A touchy topic

By Amy Heesacker

I recently asked my 5-year-old what he would do if someone tried to touch him in a way that made him feel uncomfortable.

He responded sweetly, "Say, 'Please, don't do that, please?' "

Hmm. Well, I did tell him to always be polite and to remember to say please when he asked for something. But in this case, I was hoping for something a little less cordial.

My question didn't come out of nowhere. Javi and I have been talking about good touch and bad touch issues for some time now. I became keenly aware of the importance of starting the discussion early while working as a sex offender evaluator in my pre-parenthood professional life. In addition to sadly noting the young age of some of the victims, I observed that many of the offenders were regular looking men and women who were known to the victims and their parents, so I wanted to make sure to teach my son that even people who are friends or family members are not allowed to touch him on his private areas or to ask him to touch them in that way.

My recent question to my son was spurred by a letter sent home from his school saying that all kindergartners would be involved in a good touch/bad touch program this month facilitated by their school counselor. And I'm all for it. While I think the conversations should be taking place at home as well, it's a message that bears repeating and, unfortunately, not all kids may be getting that message at home.

Coincidentally, today, February 23, marks the ninth anniversary of Megan's Law being upheld by the Supreme Court. For those unfamiliar with Megan's Law, it made it possible for all parents to have Internet access to the National Sex Offender Registry so that you can find out where registered sex offenders are living in your community. A friend recently sent me a link to the website http://www.familywatchdog.us (a site featured on "Oprah" and "Dr. Phil:) that provides a map of sex offenders, by their particular crime, living and working near your address. However, as the Megan's Law Web site points out, most sex offenders know their victims and have had ongoing relationships with them.

So, I'm striving to teach my son to respect others while also empowering him to assert his own rights when someone is acting inappropriately. In the same breath I'm trying to teach him what I mean by inappropriate behavior without taking away his innocence.

It's a balancing act.

How are you handling the topic of touch?

Amy Heesacker is a thirty-something SAHM and part-time psychology professor living in the deep South with her husband and two children.

Comments

[jen lemen]

when my kids are overly aggressive or really outspoken in an inappropriate way (like flipping out that someone took their toy or went out of turn) i tell them that i'm glad they know how to freak out because they might need it, but this isn't one of those situations. the situation to flip out, have a temper tantrum, insist on your way is when someone violates your sense of privacy about your body.

so far it's worked and they really get it. someone tried to touch my daughter inappropriately at a party and she came and told me immediately. when we got home, she wanted me to call the host so she could talk to her on the phone and tell her herself how upset she was and how wrong it felt.

it felt risky at the time, but we did just that. she quickly put the matter to rest and now four years later, she can barely remember the incident (she was just 4 when it happened).

trying to redirect spunky, fiesty-ness instead of always trying to get them to be polite has gone gone a long way in helping my kids retain their personal sense of power and understanding of when it's most appropriate to be polite.

[Tiffany]

I think this is a great blog, and although it's not a topic of conversation with my children yet it will be soon. I was a victim of "bad touch" as a child. Discussions then (and probably now) always seemed to focus on the male offenders and not the female. My experience was at the hands of a female family member who is only 6 years older than me. Our children need to know that, sadly, predators come in all shapes, sizes, and ages.

[Kris]

I teach Sunday school and the Catholic Church in our town is implementing a "safety training." Which includes all kinds of things: crossing the street, guns, and the touching too. Anyway, the only thing I have to add here is that one way to say where the "inappropriate" places to touch are is anything covered by a bathing suite.

Good topic!

[Sydney]

It's great to see that at least some of our kids are getting that kind of support from their schools. I've always been a sort of take charge and be responsible type, but it sure helps to have some outside reinforcement to help get the message across. But let's go one step further... let's not forget, that in our modern tech-heavy world, that we also need to teach our kids about some the virtual equivalents of these situations that are increasingly popping up on our computers. Education about proper online use - and how to call for help when they encounter something inappropriate there - is just as important.