Bad mom, Good mom

By Amy R.

As a divorced mom, it's easy for me to question my parenting skills when comparing them to my daughter's father. Over e-mail, there have been certain question and answer sessions where I'm questioned on different parenting techniques. I sat down one day and listed the "Good Mom/Bad Mom" list.

Bad Mom:

I go through the Dunkin' Donuts drive thru every Friday (that I have her -- so every other Friday) and get her a chocolate donut for her breakfast.

I let her pick out one candy bar per grocery shopping session (once a week that I have her -- so every other week).

I have brought her to a fast food restaurant when I was traveling on the turnpike between her father's house and mine.

I have her enrolled in a daycare without fancy swimming lessons or pre-school sessions. 

I've given her chocolate milk.

Good Mom:

I get out of work before 3 every day, pick Isabelle up from daycare and we spend the afternoon together. At least one hour an afternoon is spent playing with her letter and number flashcards and writing letters out on her easel.

Isabelle and I have dinner together every night. On the nights that we go to my parents, we have an even better dinner atmosphere with her Grammy and Papa.

I have Isabelle enrolled in a daycare where there are four kids at home with the daycare provider all day long. She has learned manners, social skills, and her daycare provider TRULY knows Isabelle and loves her. I'm so lucky to have someone so caring and loving taking care of my child when I'm not there.

I immerse Isabelle in family. We spend as much time as possible with my parents and siblings so that Isabelle realizes that having a mom and dad together isn't the only definition of family; families come in all different shapes and sizes.

I have a good relationship with my daughter. She feels free to talk to me about anything that is on her mind without fear of ridicule, harsh discipline or meanness. She is truly herself around me, and I'm glad I've fostered that with her.

I read to Isabelle a lot. She loves it as much as I do, and it gives me an excuse to cuddle.

As I look back at my list, I realize that I can live with the "Bad Mom" stuff, because if those are the worst things I do as a parent, I'm doing pretty well. Don't you think?

Amy R. is the 30-year-old mother of Isabelle. She is a high school teacher who lives in Livermore Falls, Maine, and is trying to find the funny side of life as a newly divorced mom.

Comments

[Maria P.]

Most definately Amy! You are doing a great job! I envy you. Isabelle is lucky to have you. :)

[maria]

Good parents establish traditions their kids will remember forever - for your daughter that Friday donut is something special she does w/her mommy. Good for you;)

[Antique Mommy]

Yes, I do think you are doing well. Spending time reading together has been a major component in my relationship with my 3-year-oldson. There is just something magical about sitting nestled together with a book.

And I don't find any of the stuff on your bad list to be bad at all. No child ever died from a donut or an occassional trip to McDonalds or (gasp!) even some time in front of the TV.

[Roni]

Someone call family services! Chocolate milk?

Ella rarely gets donuts, so don't let Isabelle be a bad influence!

;)

[Jenn]

Wow, I wish I'd had a mom as good as you. I only got one donut every two months.

I better call my mom and have a chat with her!

[kelly]

I totally disagree with you.

There's nothing bad about a chocolate donut for breakfast.

Urp.

But seriously, it's too easy to get caught up in the comparisons. I'm divorced too, and my ex has questioned some of my choices over the years from the standpoint of a perfect world, idealistic view. It used to make me nuts, now I just order a donut. With nuts. Yum!

Good for you for recognizing that you love your child in all the right ways. Including donuts and candybars.

[Robin P]

This post really scared and depressed me. I have done everything on your "Bad Mom" list and ten times worse and I've always thought I was a great mom!!

I used to give Lillianna a Dunkin' Donut once a week...frosted with extra sprinkles!!!!! That's brain food,right???

We met with her friends every Wednesday before dance class for two years and had lunch at Wendy's!!!...chicken nuggets and fries!!
The kids and the moms had a blast. Was that bad too?

Even now,at 9,Lillianna gets vanilla,chocolate or strawberry milk with breakfast!!!

Why didn't anyone tell me this made me a bad mom??????????
I hope no one from DSS reads this comment or I'm in deep trouble!!

(You're an awesome mom,Amy, and you know it! I don't know how you do the joint custody thing.
The Dunkin' Donuts issue cracked me up. What mom hasn't fed her kid a donut a week? or every single day?

My dad took me to Mr.Donut for years when I was a kid. We went every Tuesday on his day off. I ate a HUGE powdered donut and a glass of chocolate milk.
I'm still alive at 43.)

[Kris]

Oh, I don't know, Amy. I think all of the items on your bad mom list should be on your good mom list. Don't you think Isabelle would agree?