Real mothers don't need sleep

By Alicia

I realized the other day that I'm not ready to be a mother.

This is a highly awkward insight to have considering my son is now 10 months old.

It's not that I'm having trouble with the actual mothering part. Round-the-clock feedings? Did that. Tummy time? Check. Holding Chase through his first set of shots? Did it. And even managed to reassure myself that he would not consider me a traitor for the rest of his life for being complicit to such an attack. Rolling over, crawling, introducing solids –- check, check, check. I love being a mom to my little bugaboo. I love getting to watch his unique personality develop and the universal milestones go by. So, mothering my boy? Love it. Considering myself an actual Mother? Not there yet.

Thinking of myself as a Mother feels like discovering that I'm no longer a woman, or a chocoholic, or that I'm actually adopted. Some essential element that made me me shifted when that little boy was born, throwing me into a new identity. And I'm not ready for it.

I don't know how to make the shift.

I've seen the movies, read the books, even had one of my own. "Mothers" bake brownies, track the tiniest details of multiple schedules (besides their own!), can name the ailment with their eyes still closed when their sick child comes to them in the middle of the night. They make complete, nutritious meals -- dozens of them in a row, night after night! You get the picture. They're like Superman on Ritalin.

I am more like Mr. Magoo on Valium. I mean well, but I'm only as organized as I need to be to avoid having services interrupted (the basics, like credit cards, cell phone, my driver's license). Since Chase was born, I've entered a chronic state of sleepiness just short of narcolepsy. My weekly menu consists of Lean Cuisine meals, cereal, and Diet Coke. Who has time for balanced nutrition? My baby cries in the night -– is he sick, teething, just fussy? And what do I do? Should I comfort him or is this one of those opportunities where he is supposed to learn independence? Real Mothers don't need sleep and they don't question this stuff.

I've ridden on top of buses in Guatemala. I swam across a lake in New Hampshire stark naked at high noon. I was the first woman to own Go-Go boots when they came back. This is who I am. June Cleaver never wore Go-Go boots. She would have been bemused at the very point of them and then pulled a pot roast out of the oven, circling it with those little potatoes. How did I end up in the same club as she is?

I've been holding onto the fairy tale myth of Motherdom -- seeing Mothers as little more than altruistic entities whose sole purpose is to serve others and spread love throughout the land. Santa Claus without all the presents. Now that I've joined the ranks I feel like a master imposter. Like Leonardo DiCaprio in "Catch Me if You Can."

Still, I am slowly getting used to being part of the Mother Club. I now talk with women at work who I never spoke to before, because we are both members of the Club and there are so many notes to compare. Since my son was born, I've seen the wife of one of my hiking friends (also a mother) more than any of the women (single and childless) I used to go out with regularly. And as I appreciate more and more what "Motherhood" really means, I have hope I'll feel entirely at home within the ranks of the Mother Club one day.

I mean, Carol Brady must have worn Go-Go boots, right?

Alicia and her family live in Vermont.

Comments

[Darla Dixon]

I started to post here and it became so long that I'm going to cut and paste it into my own blog LOL
Don't worry, you are a good mom, I'm sure of it!

[mcewen]

It may not be an exclusive club, but it's generally a very welcoming one.
Cheers

[Christine]

Have you read Dr. Amy Tiemann's Mojo Mom: Nurturing Your Self While Raising a Family?

It's so real and extremely helpful for new moms to realize that "What To Expect.." is a far cry from what you really receive!

Best to you,
Christine

[Kim]

Motherhood hits you all of the sudden one day. You just realize that it snuck up behind you and whacked you over the head or, in my case, it left some turds in the bathtub and no one else to clean them up because your one year old certainly cannot do it. And I do say "it" left them because my perfect little boy is not capable of such things!

[Merry Jennifer]

I absolutely agree. See the post in my blog referencing your article.

[Selfmademom]

I totally agree! You'll probably also agree that it's not a bad thing to be part of the "mommy mafia"
http://selfmademom.net/2007/01/12/a-mobster-in-the-making/

[CL]

Hm. I have a 21 months old. My comment is:

Sleep is overrated.

Good luck!

[Alicia's Mom]

Shall I pull out the picture of me with Go-Go Boots, hot pants? Just the summer before the twins were born. I still wanted to feel like an individual, and yes, sexy woman. You and Sarah were 3 and 2. Don't question your motherhood, you're the best. Times have changed June C. is gone. Prior posting - Just be you. That's the best mom there is! The woman gave great advice. Love - Your Mom

[Terri]

Umm....what's a pot roast?

[Alicia]

I'm wondering what affect it will have on my self-perceived Motherhood status when I get called "mama"! I can't wait!

...and forget what go-go boots look like? how dePRESSing!! even in this Dansko-loving adopted state of mine, I would still want to dream of go-go boot days, at least!!

-Alicia

[Nicole]

Just recently, when dealing with my daughter's jetlag, I realized that I had passed some invisible cap and entered real Motherhood, making me not just an honorary member but a fulltime dues-paying member. I had stumbled through her first year, permenantly sleep deprived, swearing that I could never have another child because I could never bear to go through that again. The idea of trying to survive with only 6 hours of sleep a night (and that being an accumulation of 2 hour blocks snatched between midnight and 10 am when my husband left the house) seemed like absolute torture. Then last week, I found myself jumping out of bed at 2 am, when Ella started waking, making camomile tissanes for her bottle and reading her stories til she started drifting off. Then back to bed at 6 am for a few more hours sleep and a full days work. When I had done this for 3 days in a row without much help from my husband due to his work schedule I realized that I had become a mom. I didn't like doing it, but all of a sudden I felt like I was totally capable of doing it, my body didn't scream fatigue from every bone and joint. I always wondered how my mother ever managed to survive with 5 children under the age of 10 but it is simply because mothers are in fact in possession of some sort of superhuman strength. Atleast, I am convinced they are.

[Karen]

Just have a couple more kids and you won't remember what Go-Go boots looked like!

Ha!

[Jen in the Adirondacks]

Umm, wish I had a spoon full of sugar to give you some balance, but FWIW, I don't think that feeling of "not quite" ever ends...you just shift into being that different kind of mother, unlike all the cookie-cutter-style mothers that have been drilled into your head.

My 2 girls are 10 & 9, and I am limbo-ing somewhere between responsible (broccoli with dinner, mind your manners) and teenage mother (It's Friday night, so sure you can stay up til 11! I am! Want some oreos?).

I think the best part about it is that I feel like I can talk to them like real people, instead of "No, no, mommy doesn't want you to do that sweetie..". Ick. I hate that kind of saccharine, unauthentic parent.

Just be your real self. If your real self is NOT June Cleaver, all the better. How many little Junie/Beav Cleavers can one world stand, anyway?!! And your kid(s) can't trust you/what you say if it's coming from a not-authentic place. At some point, it's not going to jive with the YOU that they know, and it's gonna get too confusing. Just be you. That's the best mom there is!

[abogada]

I'm embarrassed to say that I still wonder what it feels like to be a "mother," even though my little one is two years and four months old!! And I still can't believe that there is someone in this world who calls me "mama." Totally awesome.

[Jane]

Wow! I remember those days ... it took 15 months before my son could sleep through the night. My husband and I were like walking zombies. He's 20 now, and we were up all night with him last night (talking, this time!) before he went back to college from break ... and today, we're like walking zombies. I guess not much changes when you're a parent!