strung, overexcitable infants (i.e., those likely to be at-risk for future anxiety issues) were not fearful as toddlers if they had parents who backed off and allowed them to find their own comfort levels (i.e., allowed them to develop coping mechanisms for dealing with anxiety as opposed to removing all the stressors in their lives).

However, as a mom I found it difficult to stomach the article’s repetitive blaming of parents for seemingly every problem related to modern childhood, adolescence and beyond. Marano blames overprotective parents for the increase in mental health and substance abuse problems on college campuses, grade inflation, removal of recess from the school day (I know you’ve all been working hard to make that happen!), allowing cell phones to destroy their children’s ability to plan ahead and self-regulate, rising rates of depression in young children, overexamining their children to the point of extreme self-consciousness, and even “weaken[ing] the whole fabric of society” by creating children who are too eager to fit in. Not long ago “experts” were blaming working parents for creating emotionally distressed latchkey kids, but now they are criticizing hovering parents for creating a nation of wimps – we can’t win!

I’ll add that the field of psychology has a long tradition of blaming parents, particularly mothers, for every problem with their children. Ironically, a Psychology Today article from 1986 addresses this issue specifically (how quickly they have forgotten!) and notes that, “mothers would be less readily scapegoated and more often supported in standing up to professional ‘experts' who wrongfully berate them if their child-rearing successes were more frequently acknowledged…mothers, despite their anxiety and guilt, manage to raise millions of reasonably well-adjusted kids. They deserve far more credit for this than they get.”

Your turn! In our well-meaning attempts to protect our children from failure and help them to become successful in life, are we inadvertently raising a nation wimps?

Amy H. is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

Comments

[morning_show]

HI! I work for a tv show in NYC--(The Mike & Juliet Show). We are doing a segment on this topic inspired by the Psychology Today article. Might one of you want to come on the show and debate the message the article is giving?? I would love to give you more information-- you can call me at 212-301-5256 or email me at [email protected]
We will be taping this on Tuesday, 12/4- would love to speak with you asap! Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you!!

[Elena]

The point is not that parents are responsible for all the troubles their children may have... But good parenting really does make a difference, and good parenting is all about balance. Leaving children to fend for themselves is no substitute for the hard work of gently guiding them into competence and independence. And neither is excessively coddling them.

This is not to say that every parent is responsible for every social trend that impacts her children... just that when society in general tends to err on the one side, certain problems proliferate. And when the pendulum swings the other direction, you get an entirely different set of problems.

So the moral of the story isn't that you can't win, but that good parenting can't be turned into a formula. Auto-parent just doesn't work, no matter what ideas you start out with. Think hard about what's best for your kids in each situation--it's different for every kid and every situation--and you'll have done well.

[Kris]

I agree with you: I'm sick of the blame-the-mom routine. In my opinion kids today have it pretty darn good. And parents being demanding of their kids or being over-involved is definitely not a new phenomenon.

[goodsandwich]

I say we absolutely are not. I read that article too and you know what? Honestly it sounded to me like an old crotchety guy pottering around shaking his fist and croaking "In my day, we walked 50 miles uphill in the snow and we LIKED it!" Things like this get written all the time, usually by men or those whose children are grown, and I think it reflects people remembering (or misremembering) their own childhood experience - but from a child's POV. Sure, you remember that the kid who busted his arm on the metal monkey bars in 1972 was back in school the next day - but because you were only 7, you didn't know that that kid's mom successfully got wooden playground equipment installed at your school several years later. (For example.)