Sugar and Spice and Three Dog Night

By Jenn

One of the promises I made myself when I was pregnant the first time around was that I would not talk down to my child or sugar-sweet him into a sensory overload catatonic state. My son is now 13 and I am realizing that it was the best thing I could do for him and for us. Now, when we need to talk, we cut through inane dialogue, avoid the awkward stammering and just say what we need to say.  Granted, that means I have heard more than one "inappropriate" word come out of my son's mouth when we are talking freely, but I can handle that because we are talking. A 13-year-old boy and his mom are talking without boundaries. 

I carried that self-imposed rule down to my second son, as well as my daughter. All three of them know that they can say anything to me when they want to talk. That doesn't always mean I like hearing what they say, but I do like that they are willing to say it. This freedom comes with another unique set of problems for me. It has nothing to do with my children, actually; it has to do with the fact that my entire life as a mother has been spent without doing "sugar and sunshine," so I have a very hard time figuring out how to do that when other mothers do. 

When a group of women gathers and talks about the joys of motherhood and how perfect it is, I listen and nod, but stay silent. What I want to say is, "That puberty sure is a pain in the butt! There are days I just feel like running away." However, many times when I mutter such a thing I would get The Look. The look that would normally accompany someone who said, "I sure would like to sell my kids to the circus and take a trip to Hawaii with the money earned!" (For the record, I only said that once and I was mostly kidding.)

When other mothers told me about dancing around singing lullabies or educational songs with their children, I thought to myself, "MY kids love hearing Aretha Frankin or Three Dog Night." These moms would talk about getting up super early and making sure their kids were dressed, fed and ready to go to Mommy & Me by 9 a.m. I was thanking the gods of infant sleeping if mine would actually sleep until 9 a.m. Mommy & Me was for after coffee and the "Today" show.

I questioned myself more than once about whether or not I was doing my kids justice as a mother. Until I realized where I gained my mothering style. From my own mother.

She's the one who taught me by example to not apologize for who I am. She showed me that to earn the R-E-S-P-E-C-T that Aretha sings about, it has to first come from within. And most importantly, if what you are doing works for you and for your family, make no apologies. That is the best mothering advice I could ever give or receive.

Jenn is a 37-year-old freelance writer and mom who works from the Texas home she shares with her husband and three children.

Comments

[Gordon (aka Geezer Dude)]

Great comments! I hope you don't mind if a man adds a comment of his own.

I live near Salt Lake City, Utah where Mormonism is a big part of the local culture. Many Mormon women think they have to be "Super-Mom" and the impact is devastating.

There is a lot of prescription drug abuse and high rates of depression. The peer pressure is tremendous.

Many Mormon Women would never admit to an occasional feeling of wanting to run away.

Mormons view families as important (don't we all?) and the male-dominated culture puts pressure on women to be their subserviant child-rearing best at all times.

So what is wrong with admitting that you're human and some days you really want to be somebody besides "mom?" Seems okay to me.

I think that many women feel as you do, but are not able to express themselves or to act on their feelings.

I like when people share words of wisdom. Thanks for sharing yours.

[Daisy]

Aretha Franklin? Three Dog Night? Great choices. My kids like all diferent kinds of music because I played jazz, classical, blues, and the works along with their Raffi while they were growing up. Last night we went to here a local blues singer/guitarist at my favorite coffehouse. It was my 14-yr-old's idea.

[Elisette]

Who are you kidding? No one would pay enough for someone else's kids that you could get all the way to HAWAII. Boise, maybe.

I could not deal with people who didn't acknowledge that children can be massive PITAs, and am fortuante that I've found a group of women who admit to their foibles.

[sarah (citizenbeta)]

Great post: I really relate to your thoughts on sugar coating the motherhood experience. I hate that I sometimes feel pressure to make things out to be sunnier than they are or that I need to pretend that every moment as a parent is perfect. It is an impossible standard and does nothing for parents. The best conversations I have with other parents are ones where we can complain and rant and vent and still know and understand that our hearts are filled with love for our children and that we are all doing the best we can, even if our styles and modes of expression are different.

And, I hope to have such an open dialouge with my children as they grow up, too.