When 'No' means 'Yes'

By Christine

The paradox of parenting is that oftentimes the hardest and most unpleasant course of action is best. Homework is a great example of the paradox at work.

Our seven-year-old daughter would rather write short stories of her own accord than a school-assigned essay about her family. When she finally sat down to write it, she mentioned all of us, including the pets. What hurt the most was she described me as nice, but mean. We openly talked about why she felt that way.

"When I recently asked for my favorite tortellini and you said, 'No, we're having homemade pizza'!" she exclaimed. I covered my grinning face.

Wow. I guess I am mean.

Needless to say, I'm not having the easiest time helping my child navigate her early years in the German school system. But whether we like it or not, she has one hour of homework every day.

That's 60 minutes of enduring power struggles and brief fits of desperation on both sides. It's not that she doesn't understand the material. For several weeks now she has simply refused to accept my assistance. I don't mean helicopter-hovering-over-the-shoulder assistance. I mean checking her assignments after she has completed them.

Luckily, Cheli Cerra's book, "Homework Talk!" has been a huge assistance in giving me positive action items. They have a homework motivation chart that I'll be photocopying in the very near future. You give the child five points for every positive thing he or she does and subtract five points for every negative. It's a reward system, which I rather despise having to use, but it may well alleviate some of my grief.

Despite a parent-teacher conference (in which the teacher revealed she knew I must write books by the number of stories in my daughter's head!), our struggles over my involvement continue. We've eliminated all but one extracurricular activity and had numerous heart-to-heart talks about being respectful.

As I model respect, I am constantly reminded that it doesn't mean bending to my child's will. Saying 'No' to the cookie before lunch does not mean you're saying 'No' to loving your kid. In fact, saying 'No' very often shouts 'Yes' in the language of the heart.

And so the paradox comes full circle, for it is that very heart which breaks as it loves ever so intensely.

Christine is an American author and freelance writer living near Munich, Germany, with her husband and two children (Jackson, 5, and Sophia, 7).

Comments

[Olivia Carter-Hamilton]

I found your posting extremely interesting on your child's resistance for extracurricular activities and to have her homework assessed by you. As an ex-schoolteacher and homeschooler I find this interesting from an educational and social point of view.

I do not think you are been mean when you tell her that she cannot have a cookie before dinner, if you are explaining to your child why they cannot have the cookie and that if your child puts up any resistance to your decision, this is a blatant mark of disobedience and disrespect for your authority as a parent and that you should take away some kind of privelege, allowance etc and explain why you are doing that.

I am also concerned that your child resists your attempts to give them extracurricular activities or to show you the quality of their homework. You must sit your child down and ask why they refuse to do this? If she says that she just doesn't want to, explain to her the importance of you seeing her homework and setting extracurricular activities and that this is not an option, explain to her the consequences of what will happen if she does not comply, as this is very important for your child to realise, that you are the parent and what you say goes.

If she has been told by the teacher that this has to be all her own work, without parental assistance, then you must establish that this is what the teacher has told her and that it is OK for you to look and check her work and give your opinions. If this is met by resistance, I suggest you see your child's school teacher and explain the situation and also explain to your child that any resistance, is a blatant mark of disobedience and disrespectful as you are the one that is the parent and that they take instruction from you and not the other way around and that unacceptable behaviour like this will not be tolerated in the future and that there will be consequences of removal of much-loved items, priveleges, trips, allowances etc. for a set amount of time. This must be nipped in the bud now to show that you are in control and not her that is controlling and manipulating you.

This will also give them invaluable social and life skills that will show them that they cannot blatantly disobey, disregard and manipulate authority figures instructions.

If you think about it, if your child continues in this way, what will happen when they go into employment and their supervisor wishes to see their work, will they then turn around and say no, or throw a tantrum, because they don't want to? because I assure you they will not remain in employment very long with that kind of attitude, disobedience and disrespect.

That is why this kind of behaviour has to be nipped in the bud NOW. If you live with your partner, you must also get his support and backing, or the child will start playing one off against another, in order to manipulate the situation into getting what they want.

Yes, it may be tough love, but rectifying your child's unacceptable behaviour now, is better than having it rectified rather hasher later.

[Robin P]

I never learn! I vowed to always have a tissue handy when I read one of your posts. Now I'm just drippy without a tissue!!

First,I had to laugh. You're such a meanie making homemade pizza. I hope they don't take the kids away from you! Is that considered child abuse?

At 9,Lillianna will usually say,"I know you're saying no because that's what is best for me,Mom.I understand." That actually makes me feel MORE guilty,if that's even possible!

I had to laugh at the teacher knowing you were a writer. Was she saying that as a good thing or a bad thing?
Parent-teacher conferences used to drive me nuts. Up until last year,Lillianna's teachers were concerned that she only liked to read and wouldn't do puzzles in her spare time. i gave them my blank look. I HATE PUZZLES!! I couldn't care less if she passed up a puzzle to read. Sometimes,I think the teachers just make stuff up!

Another great post,Christine!