Liquor or beer, never fear

By Amy M.

OK, let's have a virtual show of hands. Who has been at an event with their children and had an alcoholic drink? Oh, I see lots of hands in the air. I'm guessing you were at something like a holiday party or a neighborhood barbecue. Maybe a tailgate before a football game. Alright, you can lower your hands now. Now raise them if you felt guilty -- or like an "irresponsible parent" -- for having that bottle of beer or glass of wine. Hmm ... not so many hands in the air that time.

I think you can see the point I'm trying to make. I debated whether I should write about this topic --drinking alcohol at events with your children -- in light of all the controversy recently (see this New York Times article and this "Today" show segment), but decided the controversy is exactly why I SHOULD write about it.

Before I continue, I'll tell you that I am barely even a social drinker. I just never developed a taste for beer or liquor. But if someone is going to try and tell me that it's wrong to have a glass of wine or some beer when I'm with my kids? I will respectfully disagree.

This topic has been covered on numerous blogs, especially since Friday, January 26 when the "Today" show aired its segment on "cocktail playdates." Of course everyone is entitled to his or her opinion. Mine just happens to be that adults are just that -- adults -- and if they feel comfortable having a drink at an event with their kids, that's fine by me. I am assuming these adults know their limits and would never drink so much as to hinder their ability to parent. Perhaps that's naïve on my part, but that's how I feel. Remember, we're ADULTS, not 16-year-olds confronted with mass amounts of alcohol for the first time.

What's interesting -- and infuriating -- is most of the controversy has surrounded mothers who have alcoholic drinks at playdates. All of the mothers interviewed have stressed they have one cocktail or one glass of wine, but some of the recent media coverage has made it seem like they're swilling from a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon with one hand while pushing a swing with the other. And mixed-gender events -- like those neighborhood barbecues -- have not been criticized at all.

As in any situation with alcohol, there's a chance of going too far. Of having one drink too many. I certainly do not condone drinking in excess when you're with your kids (or at any time, for that matter). Some people will argue that we're sending our kids the wrong message if we drink alcohol in their presence. But I would counter by asking what message are we sending if we make alcohol seem taboo? If you grew up in a home where your parents often had a glass of wine or beer with dinner, was drinking alcohol such a big deal by the time you went to college? For many people, I'm guessing the answer would be no.

Opponents to drinking alcohol while around our kids say we need to find another way to relax -- read a magazine, take a yoga class, go for a walk, etc. But can't you enjoy a lone drink during a playdate AND take a yoga class? They are two completely different situations that help you "relax" in different ways. My view is that women who are able to organize social activities for themselves and their children are more likely to be organized in general and better able to juggle multiple responsibilities and activities, like that "cocktail playdate" AND yoga class.

I'm sure there are many parents who will disagree with me, and that's fine. I recognize this is a gray issue. I would never say it's ALWAYS appropriate to drink alcohol when you're with your kids. I may have strong opinions, but I realize few issues are"“cut and dried." I just wish we as mothers could stop fueling the "mommy wars" and work together -- through our actions, through our blogs, through our conversations with friends -- to elevate our status in society instead of spending so much time judging one another.

And if you want to enjoy a glass of wine while mulling this over -- even if your kids are playing in the next room -- that's OK with me.

Amy M. lives in Pennsylvania with her son and her husband. She works full time as a writer/editor for a large university.

Comments

[Reneé]

Amy, Thank you for this post! Sometimes I feel self-conscious at playdates for drinking a Sierra Nevada. I mean, I see the sidelong glances from the other moms, the barely conspicuous flash of disapproval at my working-class beer bottle, as they slowly sip their second stylish appletini. Now I can feel proud knowing that there are other moms who prefer the hops, too!

Cheers!

[LauriJon]

Great post Amy. When I lived in NYC I went to a few mommy-coctail playdates. Most moms (or parents) had one glass on wine, responsibly.

Now living in sunny southern California, we have and go to preschool/toddler friendly family dinner parties. Most of those parties serve wine and sometimes beer. And again, the adults partaking do so in a responsible manner. There is always bottled water and juice, and I know more water and juice is consumed and any dinner party or bbq.

Thanks again for the post!

[Dana]

As the daughter of a tavern owner, I fully understand the labels and judgments associated with drinking.

But I'm also an advocate of drinking responsibly and I'm nearly always the designated driver for friends and loved ones because of my experiences as a bartender and daughter of a responsible beverage server.

It angers me to see people in this world who jump to conclusions about parents who have a drink in front of their kids. If we're not able to show them that we drink responsibly, who will? Their friends? I don't think so.

I'm so happy to read this post. Thank you.

[Darci]

I raise my glass to you...as a mother of a 13yo and a 15 yo, both girls they have seen my husband and I drink in a mature manner. Alcohol should not be taboo. If a person can imbibed with responsibility then so it should be and it is not our place to judge.

[Z Recommends]

Great commentary, Amy.

We have posted a Statement of Belief and badges at Z Recommends for mothers who blog or host web pages and would like to defend healthy attitudes towards parental alcohol consumption. We believe is an issue not only of parenting practice but of developing healthy attitudes about alcohol among our children. You can read the statement here.