Chronology of a perfectionist

By Kris

Age 5: Did other girls get Barbie anxiety? No, I didn't want to look like her. Sitting in front of my Barbie plaza, I'd set the table and arrange dresses on tiny heart-adorned hangers. I'd make Barbie iron the clothes or fix dinner and, in the process, knock a dress to the floor or jostle the table, leaving the dishes askew. A knot of frustration welled up in my chest: I wanted everything perfect!

Age 15: I hated high school. Holed up in my bedroom one day, I wondered whether my penchant for neatness made me a perfectionist. Impossible, I decided. With my mousy hair, fat thighs and lack of personality, how could I be considered a perfectionist? I was the opposite of perfect.

Age 25: I studied "Color Me Beautiful" to find the perfect color hair, wardrobe and makeup. I took Dale Carnegie to become the perfect employee and person. I got a job in editing, a profession that rewards perfection. I cleaned the apartment for hours, scrubbing the toilet, dusting every crevice. I quit smoking, and so began my health kick: hours of grueling workouts, a vegan diet, a suitcase of vitamins. Finally, my best self was coming out. Finally, I felt good enough.

Age 30: Perfectionism translates well to pregnancy, if perfect means researching the best baby gear, studying hypnobirthing and every other childbirth method invented, and doing all the right prenatal exercises the recommended number of times. On discovering my 200-keigle-a-day habit, my doula sighed and shook her head. "You're trying to control everything," she told me. "You can't."

Age 34: Four years into parenting, I thought I could maintain control. I exercised daily, took writing jobs, kept up with the house, shopped and cooked. Then a miscarriage derailed me. When I got pregnant again six months later, I experienced the flip-side of perfectionism: giving up. I couldn't do everything "right," so why try at all? Takeout containers amassed in my fridge. Mountains of clutter grew on every flat surface. I gained 25 pounds, after having the baby. I felt like my sorry high school self.

Age 37: Hi. My name is Kris, and I'm a perfectionist in recovery. My three kids leave no time for perfect cleaning, preening or working out. And it shows. I just tell myself, "Everything is as it should be." Most days I can smile at the birthday cake I made with the botched "B," the crooked tile in our new kitchen floor, the water stains on my favorite leather shoes. I guess it's a relief, knowing perfection's not something I can create with any reliability, let alone sustain. It appears in my baby's laugh, the smell of a roasting chicken, the sun's warmth on a crisp fall day. Then it's gone. The ever-present clothes on the floor, the dirty dishes on the table -- they're just side effects of living. I hope I can teach my daughter that, before she starts playing with Barbies.

Kris Clouthier is an imperfect stay-at-home mom and freelance writer living north of Boston.

Comments

[Janet a.k.a Wonder Mom]

Perfect!

[Anjali]

You sound pretty perfect to me! Keep up the good work!

[Robin P]

I've never tried to be perfect because I'm too damn lazy! I just don't have the ambition....lol.

How did we miss talking about Color Me Beautiful during our lunch????
My job sent me to a seminar back in 1989 or so. I thought it was a load of crap.

The whole class told me in unison,"You look sallow," in the beautiful aqua pant suit with little cute summer jacket that I wore. Normal people said I looked beautiful when I wore it. In the seminar I was "sallow," and "Not in harmony with your colors!"

Back then,"Bite me" wasn't a catch phrase because if it were,I totally would've said it!!!

[Country Mouse]

Well said, Kris. Perfectionism is a hard habit to fight.

[Kris]

If you had said you had two kids and not three I would've thought I wrote this myself. Great post...from another Kris who is also a slef professed perfectionist.

K.

[amy h.]

What a "perfect" post, Kris. ;) I have had the same sorts of issues - still do - but you are so right, those moments when you can look past the imperfections of life and enjoy the moment are such a relief. Thanks for your honesty!