The theory of relativity

By Anjali

I used to be quite embarrassed, particularly as a teenager, when at functions with other Indian families, my parents would ask me to address all elders as “Auntie” or “Uncle.” Having not grown up in India myself, I did not understand the purpose of such familial salutations. It made perfect sense for me to call dear, old friends of the family with familiar terms, but even new acquaintances? Even strangers who just so happened to share the same heritage? Why compel such an interconnectedness among people simply because of a common national origin? As a cynical youth, I couldn’t understand the point of such blatant trustworthiness. I found it naïve. Incestual, even.

As it turns out, I had it all wrong. Because now that I am a mother and I have children of my own, what I have learned is that it’s not just a family that creates the terms of endearment, but the terms of endearment that create a family. Our usage of affectionate names to address other adults and elders embraces them, with open arms, into our lives. It forges a community where there wasn’t one before.

We hear the phrase, all the time it seems, “it takes a village to raise a child.” But few cultures in today’s society really practice this. We lead lives, for the most part, filled with suspicion and distrust and separateness. Survival means taking care of one’s own kind, not the old lady next door or the disabled man across the street. Exclusion is the construct of social order. True community is a concept foreign to many young children.

In Indian culture, though there are wars between religions, and cultures, and castes, there are names that bond near strangers together. And in time, such names kindle respect, and responsibility, and in some cases, lifelong relationships.

A few months ago, a young Indian family with children the same age as my own moved next door. At the end of our first play date together, as they were headed back to their own house, Mira said her goodbyes, addressing the mother with her surname.

I was very happy when she was quickly corrected.

“Oh, Mira, just call me Auntie,” our new neighbor gently responded. “That way, we can always be friends.”

Anjali lives in suburban Philadelphia with her husband and two girls.

Comments

[lisa maddox]

It does take a village. Unfortunately, some of us live in the boonies, and no one will visit us! I need my aunties!

[webhill]

Hey Anjali, I like the way you think. I also live in suburban Philadelphia, by the way. Maybe I'll see you around some time :)

[Nicole]

I really liked this post. It sort captures a feeling that I had but couldn't put my finger on. My cousin, who I grew up with, has her children just call me and my sisters by our first names while I tell us as their aunties. I realize that we are actually their cousins, but it seems more like a generation thing. I realize now that maybe I was also bothered because Auntie is sort of a special thing whereas, by using my first name, there is actually a distance. I think I might forward this article to her and see if she wouldn't agree that we just all go by Auntie. I think the argument here is so well presented that she will capitulate immediately!

[Robin P]

Every now and then Lillianna will question me,"Is Auntie Belle my 'real' auntie?" I tell her,"Not technically. She's my best friend."
"Is Auntie Kristy my 'real' auntie?" "Uhm...no...another best friend."

"How 'bout Auntie Kara?" "Yes. She is my sister." Then we laugh.

She finds it very intersting and of course I love that she has so many aunts and uncles to love her.

I remember when I was 9,Lillianna's age,I was crushed that my Auntie Bevie wasn't my aunt. She was my mom's best friend. I had always thought we were related.....I guess we were. Relatives of the heart.

Great post!

[Sarah]

My daughter calls our close family friends "auntie" and "uncle" because they are part of the family we have created for ourselves. I have one friends son who calls me Auntie and I LOVE it! Also, my mom has children of close friends call her Auntie Grandma which they always find silly but totally like using, too!

I think you are spot on with this idea of community and closeness: sometimes it is a very simple act.

[Jenn]

My BFF kids call me Auntie. I love it, because it makes me feel special and very included.

Great thoughts, I really enjoyed it.